Phillies

Phillies tab a piece of Grade-A, marbled American beef to be their next manager

The Phillies reportedly hired themselves some Grade-A American beef over the weekend, tabbing former Los Angeles exec and muscled adonis Gabe Kapler as the franchise’s next manager.

Kapler is expected to bring cutting-edge sports science techniques to the clubhouse, a willingness to take risks, and an unfettered beauty that will force thousands of straight men in the area to take a long, uncomfortable look at their own sexual identities.

Good god, just look at him. LOOK AT THAT PUNIM! That is a face you can bring home to momma.

You could grate cheese on those abs, cheese that Gabe wouldn’t eat because you can’t get abs like that if you’re constantly eating the cheese that you’ve grated off your own abs. Lets get serious.

He has a face that looks like it has been sculpted from a pure block of marble, crafted by the finest old-world Italian craftsmen that have ever walked upon this earth.

Wives and girlfriends will be wondering while their husbands and boyfriends are staying up late AGAIN to watch the Phillies this summer.

“You were up REALLY late last night…were you watching the Phillies again? They lost 10-2…what the hell were you doing?”

“Nothing, ok? Just shut up. Oh, don’t clear out the DVR, I taped the game.”

 

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SHOCKING: Rhys Hoskins, newest Phillies call-up, can’t recall Eagles 2016 record

 

MiLB: JUL 26 Florida State League - Bradenton Marauders at Clearwater Threshers

Rhys Hoskins is already in hot water with Philadelphia (photo credit: MLB.com)

The Rhys Hoskins era is already off to a tenuous start in Philadelphia.

The eagerly anticipated Phillies call-up fielded questions from reporters this morning, but the first baseman/left fielder found himself in hot water after failing to correctly answer a fluff question from Phillies field reporter Gregg Murphy about the 2016 Eagles record.

“The Eagles start their preseason tonight against the Green Bay Packers, how do you think they’ll do this year?” Murph casually asked the 24-year-old slugger prior to his first organized practice with the team.

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Maybe the Phillies should rethink inducting alleged child molester Pete Rose to the Wall of Fame?

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(Photo credit: NY Daily News)

Now, I may not know a whole lot, but don’t people usually not enjoy being around alleged child molesters? I know for a fact that child molesters aren’t usually inducted into Wall’s of Fame (unless they’re child molesting wall’s of fame, the least popular type of wall) in front of 20,000 shocked, silent fans.

So maybe the Phillies should rethink this one, huh?

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The saga of J.D. Hammer

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A sweating, flustered Matt Klentak enters the Buddhist monastery, scanning the red robed holy men for the man he’s come to see. His eyes squint and he nods his head as he sees his acquisition, the man they call The Hammer, working silently on an ox cart to repair a broken axle.

Klentak walks slowly up to the 23-year-old closer, observing his work. Hammer’s head raises slightly, sensing a presence behind him. His shoulders slump and he exhales wearily, knowing what’s going to come next.

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A Phillies ticket waiting list could generate millions in revenue for the franchise

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Earlier this week the 76ers instituted a new “Club 76” waiting list and a tiered membership program for fans clamoring to buy season tickets. The highest tiered program allows fans to pay a fee of $76 to jump those not in Club 76 in the waiting list for season tickets.

The program has ruffled some feathers in the city, but the Phillies should take note of their across the street neighbors and create a waiting list of their own. Charge a fee, and  revenue will roll in hand over first for the franchise.

Seem unlikely? Hear me out. This is a billion dollar idea I’m giving away for FREE…if I don’t receive a phone call from one of the 953 owners of the Phillies I’ll be very insulted.

We’ll call it “Club 10,799”. Fans pay a nominal fee of $200 to join. Seem steep? Wait until you see what benefits a club membership gives you access too.

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Just give in and #embracethesuck with the Phillies

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Odubel Herrera HEROICALLY being thrown out by 50-feet last night. (photo credit: Deadspin.com)

Last night the Phillies blew a 5-0 lead against the Cardinals and didn’t even have the decency for their fans to lose in the 9th inning. After a game tying home run in the ninth, they proceeded to lumber into extra innings and shit all over themselves.

After a balk, a wild throw on a pick off attempt, the ignoring of a stop sign which resulted in the winning run being thrown out by 50-feet, the Phillies mercifully pulled the plug and lost 7-6.

Did you expect anything else? A buddy of mine every year growing up would try to get us excited about the Phillies, only to have his soul crushed in HILARIOUS fashion when Ron Gant/Kevin Sefcik/Rob Ducey/Rico Brogna/Mike Lieberthal/Randy Wolf/Omar Daal/Travis Lee didn’t pan out to be franchise saviors and the Phillies were in last place by July.

I guarantee even he didn’t expect them to win last night.

The strangest thing, though? Phillies twitter went CRAZY. Oh my, there was a great gnashing and whaling of teeth as fans smashed their faces into keyboards and spat vitriol into the electric ether about this garbage organization.

Why? WHY?! WHY THE OUTRAGE?! They dropped to 26 games under .500 and we’re not even out of June yet. There are 92 games left in the season. The season is over. Unless angels come down from the heavens and help Hector Neris regain command of his sinker and cast Odubel Herrera down into the fiery depths of hell this season is a complete waste of time.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. walks into Phillies clubhouse out of habit, trades Mickey Moniak

Ruben Amaro JrOld habits die hard, just ask former Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr.

Visiting Citizens Bank Park for the first time since being fired as the organization’s general manager, the two sides got a good chuckle out of Amaro Jr. accidentally walking into the Phillies home clubhouse instead of the visitors clubhouse Wednesday night prior to the Phillies home stint with the Boston Red Sox.

“Oops…I don’t think I’ve even been to the visitors clubhouse, my bad guys,” Amaro Jr. said to the amused group of Phillies who were lounging around prior to the game, speaking with members of the media.

“Oh, and someone tell Mickey Moniak I’ve traded him to the Mets for Curtis Granderson. We need some power at the corners and they needed young talent. Should be a win-win.”

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