What a morning! The sun is shining (it isn’t), the birds are chirping (they’re not, they’re all frozen) and Mike Lombardi, the purveyor of the least correct comment/take about Philadelphia sports in the history of sports talk, is oiling up his disgusting old-man foot in preparation to firmly lodge it in his mouth yet again.
We have truly been blessed, Philadelphia.
Last night, while likely taking a moment out of his nightly routine of applying generous dollops of lanolin oil over every inch of his wrinkled, musty body, Lombardi must have tuned into the 76ers victory over the Charlotte Hornets and run afoul of a sight he just couldn’t abide.
Why……there was Markelle Fultz, the still “injured” 76ers point guard, DARING to show his face on the television broadcast, wasting valuable moments he could have been in the trainers room balancing his scapular muscle or studying film! He needed to share his displeasure, to alert the masses of god fearing sports fans of this GHASTLY affront to everything good and pure about basketball.
Reports came out this morning that Rob Gronkowski, who likely would be entertained if you gave him some shiny tinfoil and small bits of string to play with, did NOT have a nice time playing for the New England Patriots this year.
But, but, but wait….everyone’s favorite sourpuss and Lane Johnson criticizer Teddy Bruschi said winning cures all and football isn’t MEANT to be fun as long as you’re a Patriot!
So what gives? It’s like Lane Johnson was on to something when he said he’d rather have a fun time playing football for a player friendly coach and winning a Super Bowl rather than being part of a totalitarian regime of a football franchise that treats its players like interchangeable commodities instead of actual human beings.
In a CBS Boston report by Tom E. Curran, Gronk has apparently had it up to HERE with the Patriots and the mythological “Patriots Way.”
*2018 Super Bowl Winning Speech of the Year, as voted on by The Coggin Toboggan
Oh Mike Francesa, did somebody not get their nappy earlier this week? The sleepy, longtime radio personality (who is doing radio now more than ever after his retirement) decided his virgin ears were BESMIRCHED by Jason Kelce’s epic Super Bowl speech on the step’s of the Art Museum during last Thursday’s Super Bowl parade and called on Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie to cut the Pro-Bowl center for his lewdness.
Francesa dropped his own, far-less entertaining rant on the WOR Sports Zone, and was most likely heard by dozens upon dozens of fans listening on their HAM radios.
NBC Sports Philadelphia transcribed Francesa’s “old-man yells at cloud” moment for all of us to enjoy and mock forever:
I’ve been meaning to tell you guys something for a while now…I’m usually not one to beat around the bush, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’m a straight shooter, okay? I just come out and say what we want to say, you know? I don’t dance around things, I don’t hint, I don’t nudge, I just come right out and say it. Yes, I come right out and say what I truly believe, do you know what I’m saying?
I…I love you guys. Will you be my Valentine?
It’s been a week and a half since the Eagles won the Super Bowl. The sun is shining just a bit brighter, the grass is just a bit greener, and the horse manure caked into Broad Street tastes just a little bit sweeter.
Nobody is complaining, everyone is getting along, the Flyers and Sixers are a combined 8-0 since the Eagles finally brought a Lombardi back to Philadelphia.
This city is jubilant, we’re all in great moods…does it feel wrong to anyone else?
I’m not saying it’s bad to be feeling this way, it just doesn’t feel RIGHT for Philadelphia.
Hey sports fans, the Eagles are back in the NFC title game for the first time since 2008 and you know what that means….tailgating brah! If there’s one thing The Coggin Toboggan knows, it’s how to throw a great party, so what better time to hold our first ever official Coggin Toboggan tailgate before the Eagles beat the Vikings this Sunday!
Sure, other blogs and websites hold tailgates for all of their fans, but there ain’t no party like a Coggin Toboggan party, because a Coggin Toboggan party don’t stop!
Here are all the details you’ll need to get your party on! E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!
::A familiar voice rings out from the back of head coach Doug Pederson’s press conference, and a familiar-faced, middle aged man begins to push his way through the assembled media corp, accidentally knocking Les Bowen to the ground as security desperately tries to contain the situation::
Hoying: Hey Doug, you little pissant, tell your gestapo SS guards to get their god damn hands offa me. I’m a legacy, fuck it all, I don’t deserve to be treated like this damnit. Do you dollar store LOSERS even know who I am, I used to run this town, get yer paws off of me for fucks sake….
::Hoying takes a wild swing at one of the Novacare guards, before Pederson tells them it’s okay and takes responsibility for the wild-eyed guest. Smiling, Hoying pulls Pederson into a meaty hug after the coach offers him his hand for a quick shake::