The home opener went about as expected. Phillies beat a minor league Marlins squad 5-0 on a blustery opening day. Gabe got the ever loving shit booed out of him by the Phillies Phaithful, likely shedding manlytears behind the safety of his reflective aviator sunglasses as his muscular heart broke in twain. Nick Williams
But the most interesting nugget to come out of the home opener? Let Todd Zolecki fill you in on the new clubhouse routine after a win.
Fog machines? Lasers? Strobe lights? I’m sure that won’t get insanely irritating by May. If just one of those players in the clubhouse was epileptic it would be a DISASTER of shaky proportions.
The clubhouse is a 1970s Who concert, without the tragic trampling of hundreds of adoring fans.
But hold on a second here….there may be more to this than meets the eye. Is Gabe Kapler trying to tell us something?
……………………..What the hell was that?
No, really. What the hell did we just see? Fifteen pitchers used in the first two games of the season (an MLB record, one of the bad ones), which forced the Phillies to address the ALREADY TAXED bullpen (on game 2) by contemplating a roster move to bring up an additional pitcher for Saturday’s game.
Kapler trotted out to the mound over the weekend like a man who realized he had forgotten about cardio training for the last 15 years of his life.
But somehow, SOMEHOW that wasn’t even the worst part of the weekend. The worst part was watching Gabe Kapler’s brain fog over from inhaling too much fermented sloth piss (it does wonders to balance your Chi) before the game and summon Hoby Milner in relief for third inning during Saturday’s bloodbath DESPITE the lefty having not thrown a warmup pitch.
What was he expecting Milner to do, kick the ball to home plate? This led to crew chief Jerry Lane openly chastising Kapler for his incredible amounts of incompetence in managing the Phillies in the third game of his career.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen an umpire openly go into a manager on the record for putting his athletes in danger of being injured.
Good lord….look at this absolute DRECK that the Phillies smeared across the faces of their fans on opening day in 1998.
Passenger manifestos for crashed airline flights are less depressing than Philadelphia’s 1998 opening day lineup.
I don’t remember one detail of this Mark Lewis guy. You could have told me he played second base for the Philadelphia team on the NES classic Bases Loaded and I would have believed it. Whoever it was, I don’t think he had a historic run for the Fightins.
What was the average attendance per game this season? 8,000? 7,000? Did they let fans pinch hit in the later innings?
Does this check out? Did this guy named Desi Relaford actually play for the Phillies? He’s ranting and raving about how awful fans treated him during his “playing days” for the Phillies on some podcast, but god damn that name is not ringing a bell.
Does anyone remember this guy? Sure, those were some lean years for the Phillies, but the name Desi Relaford isn’t bringing anything to mind. He has to be lying, nobody could ever be THAT forgettable, or have been THAT worthless of a player to completely have dissipated from the ether of all Philadelphia sports fan conscious, right?
Let’s get to the bottom of this mystery.
Hold on a second, according to Baseball-Reference.com he played FIVE SEASONS for the Phillies? From 1996 to 2000? That cannot be right….five years for this team, nearly 1,200 plate appearances, 320 games, and he was the starting shortstop for two years?! WHAT?! Was he any good?
Phillies totals (5 seasons)
- .234 batting average
- 9 home runs
- 104 RBIs
- 22 stolen bases
- .315 OBP
- .328 slugging
- .643 OPS
- A -0.5 WAR OVER HIS 11 SEASON CAREER?! Why, it’s as if he never even existed in Major League Baseball!
Ok, so he decidedly was NOT a good ballplayer, but there’s no way he said anything TOO awful about the city? Right? RIGHT?!
Let’s check out his comments on the Jake Brown Show after the jump.
In 2012 I sent an email to a contact I had within the Phillies organization with an odd request. Could he get me more information, and possibly the location, of the old Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell?
Six years later after countless emails, dead ends, contradicting accounts, and one extraordinarily helpful South Philadelphia food distributing company president, the Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell has found a permanent home back with the Philadelphia Phillies.
“I wanted to let you know that we are no longer in possession of the Liberty Bell. A while back we were contacted by the Phillies organization about reacquiring the bell. After discussing it internally, we decided that the plans we had to display the bell were too ambitious for now, and returning the bell to the Phillies provided the best chance for it to be ‘resurrected’ and given a chance to be displayed and appreciated by Phillies fans again,” Sean Scollon, chief business intelligence officer at C.W. Dunnet & Co., told The Coggin Toboggan.
James Trout, director, marketing services and events for the Phillies, confirmed the organization has the bell. The Phillies plan to refurbish the approximately 20-foot high, 15-foot wide bell and put it on display for fans at Citizens Bank Park as early as the 2019 season.
Any additional plans or location for the bell at the stadium is unknown at this point, he said.
The Phillies reportedly hired themselves some Grade-A American beef over the weekend, tabbing former Los Angeles exec and muscled adonis Gabe Kapler as the franchise’s next manager.
Kapler is expected to bring cutting-edge sports science techniques to the clubhouse, a willingness to take risks, and an unfettered beauty that will force thousands of straight men in the area to take a long, uncomfortable look at their own sexual identities.
Good god, just look at him. LOOK AT THAT PUNIM! That is a face you can bring home to momma.
You could grate cheese on those abs, cheese that Gabe wouldn’t eat because you can’t get abs like that if you’re constantly eating the cheese that you’ve grated off your own abs. Lets get serious.
He has a face that looks like it has been sculpted from a pure block of marble, crafted by the finest old-world Italian craftsmen that have ever walked upon this earth.
Wives and girlfriends will be wondering while their husbands and boyfriends are staying up late AGAIN to watch the Phillies this summer.
“You were up REALLY late last night…were you watching the Phillies again? They lost 10-2…what the hell were you doing?”
“Nothing, ok? Just shut up. Oh, don’t clear out the DVR, I taped the game.”
Rhys Hoskins is already in hot water with Philadelphia (photo credit: MLB.com)
The Rhys Hoskins era is already off to a tenuous start in Philadelphia.
The eagerly anticipated Phillies call-up fielded questions from reporters this morning, but the first baseman/left fielder found himself in hot water after failing to correctly answer a fluff question from Phillies field reporter Gregg Murphy about the 2016 Eagles record.
“The Eagles start their preseason tonight against the Green Bay Packers, how do you think they’ll do this year?” Murph casually asked the 24-year-old slugger prior to his first organized practice with the team.