Philadelphia Sports

Hinkie signs Russian occultist to three-year deal

The Coggin Toboggan has an anonymous, high ranking source in the Philadelphia 76ers front office willing to provide the blog with all of the up to date moves Sixers GM Sam Hinkie makes during the season. The CT will keep its readers updated on all of the trades, free agent signings and special promotions the 76ers have planned for the future. 

The Coggin Toboggan recently learned the 76ers have signed Russian occultist and accomplished power forward Sergei Krasnoff to a three-year, incentive laden deal. Our source sent us the team’s scouting report on the newest addition to the 76ers.

Sergei Krasnoff

Age – Undetermined. Scouts have him pegged at 22, but could range anywhere from 20 to upwards of 3,000. Ancient parchment detailing his birth is sketchy at best.

Height – 6’6

Ethics/Personal philosophy – Evil.

Pros – Seems to understand the game of basketball fairly well with a decent mid-game and developing range. Ability to speak Russian will come in handy the next time Furkan Aldemir is found passed out on homemade vodka in the owners booth. Willing to get dirty and do what needs to be done. Has mentioned several times to our scouts that the “benefits of the putrid” outweigh the “benefits of the pure at heart.” Still unsure of what that seems to mean.

Cons – Has a slow first step. Oftentimes is distracted and has been caught muttering ancient incantations to himself when he needs to be setting a high pick and roll for his guards. Refuses to use a team issued playbook, instead chose to create his own with a special binding that may or may not be human skin, which lets out a tortured scream each time it’s opened. Could possibly be a reincarnated version of Rasputin with better passing ability.

Outlook – Needs to improve low post game and resist temptations of evil to be effective in this league. If he can improve his outside shooting and limit his intake of flesh to 3-4 times a week, he may be a force off the bench.

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Obscure Philadelphia athlete of the week: Rob Ducey

Ducey

Rob Ducey reflecting on happier times, like when he wasn’t playing for the Phillies in the late 90s.

Rob Ducey! Phillies outfielder for three partial seasons from 1999 to 2001! Played 246 games for the Fightins and hit an IMPRESSIVE 15 home runs. He did, however, reach his career high in RBI for a season with 33 in 1999 with the Phillies, so that’s something he can always remember and look back on fondly.

Now, my memory isn’t what it used to be, but with an athlete of Rob’s caliber playing for the organization for three seasons, they must have been fairly good. Oh wait, they were 228-258 over that time period. They SUCKED and he SUCKED. God those late 90s Phillies teams were just wastelands for talent to go and die. When Rico Brogna and Wayne Gomes are the highlights of your roster, just call an end to your franchise, because you really have no hope.

Rob Ducey fun facts:

– Once sprained his wrist filling out thousands of all star ballots in his favor. Was placed on the DL for two months and none of the votes were registered as his wife threw them away in the garbage when she didn’t want to taint the exhibition game with his shit.

– Accidentally knocked over Whitey Ashburn’s casket at his memorial service. Blamed his son, who is still banned from the city of Philadelphia.

–  Is rumored to have used a bat infused with the essence of a thousand orphan souls.

– As a prospect, his rating was downgraded for his habit of running to third base out of the batter’s box. Blamed it on the Coriolis effect, which made no sense.

– Traded to Toronto in 2000 by Ed Wade for a lifetime membership to Golds Gym. Wade used the membership three times. mes since.

What a start to the New Year

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his racist world views. On to today’s edition:

Holy shit we’re undefeated. Undefeated at home in 2015. After months of fielding squads that couldn’t beat intramural high school teams we finally beat an NBA level team for our fifth win of the year. Yes, I know the Cavs didn’t have Lebron or Kyrie Irving on the floor, but jesus christ did I need this. It was good to finally crush something other than the dozen and dozens of homeless prostitutes we enjoy on a weekly basis.

New to the team this past month is Furkan Aldemir, a Turkish national basketball star. He showed up one afternoon, didn’t say a word to anyone in the locker room, and immediately began to prepare and cook several lamb kebabs in a crudely built barbecue pit he slapped together on the floor. They were delicious. He’s taken to checking himself into games without Coach Brown’s permission and launches at least two half court shots a quarter, laughing maniacally and spitting at unwed women in the first several rows of the Wells Fargo Center. Nobody has any idea what he’s doing. He screamed at Tony Wroten the other day in garbled English and viciously slapped him across the face, bringing Tony to tears. Despite his quirks, he’s probably the best and scariest player on this team.

One man, a toboggan, and a harbinger of doom

cropped-coggin0001_20110907379.jpgWelcome to the newest blog on the Philadelphia sports scene, The Coggin Toboggan. Here at the CT, we vow to uphold the traditions upon which this site was founded.

Almost 15 years ago a right-handed pitcher found his way to the Philadelphia Phillies main roster, called up in June of 2000, making his major league debut on June 23. He’d start in five games that year for a team that would finish 65-97, but he showed something to the roster, going UNDEFEATED with a sterling 2-0 record and a 5.33 ERA.

Sure, David Coggin didn’t have the brilliance of an all-star pitcher or the handsome good looks of a young Otis Nixon. Sure, he would only appear in 55 more big league games over the course of two more lackluster seasons before retiring from the game he loved so dear…but ask anyone on those squads for a word or two on Coggin, and the majority will say, “Who?” And yes, the only remaining story worth telling about David Coggin was when a teammate tricked him into thinking the home games were played in Camden, New Jersey, and he cried for two hours straight until Terry Francona told him to shut the fuck up.

But do you know what David had over those three stellar years nobody else had? Something that nobody on those rosters could take away from him? A funny last name that could be rhymed with toboggan.

Fifteen years ago, while just a teen, my group of friends and I decided to attend a Phillies game with a toboggan and the greatest fan group of all was born. Coggin’s Tobaggon.

Oh what glorious plans did we have to honor our hero. After each and every strikeout registered from our hero, a ceremonious ride down one of the stairways at Veteran’s Stadium was to be performed by one of the members of the group…safety and brain cells be damned.

We never did make it to a game. The logistics of carrying a toboggan into the Vet and the threat of plummeting from the outfield stands onto the turf to our death proved too much. As quickly as it had been born, Coggin’s Tobaggon suffered a bittersweet death.

But the name hasn’t left my head in all these years. It has been resurrected in the form of a blog dedicated on bringing Philadelphia the finest in whiskey drenched sports musings.

So lets have some laughs, watch as our beloved Philadelphia teams struggle to succeed, and always remember what David Coggin said to a group of Philadelphia reporters the day he was released.

“I’ll be back in 15 years and you’re ALL GOING TO DIE” (reportedly said while firing a shotgun into a crowd and holding a bottle of Jack Daniels) *

 

*Most likely did not happen