You’d think the 94 WIP programmers in charge of keeping Angelo Cataldi-Bot 2.0 current would have given him a much needed software update after the Eagles won their first Super Bowl against the Patriots this past February.
Hook him up to the computer, download the latest patch to keep him churning for another year, and let’s at LEAST get some new, incorrect takes from this dinosaur.
Here is is assessment from last night’s loss to the Patriots. Bear in mind, this is the preseason. It means absolutely nothing.
Huh….wha? Didn’t the Eagles win a Super Bowl? Are we really turning on this team, this coach, TWO GAMES INTO THE PRESEASON?
Well, ok. Let’s be honest though, Angelo is a professional sports analyst. Maybe he’s seeing something that we’re not? Maybe we should be worried going into this year?
I’m sure Angelo didn’t share the same worries in the 2017 preseason, right? He, of all people, surely saw that Doug Pederson had this team trending in the right direction?
Let’s see what he had to say last year after the jump.
Like Ripley returning to the alien infested colonial outpost in search of Newt, the Eagles are stepping back into the fray tonight and kicking off their Super Bowl defending season in an all but meaningless preseason bout against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
In Philadelphia, nobody can hear you scream (yes, I know that’s the tagline from “Alien” and not “Aliens” … but the “Aliens” tagline sucks. This time it’s war? Get the hell out of here).
We’re in uncharted waters here, Eagles fan. It’s the first year in the history of the franchise where we’re not coming off of a terrible Andy Reid postseason loss, a disheartening/borderline racist Chip Kelly 7-9 season, or a comically bad “Dream Team” season that left us all hating Jason Babin and his stupid tattoos just a little bit more than we thought was humanly possible.
The path is unexplored from here on out, Eagles. What’s it going to be? Will this year live up to the hype, the GREATNESS of last year’s Super Bowl run and victory, or will it all come crashing down?
Will this season be “Aliens” or will it be “Major League 2?” Will it be an all-time great sequel to an all-time great movie, or will it be a soulless, unnecessary cash-in without the entire returning cast from the original?
The answer, I think, lies somewhere in between.
The year is 2035. A picture of the unopened box containing Terrell Owens’ NFL Hall of Fame gold jacket has just received its 500,000th retweet. Owens has exercised his 10-day clause with the Toronto Argonauts. Zombies now have Senate majority.
Terrell Owens hasn’t played in the NFL since 2010. He’s been out of Philadelphia for 13 years. One of the top three wide receivers to ever play in the NFL was just elected to the Hall of Fame, and yet we’re all greeted with this news yesterday.
(How many idiots saw this news and called into the Fanatic or WIP yesterday and said the Eagles should give him a shot?)
Oh my GOD. Enough. Enough Terrell, you’re killing us. In the words of Jud Crandall from Pet Semetary, “Sometimes, dead is better.”
It’s time to stay buried, T.O. Go to your ceremony this week, get your jacket, don’t say a word at the podium, and live the rest of your life. Pretty please with popcorn on top.
We have eyes and ears everywhere in Washington, D.C., so it was only a matter of time until President Trump’s “Celebration of America” program leaked and was placed in our grubby little hands by one of our various little birdies flittering and fluttering around the halls of the White House.
After realizing only a handful of Eagles could stomach being within a 100-yard proximity of Trump, the commander in chief abruptly cancelled the Eagles planned visit to the White House this afternoon for their Super Bowl LII victory.
His reasons? The usual “let’s throw some shit about the National Anthem and NFL protests against the wall” to see what sticks.
Sounds like a fun event! I’m sure nobody will be disappointed that they get to see jowly Trump in all his pasty glory trudging across the White House lawn instead of their Philadelphia Eagles heroes.
If you’re planning on going down to D.C. for the “big” celebration this afternoon, here’s the leaked series of events for the program.
What a morning! The sun is shining (it isn’t), the birds are chirping (they’re not, they’re all frozen) and Mike Lombardi, the purveyor of the least correct comment/take about Philadelphia sports in the history of sports talk, is oiling up his disgusting old-man foot in preparation to firmly lodge it in his mouth yet again.
We have truly been blessed, Philadelphia.
Last night, while likely taking a moment out of his nightly routine of applying generous dollops of lanolin oil over every inch of his wrinkled, musty body, Lombardi must have tuned into the 76ers victory over the Charlotte Hornets and run afoul of a sight he just couldn’t abide.
Why……there was Markelle Fultz, the still “injured” 76ers point guard, DARING to show his face on the television broadcast, wasting valuable moments he could have been in the trainers room balancing his scapular muscle or studying film! He needed to share his displeasure, to alert the masses of god fearing sports fans of this GHASTLY affront to everything good and pure about basketball.
Reports came out this morning that Rob Gronkowski, who likely would be entertained if you gave him some shiny tinfoil and small bits of string to play with, did NOT have a nice time playing for the New England Patriots this year.
But, but, but wait….everyone’s favorite sourpuss and Lane Johnson criticizer Teddy Bruschi said winning cures all and football isn’t MEANT to be fun as long as you’re a Patriot!
So what gives? It’s like Lane Johnson was on to something when he said he’d rather have a fun time playing football for a player friendly coach and winning a Super Bowl rather than being part of a totalitarian regime of a football franchise that treats its players like interchangeable commodities instead of actual human beings.
In a CBS Boston report by Tom E. Curran, Gronk has apparently had it up to HERE with the Patriots and the mythological “Patriots Way.”
*2018 Super Bowl Winning Speech of the Year, as voted on by The Coggin Toboggan
Oh Mike Francesa, did somebody not get their nappy earlier this week? The sleepy, longtime radio personality (who is doing radio now more than ever after his retirement) decided his virgin ears were BESMIRCHED by Jason Kelce’s epic Super Bowl speech on the step’s of the Art Museum during last Thursday’s Super Bowl parade and called on Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie to cut the Pro-Bowl center for his lewdness.
Francesa dropped his own, far-less entertaining rant on the WOR Sports Zone, and was most likely heard by dozens upon dozens of fans listening on their HAM radios.
NBC Sports Philadelphia transcribed Francesa’s “old-man yells at cloud” moment for all of us to enjoy and mock forever: