Hinkie inks Buddhist death god to eternal contract

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future.

buudha-life-mara-demon3The 76ers announced late tonight, after consulting an ancient text and several once-forgotten runes known only to the old men of earth, the signing of Mrtyu-mara, a traditional death god in the Buddhist religion.

Age – Eternal.

Height – 5’2

Current status – Existing on an ethereal plane known only to a chosen few who have obtained Nirvana.

Pros – Once tempted the god Buddha to forgo his quest for enlightenment underneath the bodhi tree with carnal delights and earthly pleasures, but our scouts assure us this can be chalked up to immaturity and a young roster. Veteran presence will help keep him in line. Is squat but powerful, not afraid to get his fangs dirty in the trenches. Has four arms, which lends itself to an A+ reach and impactful defensive presence.

Cons – Owns a snake which he carries onto the court. Has six eyes and a face painted on his stomach, so maturity is an issue with this one. Is known to be a bit of a tempter in his previous clubhouse, often convincing his teammates to forget about putting in the hard work and quitting to lead a life of leisure.

Outlook – Definitely worth a flyer if we can convince him that Hinkie will not honor a blood contract. Could definitely help on the defensive end and may convince a few of the other better opponents to skip out on their teammates for their own selfish desires. Must improve three point percentage and keep snake from spitting venom into the first several rows of the crowd.

God checks in, sets the record straight on Seahawks victory

latestThe Afterlife – Following an after game interview that saw Seattle Seahawks’ Quarterback Russell Wilson break down and thank God for leading him to victory, a livid God checked in with the CT through a series of emails and denied he had anything to do with the Seahawks victory.

“Do you really think I would have let a Patriots/Seahawks Super Bowl? Really?” The lord and savior said in an email. “I thought I made it quite clear to Russell when he threw four interceptions on the day that I in no way wanted him to succeed. You suck Wilson.”

God stressed he would not have thrown his holy weight behind the Seahawks if he wanted to endear himself more to the people of earth.

Continuing a horrid NFL weekend, God also confirmed that he lost a “shitload” of money on the Colts after the 45-7 drubbing against the Patriots.

“Chuck Pagano survives cancer and he goes out like this? I had nothing to do with that one, people, let me make that clear,” he said. “Sounds like that was right up Buddha’s alley. You know him and his ‘if people expect only happiness in life, they will be disappointed’ teachings. He’s a cool guy, don’t get me wrong I like him a lot, but teach your people a lesson when the Jehovah doesn’t have some sweet action on the game, come on man.”

God confirmed that he would not be in attendance at the Super Bowl and if New England wins another championship, the world would be thrown into 500 days of complete darkness.