Editor’s Note

It’s Friday the 13th. Who would be doomed? (hint: everyone)

Quick, everyone run into that abandoned hospital, we’ll be safe in there.

If there’s one thing we love at the Coggin Toboggan almost as much as we love Philadelphia sports, it’s horror movies. Today, of course, is Friday the 13th, the infamous date of one of the longest running horror franchises in movie history. Hell, we’re up to 11 original movies and a reboot, with more in sight, so why not take a look at some local Philadelphia sports figures and give our best estimations on whether or not they’d survive one of the Friday the 13th movies?

We’ll just run this down list style, and after taking a look at some of these losers I don’t think there’s going to be much of a chance for any of them.

We’ve given this a lot of thought and have really looked at the following figures and their intangibles, so lets see who will survive and who will die a gruesome, gruesome death.

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Editor’s Note: It’s safe to assume Chip Kelly has a brain disease

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just awful. I think I’d be happier if it had been confirmed that Chip Kelly was a racist instead of the move he just made.

Chip Kelly has gone insane. INSANE. Really not a lot to say anymore. This move was the move of a syphilitic brained man who has too much power and nobody to keep him in check.

Chip Kelly is now the the John E. DuPont of the NFL. He has slowly descended into madness, until one day for no reason he decides to take a ride in his car and pull up to both Lesean McCoy and Nick Foles to shoot them both in the stomach.

Do you have a problem with me?! ::shoots both Foles and McCoy::

Sam Bradford and a 2nd round pick for Nick Foles. Bradford hasn’t played in a game since 2013. His best season saw him throw 21 touchdown passes (when he had two healthy knees). He’s not mobile and won’t be gaining any mobility coming off a second knee surgery.

Nick Foles never played a game last season where he started behind an intact offensive line, yet still went 6-2.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Chip Kelly’s plan apparently to give Angelo Cataldi a massive stroke

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Here at the CT, we are big fans of the moves the Eagles are making (not so much the decision to not re-sign Maclin, but everything else is going fairly well). They all make sense financially, talent wise, and show a desire from the franchise to explore new options instead of doing the same things over and over again.

An added benefit of the bevy of roster moves being made by the Eagles is the effect they will have on the local media, especially one Angelo Cataldi.

We’re not huge fans of the notorious flip flopper and anything that will take an extra step into handing him a massive stroke is just fine by us.

He’s been on the air for a few hours by now. Is his speech slurred? Has he been nonsensical? Ahh perfect.

In other media news, Howard Eskin tweeted this out at 9 p.m. Sunday evening.

That’s about an hour after the news of Maclin’s plans to sign with the Chiefs was all over Twitter. Really not breaking any news there Howard.

Also, note the twitter handle. Yeah, that’s not Jeremy Maclin’s. It’s this fellows.

That’s some great reporting, Howard.

RIP Mr. Kruger: There will be no feats of strength where you’re going

Daniel Von Bargen, wondering why George would ever try and give him a fake Christmas gift.

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

In depressing news not related to anything that has to do with Philadelphia sports, Daniel Von Bargen, the actor who portrayed the gloriously hilarious Mr. Kruger on four episodes of Seinfeld, died today.

My only question is, what will happen with Kruger Industrial Smoothing now? They really botched that Statue of Liberty job (they couldn’t get the green stuff off) and took it on the chin last year, so what will happen now that their founder and CEO has passed away?

Oh well. We shall miss you, Mr. Kruger. Hopefully when you get to Heaven the “K” on the gates will have not fallen off and sound like one of those old timey car horns (K-uggggger! K-ugggger!)

Obviously God figured he could go either way on you….but they needed somebody so what the hell.

Here’s to hoping that you don’t find any pear shaped losers up there and feel the need to throw all of their stuff into the ocean.

Here’s to hoping you can spin around in your chair more than 5 times with no hands.

Here’s to hoping that nobody will give you anymore fake Christmas gifts.

Editor’s Note: Cripes! Sorry, but here’s the real Dez Bryant video

Dez loves to waterski. And he loves blimps. Who knew?

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Yesterday, we posted a video to the Toboggan that we purchased for a substantial sum of money that was reportedly the nefarious Dez Bryant video the media has been going crazy over for the past week. We couldn’t tell if it was fake, we couldn’t tell if it was true, so we left it up to our readers to decide.

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Editor’s Note: The CT is going Turkish

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Yesterday, we at the CT published an article about Furkan Aldemir being traded by Sam Hinkie, but nobody telling Furkan he was off the team because everyone was too frightened by the Turkish national athlete tell him the bad news. The post, for whatever reason, went insane. The CT received at least 30 views from people in Turkey and about 15 from Croatia (I had no idea Dario Saric was such a fan) and is already one of the most popular pieces we’ve published on the site.

My god, do you people know what this means? The Coggin Toboggan, in less than two months of being active, has become a global powerhouse.

To the people of Turkey, we salute you! Merhaba (hello)! Karşılama (welcome)! Prenses (princess)!

