Philadelphia Eagles

Eagles coaches raving about Marcus Smith’s Uber rating

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Eagles position coaches were buzzing Wednesday morning about recently arrived defensive lineman Marcus Smith, parcticularly in regards to the young man’s 5-star Uber driver rating, claiming he had shown vast improvement already over last year.

When asked to give an assessment of Smith so far, Chris Wilson, the defensive line coach of the Eagles, said Smith’s 1992 Toyota Tercel was “practically spotless” and he “always asks you if there’s a specific route you want him to go, or if he should just use Waze.”

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SCANDAL: Shorr-Parks admits to never attending an Eagles OTA, no journalist has

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Eliot Shorr-Parks is blowing the lid off of a massive Philadelphia sports media scandal.

In a stunning admission this morning on NJ.com, Eagles beat writer Eliot Shorr-Parks published a column apologizing to his readers after he admitted to not attending a single Eagles OTA this season, nor any over his entire journalistic career.

In fact, no sports journalist has ever attended an OTA in the past decade, he claimed.

The veteran journalist admitted to “just hanging out at a bar” for several hours each day with a number of other journalists from various city publications who were supposed to be covering the informal team workouts leading up to July training camp.

“Everything you read about OTAs in any of the newspapers in this city? All made up. Nobody actually goes to them, who would do that?” he wrote in a column published on NJ.com this morning. “We tried to cover them at first, but they’re so boring. Athletes running around in their shorts, playing catch? You try to crank out 1,000 words a day on that bullshit.”

“Where do they even hold OTAs anyways? Clearwater? No, that’s baseball…umm….Lehigh Valley? That sounds about right.”

Shorr-Parks decided to come clean this year, though, claiming he was feeling guilty about lying to his readers.

However, it’s believed he was forced to admit to his scam after accidentally publishing a screen shot from the NES classic “Tecmo Super Bowl” on his Twitter account over the weekend and trying to pass it off as action from OTAs.

“QB Eagles looks great this year! Really working hard on his touchdown celebrations,” Shorr-Parks wrote under the published photo.

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‘We can takes cues from 76ers on injured players,’ says Roseman after taking mallet to cornerback’s knee

102813-howie-roseman-600After vigorously bashing recently selected cornerback Sidney Jones’s knee into a pulp with a croquet mallet, Howie Roseman held a press conference and assured the media that the Eagles were taking a cue from the 76ers medical staff on how to handle their injured prospects.

Jones, a highly regarded and talented cornerback, was selected by the Eagles in the 2nd round despite suffering a ruptured Achilles tendon at his pro-day workout.

“We can take a cue from the team across the street, and how they deal with injured players,” Roseman said, calmly washing the thick blood from his hands.

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Philadelphia cheapskates rejoice as Fred Barnett jerseys miraculously given second life

NFL: 2017 NFL DraftThousands of penny pinching cheapskates throughout Philadelphia rejoiced Thursday night after the Eagles announced Derek Barnett as their 14th pick in the 2017 NFL Draft.

The realization that several rolls of duct tape, a black magic marker and a steady hand could alter the Fred Barnett number 86 jersey into a Derek Barnett number 9 jersey pleased the city’s misers to no end.

“It’s a draft day miracle. My Fred Barnett jersey has risen again and will have a new life,” Angelo Maranaro of South Philadelphia said, celebrating the pick in a Chinese made Fletcher Cox knock-off jersey he purchased for $10 off ebay.

Maranaro then high-fived a friend clothed in a number 81 jersey that had the name of Terrell Owens crossed off in magic marker and replaced with Jason Avant.

The elation felt by the Philadelphia congregation of skinflints Thursday evening could only be potentially rivaled by the Eagles signing backup quarterback Colt McCoy and the athlete selecting to play in the number 25.

 

BREAKING: Maureen Crowley William rushes NFL draft stage, costs Eagles 1st Round Pick

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MCW file photo (Credit: crossingbroad.com)

Just moments after the 2017 NFL draft went live on the air, ex-97.5 the Fanatic morning show producer Maureen Crowley Williams rushed NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, appearing live on-camera wearing a “Down with the Fanatic” t-shirt.

The ex-producer, better known as MCW, had not been heard or seen by the media since being let go by the sports talk radio station earlier this April.

As boos rained down from the crowd, the embattled ex-producer briefly grabbed onto Goodell before showing off her shirt, flashing the shocker sign to the camera, and being gang tackled by NFL security.

The frazzled Goodell took several moments to compose himself before making a crucial draft night announcement.

“The city of Philadelphia should be disgusted by this miscreant on stage tonight. For this embarrassment, I hereby decree the Eagles forfeit their first round pick. May god have mercy on your soul,” he said to the restrained MCW.

At press time, MCW had been tarred, feathered, and run out of town.

 

 

Embarrassed Rob Ellis ejaculates before he can predict week 5 of Eagles 2017-2018 schedule

rob-ellisMoments after predicting an Eagles victory of the San Diego in week four to improve their record to 4-0 on the year, 97.5 Fanatic Midday show host Rob Ellis stiffened his hips and then groaned erotically on-air before he could begin delving into the week 5 match-up against the Arizona Cardinals.

For several minutes after, listeners were treated to Ellis’s deep, contended breathing and nothing more.

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The Eagles have zero Super Bowls, but let’s all freak out about Kelly Green jerseys

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Randall Cunningham is rolling over in his grave with all this nonsense about the Eagles jerseys.

No city in America is more obsessed with a uniform color scheme than the mouth-breathing Eagles fans who are preoccupied beyond measure for their beloved Kelly Green. Only this city could be head over heels for a fictional boxer and a color that hasn’t been used for decades.

This is where you should certainly draw a line in the sand, Jeffrey Lurie, the stupid color for the jerseys. Fight to bring them back as alternate uniforms, that’s ideally what you and the organization should be focusing on. The Eagles are .500 since the 2010 and haven’t won a playoff game since 2008…..BUT THEY’RE BRINGING BACK THE KELLY GREENS!

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