The Eagles won Super Bowl LII. They won the Super Bowl. FUCKING FINALLY, they won the Super Bowl.
Last night I posted a heartfelt story about the win, about watching the game with my dad, my brother, my wife and wishing my other brother had been with us (instead of watching it in the city) to celebrate in our joy.
But that’s not us, right? That’s not The Coggin Toboggan. We have a “no hugging, no learning” rule like Seinfeld, but I figured we could at least break it for one night after a once in a lifetime moment.
Let’s get back to basics. Let’s get mean again, let’s get childish, let’s get back to our ROOTS as the most hated blog in Philadelphia.
Everyone in the franchise is thanking everyone for the Super Bowl win. God. Their family members. Belichick for inexplicably benching his start cornerback for no reason. It’s exhausting.
Who shouldn’t be thanked? Who deserves to be ridiculed and chastised for doing absolutely nothing for the franchise or the city? Here’s a running list of all those in franchise history who should NOT be thanked following last night’s Super Bowl victory:
I’m dying right now. DYING. Six hours to go until the Super Bowl LII and I can’t concentrate on anything else. Sure I took my kid for a walk this morning, but I was obsessively checking twitter for Eagles updates as he silently judged me from the stroller for my shoddy parenting. Kid, I know, believe me….but give me one day of being an absentee father, it’s been 13 years since the Eagles were in the Super Bowl and I’m a little fucking distracted.
I can’t stop looking at the torn Eagles poster from the Inquirer we haphazardly put in our window before the playoff run. It has seen better days, especially considering my kid wants to play with it every second (and by play, I mean fling it over his head and stomp on it until he gets bored).
I tried to recall exactly what it was I was doing back in 2005 in the hours leading up to the game. I was a senior at SUNY Binghamton and I made the three-hour drive to come back home and watch it at my buddy Kevin’s apartment in Queen Village. I 100% was not going to watch it with my jackass college friends (all Giants fans) who would have been giving each other silent smirks as I melted down into a pool of blind rage throughout the second half.
Do you remember how you felt before the season started? Back in July before training camp kicked off? Most were predicting a 9-7 year, possibly 10-6, with a CHANCE to get into the playoffs, and that was with a healthy Darren Sproles, Jason Peters, Jordan Hicks and Carson Wentz.
Seven months later, after 13 wins and 3 losses, 2 shocking wins in the playoffs, the Eagles are two days away from playing in the Super Bowl.
The mother fucking Super Bowl. Against the mother fucking New England Patriots, same as they were 14 years ago in 2004.
But there’s a difference between this year and 2004. Can you feel it? If you’ve been in the city over the past two weeks since their domination of the Minnesota Vikings, if you’ve watched the nightly news, if you’ve seen the 8 million highlight videos of the year’s best plays…you can sense the difference. You can sense the joy, the happiness, the ELECTRICITY of a team the city has come to love above all others.
Have you ever wanted the opportunity to own something creepy from a dead Eagles fan you didn’t know?! Well now’s your chance, weirdo.
Brian Hickey from Philly Voice published an interesting article yesterday on the city Medical Examiner’s Office giving the public the opportunity to own a dead Eagles fan’s pendant from beyond the grave.
The article explains that when a person dies and comes to the medical examiner’s office, their “personal effects” are given to the next of kin or stored for a year in the office and then thrown away.
Now, because apparently Philadelphia is so cash-strapped it’s resorting to selling the items of its dead citizens for PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR, the Medical Examiner’s Officer is auctioning off FIVE Eagles medallions/pendants to the highest bidder (currently at $93.04) and those who are the most enthusiastic about being haunted for the rest of their lives.
This is literally how 90% of the horror movies I’ve ever seen start:
Apparently it’s not as hard for Eagles fans in Minneapolis right now as Vikings fans led them to believe.
As hundreds of crestfallen (and butthurt) Vikings fans promised to start up Uber businesses this weekend to drive Eagles fans to wrong locations, created Facebook groups to organize meet-ups to throw trash at Eagles fans, canceled Eagles fans AirBnBs before the Super Bowl, denied Chris Maragos reservations, and generally promised to make life miserable for any Philadelphia Eagles fan that dared show up for the Super Bowl, it’s proving to not be all that bad for the throngs that made the trip.
I wanted to see just how difficult it would be to get a reservation for 10 Eagles fans on short notice in Minneapolis bars and restaurants near U.S. Bank Stadium. At the very least, I figured, the salty rejections from business owners would make for some good content.
It turns out that most business owners in Minneapolis aren’t as idiotic as the Vikings fans encountered on social media, because it’s QUITE EASY to make a reservation for 10 Eagles fans for tonight during prime dinner hours at just about any bar or restaurant within a mile of the Vikings stadium.
See just how much local business owners love Philadelphia Eagles fan after the jump:
I get it, Minnesotans, I really do. You want to come to City of Brotherly love this weekend, take in some culture, maybe see what all the fuss is about with these cheesesteaks, and you want to cheer on your Vikings in a polite, but slightly rowdy, manner.
It SOUNDS like a great weekend, but what will you do when you’re face to face with one of nature’s most relentless killing machines, an Eagles fan with a bone to pick?
Sure, they may seem cute and harmless when they’re doing their little E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES chant all afternoon, but when they’re bearing down on you with the broken shards of an Old Crow whiskey bottle, do you know what to do to increase your odds of survival?
Throwing cheese curds or whatever garbage it is you people eat up in Minnesota won’t help you.
Remember, Eagles fans can smell fear. If you reek of it (which you likely will), you stand little chance. The first step in survival is knowing what to do to increase your odds of getting out of their with your life.
Nick Foles has been around, folks, and he’s one of the most talented backup quarterbacks in the NFL. But still, following the news that Carson Wentz had indeed torn his ACL and would miss the rest of the year set off great waling and gnashing of teeth throughout the Delaware Valley.
BUT DON’T FRET! Nick Foles is going to be fine and I’m fully expecting the Eagles to still reach the Super Bowl.
Do you know why I’m so confident? Do you know why I’m expecting the Eagles to not miss a single beat with Foles under center the rest of the way?
Let me reveal to you the source of all my confidence in one Nick Foles.