Of course, for anyone who has read the site we love to write about Furkan Aldemir. We know nothing about the young man, but we enjoy portraying him as a startling foreign presence who intimidates his fellow athletes with stereotypical old-world Turkish tendencies. Do we actually think he uses a voodoo doll to curse Hinkie on a daily basis? Most likely not. Do we think he actually travels to away games with a collection of scimitars? 100% yes. I’d be insanely disappointed if this proved to be untrue.

In fact, we’ve even started to reach out to Furkan on Twitter (@furkanaldemir19) to see if he’d like to be interviewed to shed some light on what type of a person he really is. Yes, we’ll probably be blocked by him, but who knows? Maybe we’ll become good friends (definitely not).

It has crossed my mind that all of the PURELY satirical nonsense we publish on this site is being read by terrorist cell in Turkey who are none to pleased about my American sense of humor. I am aware I may be a part of some back alley terrorist group or renegade Aldemir fan group’s kidnapping plot, and I’m ok with that. If you are going to come at me, just know I won’t go quietly. I’ve seen “Taken” twice and I sleep with a pair of brass knuckles on both fists every night, much to the chagrin of my wife who found out I punch in my sleep.

So to the people of Turkey, I promise you I will continue to cater CT coverage to your whims and will most likely write about 1,000 additional Furkan Aldemir pieces while this site is still up.

Cehennemde görüşürüz (see you in hell).

The first CT Ask Me Anything

File photo: CT editor and founder.

Yesterday, Crossingbroad founder Kyle Scott conducted an “Ask Me Anything” event and it gave me a fantastic idea, so I decided to poll the CT’s readership for an Ask Me Anything as well. Scott fielded hundreds of questions for two-hours plus, so why couldn’t the second most popular Philadelphia sports blog (ok, maybe third favorite behind Zoo With Roy, definitely ahead of The 700 Level…what happened to that rag?) conduct its own as well? Yes, we’ve only been around for about a month and a half, but how many blogs can say they get literally over ONE HUNDRED VIEWS A DAY. THIS IS A TRAIN YOU JUST CANNOT STOP.

I’d be doing a disservice to this CITY if I didn’t let our most valued readers ask me anything, so here’s a recap of an AMA I conducted for four hours yesterday.

M. Calloway from West Philadelphia: You suck.

The CT: Ok, thanks. Not really a question, but we value your opinion.

D. Drosie from Northern Liberties: I agree, you do suck.

The CT: Ok, again, not really a question, this is an AMA, but I’d have to disagree. Sure, we just started, but I think we are far from sucking. Where else can you go to read mediocre satire about Philadelphia sports?

B. Hart from Bensalem: Ok crybaby. Why did David Coggin block you on Twitter?

The CT: Great question. I think it was because I tweeted something to him about him coming back to the Phillies along with Geoff Geary to pitch in the bullpen this year. I suppose he wasn’t amused by that? I’m not sure.

B. Hart from Bensalem: Did you really think anybody cares about that? He was a terrible pitcher on a terrible Phillies team, and this is just a terrible, terrible blog.

The CT: That took a personal turn. This is getting a bit sad.

J. Fullington from North Philadelphia: Since you have no knowledge of real sports, who would win in a fight between WWF’s Hulk Hogan and the late Yokozuna?

The CT: That’s actually a fabulous question, there are so many ways to take this. Well, obviously Yokozuna had the weight and the strength advantage, but Hulk Hogan had the height and his unique Hulking up ability and the millions of Hulkamaniacs throughout the world to give him strength. You’d have to think Hogan would be able to resist at least the first Banzai Drop, but could he make it through an entire match with the beast from the …

J. Fullington from North Philadelphia: You fucking suck.

The CT: I should have seen that coming.

H. Eskin from Center City: Will you please stop tweeting weird things at me about my beard and my love of Ponzio’s Diner?

The CT: Never.

THE END….?

So that ended the first CT AMA. Four hours and just five questions, all telling me that I suck. Thanks very much for reading. If anyone needs me, I’ll be fitting myself for a noose. If I actually have the balls to go through with it this time, Howard Eskin and his dumb werewolf beard will be taking over the blog for me.

Editor’s Note: I love the 76ers

KJ McDaniels throwing down a vicious dunk over old geezers Angelo Cataldi and Howard Eskin.

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

At this moment, Wednesday, Feb. 18, the Philadelphia 76ers are by far the most entertaining sports franchise in this city, and definitely in the best position moving forward. It’s much more exciting to watch a team developing a group of young, energetic players than pretend to care about the Phillies upcoming season or watch the Flyers struggle to fall into the last playoff spot in the Eastern Conference.

For a team that many thought wouldn’t win more than 10 games this season, it’s hard to deny the team actually has a bright future, though many can’t see it at the moment.

