BREAKING NEWS

Why was Allen Iverson wearing the David Puddy 8-Ball jacket at the Sixers game?

Great win yesterday by the Sixers. Just an absolute trouncing of the LeBron led Los Angeles Lakers, showcasing a new and improved roster that has yet to gel but it still throttling less talented teams with more scoring options than this franchise has ever seen.

And yet, all I want to talk about this morning is Allen Iverson wearing the EXACT REPLICA of David Puddy’s 8-ball jacket from Seinfeld.

It’s not even a matter of it looking “similar” … it is the exact same jacket David Puddy wore during the end credits of the Season 9, episode 12 classic “The Reverse Peephole” in the television series Seinfeld.

The exact same one. Look at it.

I have so many questions that need answers.

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Just when I thought I was out on the Flyers, they pull me back in

I admit it. My eyes have been wandering and I’ve found myself lingering for a few brief moments on Comcast, taking in a glimpse or two of the Flyers on this 8-game win streak.

I swore I wouldn’t. I swore I had cast off this franchise until changes were made, until they veered away from the status quo that has mired them in futility for DECADES, save a miraculous Stanley Cup run 9-years ago.

But I’m cracking…I cursed this franchise earlier in the season, last year, the year before, citing that they every season for the past 10 years they were always “two-years away” from relevance.

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The 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view  every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and far, FAR-LESS famous contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!

Of course, as its done the past three years in a row, The Coggin Toboggan hosts its own annual All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble, inviting 30 of the most ruthless and knuckle dragging competitors to bash each others brains in for minimal glory and absolutely no prize money.

Is it bloody? You bet. Are concussions a plenty? Oh my yes. Take a look at Howard Eskin and tell me he’s the same guy today after taking a rusty barb wire covered baseball bat to dome from an enraged John Chaney. Is it barbaric? Well, they don’t call Les Bowen pretty no-more after getting his face ripped apart by Marcus Hayes wielding a cheese grater.

Last year, a masked Mike Trout secretly entered and won the Rumble, much to the delight of the gin soaked crowd. Ben Simmons was betrayed by Jay Wright, Paul Jolovitz landed his first ever offensive move, and Tina Fey bit the jugular out of Bill Cosby in a moment that will haunt the poor souls who witnessed it until the day they die. Great times were had by all!

Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.

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Phillies reveal final plans and location for refurbished Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell

It’s no secret that we love the old Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell at the Coggin Toboggan. Hell, we tracked the bell down to a Food Distributor company that neighbored Citizens Bank Park, where it lay in wait for years until a proper plan could be devised for it.

The Phillies confirmed to us in an exclusive story that they were planning to refurbish the bell and display it to fans for the 2019 season.

We even stalked the bell from outer space, finding satellite pictures of the monolith rotting in CW Dunnet and Co’s backyard. We procured exclusive pictures of the Phillies reacquiring the bell last year, seeing it in all its rusted out and weathered glory.

And now, finally, we know what the Phillies plan to do with the relic that I, personally, DEVOTED 10 YEARS TO TRACKING DOWN.

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Joe Santoliquito digs deeper hole for himself in bizarre WIP Morning Show interview

Literally one of the first rules of journalism that you’re taught as a striving, young reporter is to never make the story about yourself.

Joe Santoliquito must have skipped that day of class at Gudger Journalism Tech Correspondence School.

In a BIZARRE appearance with Angelo Cataldi on the WIP Morning Show, Santoliquito stumbled, bumbled, and fumbled his way through a near 19-minute interview in which you could AUDIBLY HEAR Al Morganti restraining himself from jumping over the studio console and throttling the quivering mass of jelly for a haphazard and poorly written piece of “journalism.”

Near the end of the interview, Santoliquito takes a bizarre stance on the article and how he’s the best thing Wentz has going for him.

“Guess what? I’m the best thing Carson Wentz has ever had going for him. You know why? You don’t think this is going to piss him off even more? You don’t think this is going to motivate him even more, to stick this up someone’s little tail and just say, hey listen pal, you’re wrong. Everybody else that believes what you said and wrote is wrong.”

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of a journalist who desperately wants to make the story about himself. You can listen to the entire interview right here.

It’s like Santoliquito had visions of parading through Broad Street in 2020 after the Eagles Super Bowl victory, the Lombardi Trophy in his hands, as Wentz thanked him for all he did.

“I couldn’t have done it without you Joe. You were right all along, you motivated me to be a better person, to get over my ego, to become a better teammate, to become a better man….and a better lover,” Wentz would say, and then softly caress the bearded journalists cheek and give him a tender kiss on the mouth.

You can dream, Joe, but something tells me you’re not going to be allowed in the Eagles locker room past this week.

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The end of an Eagles season and the start to a lot of Eagles questions

The Coggin Toboggan is officially a Chiefs fan site now. Just bathe us in red and gold, we’re all in the on the Chiefs and big Andy capturing that elusive Super Bowl ring. He deserves it more than any of the remaining three teams still in this god forsaken playoff stretch.

After the first Super Bowl in franchise history, the Eagles fell short in the Divisional Round against the #1 seed Saints, 20-14. It was a little colder this morning, a little grayer, at the thought of the Saints moving on to fake the Rams in the NFC Championship.

You have to hand it to the Saints. They put up 20 points against a completely battered defense that was down to playing Linc stadium security in the secondary against a hall of fame quarterback.

It’s fine. The balm of Super Bowl LII takes the sting out of another playoff loss. Sure, it burns a little more that fat boy Sean Payton beat them again after running up the score earlier this year, but it is what it is.

We can all take solace in the idea of him suffering some sort of cardiac event leading up to the NFC championship. Nothing serious, but just a little something to really put the fear of god into him. It seems only fair.

But the end of the road puts the Eagles firmly onto the Turnpike of Questions. This roster, suddenly, is on rocky ground.

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Hey Eagles, you want this Evan Turner signed mini-ball? Win three fucking games

Well well well, Sean Payton, two can play at this game.

Fat boy Sean Payton reportedly wheeled $265,000 and the Lombardi Trophy into a meeting this week, challenging his team to win “three fucking games” if they wanted the trophy and the Super Bowl victory bonus.

Some would call it a masterclass in motivation. Others would call it a cheap ploy to garner attention by a chubby coach who has done less with more than any other coach in NFL history.

Well you know what? I don’t see any New Orleans fans offering up anything of sentimental value to their team if they win this Sunday. So the Coggin Toboggan is announcing that we will officially bequeath this Evan Turner signed mini-ball to all members of the Philadelphia Eagles if they win this Sunday.

What an honor!

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