Just Cancel Baseball Already

Enough is enough. At this point I think we’d all rather watch replays of “Little Big League” and “Major League” on the MLB network than get our hopes up for the off chance the player’s union and the owners decide to stop lobbing passive aggressive tweets at each other to, you know, actually play baseball.

70 games. 60 games. 50 games. 90 games and we play into December in front of rats with open bottles of Schnapps at Citizens Bank Park….who gives a shit. It doesn’t matter at this point.


Op-Ed: “I’ve Always Hated Baseball” by MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred

Do people still even watch baseball in 2020? With so many other better, faster paced sports to watch, why is baseball even an option for this country? National pastime? More like the national passed-time, if you ask me.

Baseball has been passed over and left to rot on the side of the road. It’s a wonder there’s still a demand for the “bland old game.”

Frankly, I wish it would go away forever.


Baseball is eating itself to death and nobody really cares

Big news everyone! Billionaire baseball owners don’t want to pay their athletes previously agreed upon prorated salaries and want to cut salaries even further for the absolute privilege of playing an abbreviated season amidst a global pandemic!

And guess what?! Boy oh boy, I bet you can’t guess….but the players don’t want to take a pay cut and be paid based on revenues earned in the truncated season. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!

It’s billionaires arguing with millionaires about how many millions they’ll all be paid, while the rest of us have been sitting in our filthy hovels for the last three months wondering when we’ll ever be allowed into Target again without face masks.

Fuck baseball. Fuck the owners for being greedy pigs. Fuck everyone involved squabbling for money.


The Milwaukee Brewers selected us in the Rule 5 Draft

brewerslogoHORRENDOUS. We just got news from the Milwaukee Brewers that the organization selected the Coggin Toboggan this morning in the MLB Rule 5 draft.

I didn’t even know blogs were available to be chosen in the draft, but here we are. We are Milwaukee bound, whether we like it or not.

Fuckkkkkk me. I don’t want to move to Milwaukee. God damn us.

Brewers GM David Stearns called us to congratulate us on our new roles and advised us to bone up on our mid-western humor.


Zack Hample descends on Citizens Bank Park…..ughhhhhhhhh



Zack Hample, the annoying ball hawk that has long overstayed his welcome in the public eye, wrote a post on his blog in 2013 about a trip he took to Citizens Bank Park for an August match-up between the Phillies and the Braves.

He describes then Braves closer Craig Kimbrel actively encouraging his fellow bullpen mates to not throw the needy Hample a ball.

Craig Kimbrel, I salute you.

Enough with Zack Hample. You’re nearly 40-years-old and still running around baseball stadiums with a glove, trampling fans to catch foul balls and home runs…it’s over. Your ten minutes of fame is finished.

I’d rather listen to a complete stranger talk to me about their fantasy football losses than listen to someone go on and on and on about how they catch foul balls at baseball games.


Tim Tebow’s new agent ‘100% guarantees’ he signs a major league deal after showcase


Tim Tebow is crediting his newfound success to a change in management.

Los Angeles, Calif. – The new agent for ex-NFL quarterback Tim Tebow made a bold proclamation this morning, guaranteeing the athlete would be signing a major league deal with one of the 20 teams, scheduled to attend his showcase.

B.L. ZeBub, head representative of the Inferno Talent Agency, guaranteed his newest client would greatly impress at the Aug. 30 showcase and be signing with one of the 20 teams in attendance, including the Phillies, before the season is completed.


Exclusive: Chase Utley pens own appeal and we have a copy

PHI+chase+utley+042611Chase Utley, who is facing a two-game suspension for his takeout slide of Ruben Tejada during a double play in Saturday night’s NLDS game against the Mets, filed an appeal today of his punishment, which will be heard by Major League Baseball before the beginning of game two for tonight.

However, Utley is taking an active part in his appeal, as the eloquent second baseman wrote his own appeal and emailed it to MLB representatives this afternoon, including Joe Torre, the Executive Vice President for Baseball Operations for Major League Baseball.

The Coggin Toboggan has procured a copy of Utley’s appeal. Should the second baseman be suspended for tonight’s game for his role in the slide that broke Tejada’s leg, or does his heartfelt appeal letter make you feel better about his role in the incident?

See it for yourself after the jump.


Obscure Philadelphia athlete of the week: Rob Ducey


Rob Ducey reflecting on happier times, like when he wasn’t playing for the Phillies in the late 90s.

Rob Ducey! Phillies outfielder for three partial seasons from 1999 to 2001! Played 246 games for the Fightins and hit an IMPRESSIVE 15 home runs. He did, however, reach his career high in RBI for a season with 33 in 1999 with the Phillies, so that’s something he can always remember and look back on fondly.

Now, my memory isn’t what it used to be, but with an athlete of Rob’s caliber playing for the organization for three seasons, they must have been fairly good. Oh wait, they were 228-258 over that time period. They SUCKED and he SUCKED. God those late 90s Phillies teams were just wastelands for talent to go and die. When Rico Brogna and Wayne Gomes are the highlights of your roster, just call an end to your franchise, because you really have no hope.

Rob Ducey fun facts:

– Once sprained his wrist filling out thousands of all star ballots in his favor. Was placed on the DL for two months and none of the votes were registered as his wife threw them away in the garbage when she didn’t want to taint the exhibition game with his shit.

– Accidentally knocked over Whitey Ashburn’s casket at his memorial service. Blamed his son, who is still banned from the city of Philadelphia.

–  Is rumored to have used a bat infused with the essence of a thousand orphan souls.

– As a prospect, his rating was downgraded for his habit of running to third base out of the batter’s box. Blamed it on the Coriolis effect, which made no sense.

– Traded to Toronto in 2000 by Ed Wade for a lifetime membership to Golds Gym. Wade used the membership three times. mes since.