Hinkie Signing

76ers announce most hilarious signing of the year!

Lomax (center) has signed a one-year deal with the 76ers.

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

Having been granted a 16th roster spot for the year, the Philadelphia 76ers have rounded out their squad with a fresh, young, and hilarious new talent that will surely entertain generations to come.

The 76ers announced they have signed Bernie Lomax and his two assistants, Larry Wilson and Richard Parker, to a one-year deal.

Lomax reportedly kept Hinkie in stitches during their meeting with his fun loving attitude and humorous adventures.

Let’s go to the tale of the tape to see just how Bernie may help the team this year.

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76ers announce worst signing in history of franchise

Ahhhhh!

The Coggin Toboggan has long been a fan of Sam Hinkie’s “process” as it has become to be known in Philadelphia, but we just cannot get behind his decision to sign this horrific young man to a one-year deal.

Yesterday, Sam Hinkie (sigh) announced the signing of Simon Birch to a one-year contract.

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76ers announce signing of Artie, the Strongest Man in the World

Having waived JaVale McGee late Sunday evening, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the signing of power forward Artie, The Strongest Man in the World.

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Hinkie inks Buddhist death god to eternal contract

The 76ers announced late tonight, after consulting an ancient text and several once-forgotten runes known only to the old men of earth, the signing of Mrtyu-mara, a traditional death god in the Buddhist religion.

Age – Eternal.

Height – 5’2

Current status – Existing on an ethereal plane known only to a chosen few who have obtained Nirvana.

Pros – Once tempted the god Buddha to forgo his quest for enlightenment underneath the bodhi tree with carnal delights and earthly pleasures, but our scouts assure us this can be chalked up to immaturity and a young roster. Veteran presence will help keep him in line. Is squat but powerful, not afraid to get his fangs dirty in the trenches. Has four arms, which lends itself to an A+ reach and impactful defensive presence.

Cons – Owns a snake which he carries onto the court. Has six eyes and a face painted on his stomach, so maturity is an issue with this one. Is known to be a bit of a tempter in his previous clubhouse, often convincing his teammates to forget about putting in the hard work and quitting to lead a life of leisure.

Outlook – Definitely worth a flyer if we can convince him that Hinkie will not honor a blood contract. Could definitely help on the defensive end and may convince a few of the other better opponents to skip out on their teammates for their own selfish desires. Must improve three point percentage and keep snake from spitting venom into the first several rows of the crowd.

Hinkie signs deceased, former NBA great to contract

The 76ers have announced their intentions to sign the corpse of Manute Bol to a 5-year contract, dependent on his ability to claw himself out of his coffin before the All-Star break.

Age – 47 at time of death.

Height – 7’7

Current status – Dead

Pros – Has NBA ready experience, but hasn’t stepped on a court or terra firma for more than five years. Still possesses fabulous length, but limbs and height may have atrophied since he left this plane of wordly existence. Yet to be seen if he’ll take on the characteristics of the undead from a George Romero movie or 28 Weeks Later … could be a major advantage for team if he commits to a 28 Weeks Later role, as speed and agility would certainly increase.

Can still knock down the occasion three-point shot from beyond the grave. He cannot be worse than Samuel Dalembert, who is still in the NBA.

Cons – Teammates could possibly be distracted by stench. Will not stop talking about brains and a desire to consume them. May be too amazed by his resurrection to fully commit to basketball duties on and off the court. Fingernails and hair continued to grow after death, so a trim and a shave is a necessity.

Outlook – Despite his death, Bol still possess Grade-A height and could serve as a mentor for Nerlens Noel, as he did for Shawn Bradley back in 1994. It remains to be seen how rising from the grave will effect his defense, but it should not be an issue. He needs to improve scoring and suppress his desire to shamble into the crowd and feast on delicious brains of the fans.

However, desire to eat brains could work itself into a favorable team contract, as brains do not count against the salary cap.

Hinkie signs Russian occultist to three-year deal

The Coggin Toboggan recently learned the 76ers have signed Russian occultist and accomplished power forward Sergei Krasnoff to a three-year, incentive laden deal. Our source sent us the team’s scouting report on the newest addition to the 76ers.

Sergei Krasnoff

Age – Undetermined. Scouts have him pegged at 22, but could range anywhere from 20 to upwards of 3,000. Ancient parchment detailing his birth is sketchy at best.

Height – 6’6

Ethics/Personal philosophy – Evil.

Pros – Seems to understand the game of basketball fairly well with a decent mid-game and developing range. Ability to speak Russian will come in handy the next time Furkan Aldemir is found passed out on homemade vodka in the owners booth. Willing to get dirty and do what needs to be done. Has mentioned several times to our scouts that the “benefits of the putrid” outweigh the “benefits of the pure at heart.” Still unsure of what that seems to mean.

Cons – Has a slow first step. Oftentimes is distracted and has been caught muttering ancient incantations to himself when he needs to be setting a high pick and roll for his guards. Refuses to use a team issued playbook, instead chose to create his own with a special binding that may or may not be human skin, which lets out a tortured scream each time it’s opened. Could possibly be a reincarnated version of Rasputin with better passing ability.

Outlook – Needs to improve low post game and resist temptations of evil to be effective in this league. If he can improve his outside shooting and limit his intake of flesh to 3-4 times a week, he may be a force off the bench.