Don’t listen to Angelo Cataldi or Howard Eskin, who regularly call out 76ers GM Sam Hinkie for his out of the box strategy. He’s actually DOING something with this team, instead of wallowing in the 7th and 8th seed of the Eastern Conference playoffs year after year. My memory isn’t too great, but I don’t recall Cataldi or Eskin crowing over the 2008-2009 76ers and their 41-41 record, which culminated in a first round exit to the Orlando Magic. I’m fairly sure Cataldi didn’t talk for entire segments about how inspiring and entertaining Willie Green played during that year.

Also, as I recall the two were kicking the 76ers for not drafting Doug McDermott, passing him over for Dario Saric. Saric hasn’t played a game for the 76ers, but was recently named the MVP of the Euroleague. Doug McDermott is averaging 3 points a game for the Bulls, plays about 9 minutes a game and has recently been seen kicking kittens down the sidewalk of the street he lives on (may not have happened). That’s not going to vault your team into the upper stratosphere of the NBA.

Watching young guys on this team who wouldn’t get a chance or the minutes on other squads is the most entertaining aspect of Philadelphia sports right now. Would Robert Covington get a chance to play anywhere else? Nope. He just played in the Rising Stars game over All-Star weekend. KJ McDaniels is getting more minutes than he would see anywhere else. Better to have him playing now than rotting on the bench behind someone like Jason Richardson.

Hinkie is like a guy who is smart enough to reset his Playstation when his Madden team is being blown out by 56 points in the first half against the computer. Something’s not working, so it’s time to start something different. It will take more time, but why keep playing the same way with the same results when you’re doomed to failure? It’s time to reset and start throwing up 50 yard hail mary’s on fourth down, calling for triple reverses and kicking onside kicks after every TD.

Lets remember these points in three years when the 76ers are one of the top three teams in the East so we can systematically boo Eskin and Cataldi off the radio when they try to jump on the bandwagon.

Editor’s note: Was it too much to ask for a mumps outbreak?

Where was the mumps virus when we needed it the most?

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Like the majority of Americans last night, I could not have cared about either team competing in Super Bowl XLIX. Pete Carroll is a 9/11 truther nut job, Bill Belichick is a curmudgeon who looked like he enjoyed the victory for all of 2.3 seconds before setting his sights on next season, and not a single player on either roster I wished to see have any type of success.

But, unlike so many fans I’ve heard complain about the game and those that wished injuries or even death upon the participants in last night’s Super Bowl, I say relax. It’s just a game people, there’s no reason for such negative thoughts!

That being said, I don’t think I’m asking too much when I say I wish a mumps outbreak had spread like wildfire throughout both locker rooms.

Look, Mumps is rarely deadly in adults (1 in 10,000 will die according to WHO), so I think we all could have felt a lot better about the outcome if every single member of each team and coaching staff had contracted the virus at halftime and incubated until the game was over.

Just think about it. We would have had the enjoyment of the game (which was thrilling) but when the virus stopped its incubation period at the final whistle and its symptoms began to appear, it would have been double the fun!

Just imagine, NBC cameras broadcasting a swollen throat Tom Brady desperately trying to take a celebratory sip of champagne, but being in too much pain to do so. Or maybe Richard Sherman face down on Seattle’s bench, too weak to move, as confetti showers down over him, sticking to his sweat soaked fever skin?

Maybe even, if we were lucky, Pete Carroll cursing God as his body is wracked with muscle aches because he had refused a Mumps vaccination, fearing it would give him autism?

At the very least I would have enjoyed seeing Robert Kraft keel over in his suite, surrounded by loved ones also clutching their swollen throats. Not dead, obviously, but at least in some discomfort.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the Super Bowl we all deserved.

Editor’s note: A disaster of Ruben Amaro Jr. proportions

When The Coggin Toboggan wants to get serious it turns its coverage over to its editor and founder to bring everything to a screeching halt. Goodbye funny, say hello to self pity and depression.

Just several days into the greatest sports blog this city has ever seen we’ve ran into our first moral dilemma. i’ve been vomiting for hours and I can not stop crying. Not since “Sophie’s Choice” has anyone ever been at such a crossroads in their life. I’ve been punching holes in just about all of my house’s walls for hours now, but I’m still at a loss for what to do.

Please, before I reveal this horrid development, forcefully remove any child reading this from his/her computer and lock them in the basement with an orange for the next 45 minutes, this is adult business and I don’t want them to see their guardian weeping openly at their computer.

David Coggin, the man (the myth, the legend) this blog was founded on, has blocked me on Twitter.

Let me repeat that….DAVID COGGIN…the greatest pitcher the Phillies have seen in the last century….blocked the founder of this blog on Twitter.

The evidence:

It’s too painful. Was it the toboggan references? Depicting you as a gun toting alcoholic, carrying a grudge against Philadelphia? Were you working on a blog of your own and didn’t want to compete with a superior, already established site? DAVID YOU OWE ME THIS MUCH…JUST LET ME KNOW.

We shall plug on. We didn’t found ourselves on the man himself, but for what he stood for…moderately amusing observations and a gigantic waste of time.