*2018 Super Bowl Winning Speech of the Year, as voted on by The Coggin Toboggan
Oh Mike Francesa, did somebody not get their nappy earlier this week? The sleepy, longtime radio personality (who is doing radio now more than ever after his retirement) decided his virgin ears were BESMIRCHED by Jason Kelce’s epic Super Bowl speech on the step’s of the Art Museum during last Thursday’s Super Bowl parade and called on Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie to cut the Pro-Bowl center for his lewdness.
Francesa dropped his own, far-less entertaining rant on the WOR Sports Zone, and was most likely heard by dozens upon dozens of fans listening on their HAM radios.
NBC Sports Philadelphia transcribed Francesa’s “old-man yells at cloud” moment for all of us to enjoy and mock forever:
I’ve been meaning to tell you guys something for a while now…I’m usually not one to beat around the bush, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’m a straight shooter, okay? I just come out and say what we want to say, you know? I don’t dance around things, I don’t hint, I don’t nudge, I just come right out and say it. Yes, I come right out and say what I truly believe, do you know what I’m saying?
I…I love you guys. Will you be my Valentine?
It’s been a week and a half since the Eagles won the Super Bowl. The sun is shining just a bit brighter, the grass is just a bit greener, and the horse manure caked into Broad Street tastes just a little bit sweeter.
Nobody is complaining, everyone is getting along, the Flyers and Sixers are a combined 8-0 since the Eagles finally brought a Lombardi back to Philadelphia.
This city is jubilant, we’re all in great moods…does it feel wrong to anyone else?
I’m not saying it’s bad to be feeling this way, it just doesn’t feel RIGHT for Philadelphia.
Hey sports fans, the Eagles are back in the NFC title game for the first time since 2008 and you know what that means….tailgating brah! If there’s one thing The Coggin Toboggan knows, it’s how to throw a great party, so what better time to hold our first ever official Coggin Toboggan tailgate before the Eagles beat the Vikings this Sunday!
Sure, other blogs and websites hold tailgates for all of their fans, but there ain’t no party like a Coggin Toboggan party, because a Coggin Toboggan party don’t stop!
Here are all the details you’ll need to get your party on! E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!
::A familiar voice rings out from the back of head coach Doug Pederson’s press conference, and a familiar-faced, middle aged man begins to push his way through the assembled media corp, accidentally knocking Les Bowen to the ground as security desperately tries to contain the situation::
Hoying: Hey Doug, you little pissant, tell your gestapo SS guards to get their god damn hands offa me. I’m a legacy, fuck it all, I don’t deserve to be treated like this damnit. Do you dollar store LOSERS even know who I am, I used to run this town, get yer paws off of me for fucks sake….
::Hoying takes a wild swing at one of the Novacare guards, before Pederson tells them it’s okay and takes responsibility for the wild-eyed guest. Smiling, Hoying pulls Pederson into a meaty hug after the coach offers him his hand for a quick shake::
Last week, either Thursday or Friday, I had the unpleasurable experience of not having the little device that allows you to plug your iPhone 7 into a normal auxiliary cable. You know what I’m talking about, the little connector doohickey that you lose 800 times a week and makes you CURSE THE GODS that Apple has no idea what their consumers want.
Rather than being left alone with my tortured thoughts for 20 minutes, against my better judgement I turned on the WIP morning show (and secretly hoped it would be in the middle of a commercial break so I would come to my senses and turn off the radio) and was BLASTED by Angelo Cataldi’s shrill voice, cackling about his plans for a trip to the west coast to watch the Eagles take on the Rams in a “complete and utter lock” of a game.
Al Morganti temporarily roused himself from his paint-huffing induced stupor and asked Cataldi if he remembered the last time he actually attended an Eagles game in person.
“Not since the Vet,” Cataldi grunted into the microphone.
I’m back baby! Dandy Don Tollefson is a free man, just like that. They just opened the doors of the prison for me, said I was free to go and pushed me through. Didn’t even give me a psych evaluation before turning me loose….huh, seems like something that should be standard procedure, right? How about that?! You learn something new everyday in this wackadoo life!
I really feel like they should have given me my medications, though, before putting me back on the streets of Philadelphia. I’ve been off of them for a few weeks now, but I don’t feel too bad. I have been hearing high pitched screaming every night while I sleep, causing me to wake up in a freezing cold sweat…and I’ll be honest, I am starting to hear that screaming while I’m awake as well…even when nobody is around.
It tortures me…it would make a lesser man go crazy.
But the midnight fox that is set adrift on the Winter winds stays a hop and a leap ahead of insanity, that’s what I always say.
Did you see me on NBC 10 the other day? I thought I came off quite well, I really did. Take a look for yourself: