Flyers

The last 20 years of the Philadelphia Flyers have been nothing but a blur

QUICK. Without looking it up, can you tell me how the Flyers season ended two years ago? Can you even tell me how their season ended LAST year? Did they make the playoffs? Was that the year Steve Mason let in a 90-foot goal against the Rangers? Or was that they year they lost in seven games to the Rangers? Didn’t they get swept by the Capitals a few seasons ago? Or was that the season they fall apart after a 10-game win streak in January and missed the playoffs, or does that happen every year?

Is Jeff Hackett still on this team? Derian Hatcher? Rob Esche? Luke Schenn? Michal Handzus?

Is Maxime Oullet EVER coming up to be the Flyers goalie of the century?

Outside of the miraculous, out of nowhere Stanley Cup run in 2010, the last 20 years of the Flyers franchise have been one long singular blur of wasted opportunities, wasted primes, and first round playoff flame-outs. The only singular identity this team has had over that period of time is the comically inept ability ability to find a franchise goalie since Ron Hextall left for the second time in the late 90s.

Ironically, the one time they actually found a young, franchise-worthy goalie they shipped his ass out of town and signed Ilya Bryzgalov to a 35-year, $250 million contract (or maybe it just seemed that long and expensive).

Watching this current team lose in overtime yesterday to the Pittsburgh Penguins as two goalies I’ve never heard of traded opportunities to blow several leads, I realized that during my adult life the majority of seasons for the Flyers have played out exactly the same.

They’re just there, in the background of our fandom. Nothing but ambient noise. No more, no less.

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Dave Hakstol excited to really dick around Nolan Patrick or Nico Hischier next season

051915_hakstol-dave_600After the miraculous fall of the ping-pong balls that netted the Philadelphia Flyers the #2 overall draft pick in the 2017 NHL draft, Flyers head coach Dave Hakstol noted his excitement at having a top-notch prospect he could dick around for the entirety of the 2017-2018 season.

The Flyers will likely select either centers Nolan Patrick or Nico Hischier, two sublimely talented young forwards that Hakstol said would “most certainly” be scratched for 40 to 50 games next season in favor of far less talented forwards on the roster.

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Everything is better with a good Ric Flair WOOOOOOOOO

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Wooooooooooo!

Apparently the Flyers PA announcer has been piping in glorious Ric Flair WOOOOOs during stoppages of play for the past two home games. The Flyers are 2-0 in those games. Coincidence? Obviously not.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo!

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing that is not improved with a good Ric Flair woo. Think back to the time you lost your virginity (or just imagine it for those of us that have dedicated our lives to the Lord)…pretty embarrassing right? Probably not all that fun?

Well, just imagine letting out an impressive WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO instead of what you actually did (burst into tears) and it’s 100 times better, no?

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

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Ron Hextall cheers up Steve Mason, a play in several acts

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Steve, cheer up buddy. Just because you lost the game for us in the last two minutes doesn’t mean you have to be nervous about your job security.

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Thanks Ron. Tough one last night.

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Yep, exactly. Would have been much better if you had been able to shuffle your fat ass across the crease to stop the world’s slowest wraparound attempt. But yeah, don’t worry about it.

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Ron? You ok?

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No no, really, just don’t worry about it and focus on the next game and how you’ll blow it for your hard working teammates and how you’re forcing me to drink more than I want to and spend more time on the phone looking for a goalie who can stop the GODDAMN puck.

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It’s just one goal Ron, I’ll do better next game.

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I should slash you right across those weak hamstrings of yours, you piece of garbage.

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…..

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Get the fuck out of my office.

Carl Lindros delivers stirring Hall of Fame acceptance speech for son

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Carl Lindros’s son.

Carl Lindros, father of one of the newest members of the Hockey Hall of Fame, Eric Lindros, accepted the induction and delivered a speech on behalf of his son, despite Eric being healthy and present at the induction ceremony.

Carl beamed at the podium as he thanked the assembled crowd for the great honor.

“I’ve worked so hard to go where I am. This is just a culmination of the years of blood, sweat and tears that I’ve put into my son,” Lindros said, wiping tears away from his eyes as Eric looked on from the side stage.

“I did it. I can’t believe it, but I’ve finally reached the pinnacle,” he said.

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Flyers head coach Dave Hakstol pros and cons

051915_hakstol-dave_600Second year head coach Dave Hakstol is looking to improve upon a successful, inaugural season behind the Flyers bench.

But what can be expected of the second year coach? What are the pros and cons of the man who only has one year of experience?

The Coggin Toboggan is going to delve into what Dave Hakstol brings to the table and what the coach can improve upon in the 2016-2017 season.

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Carl Lindros: “I did it!”

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Carl Lindros’s son.

Toronto, Canada – A jubilant Carl Lindros celebrated with his wife, Bonnie, in their Toronto home Monday afternoon after the NHL Hall of Fame selection committee elected Carl Lindros’s son to the hall of fame.

Lindros, who once claimed the Flyers had tried to kill his son in 1999, can finally take his place among the great, meddling hockey parents of all time.

The helicopter parent said this “made all of my personal sacrifices, blood, sweat and tears completely worth it” and that he was “very honored” to be a part of “my big day.”

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