…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THEY PICK!
Suck my dick, rest of the NFL. Suck it long and suck it hard, because this may be the last time in my lifetime the Eagles select 32nd overall in the NFL draft so I am going to get my insults in and I’m going to get them in as often as I can. I hope it’s not the last time, but just in case I’m going to gloat as much as I can leading up to the draft tonight.
Eagles select a punter in the first round? Fuck it, Doug Pederson will figure out a way to involve him in the offense that will leave the rest of the league scratching its head, wondering how they didn’t think of it first. It will still be a better pick than whatever the Giants do to bungle their pick at #2.
Oh, they’re going to take Saquon Barkley? Oooooooooo I’m shaking…..that would be a perfect pick for a franchise that didn’t have a swiss-cheese offensive line and an over-the-hill dunderhead at quarterback who was BENCHED FOR GENO SMITH LAST SEASON. Yeah, I’m sure Eli Manning will have a great preseason throwing to Odell Beckham Jr. until he half-asses the rest of the regular season because the Giants tried to trade him and he didn’t get a new contract.
Just put a captain’s hat on Odell Beckham Jr., because his mind will be out to sea for the entire year and on the “implications” for the women he drags out into the briny deep.
I’m sure Kohl’s store mannequin Pat Shurmur will have some great new innovations for the stodgy franchise that will quickly be forgotten after the Giants start the season 1-3.
Do I even need to talk shit on the Redskins? They ditched Kirk Cousins this off-season to bring in an older, nearly as expensive, weaker armed version of Kirk Cousins and they somehow believe this will get them over the hump. YEAH, THAT WILL DO IT. I think you guys may be more than just a few tweaks away from relevance.
Can’t wait until they draft a QB in the first round tonight and human-thumb Dan Synder declares him “the next Kirk Cousins” and then doubles down on his bad decision making by showing the media his newest Redskin back tattoo that is nothing more than a caricature of the racially insensitive Indian chief from Disney’s animated “Peter Pan.”
OH MY GOD and the Cowboys. Oh those Dallas Cowboys. How many stress strokes has Jerry Jones had leading up to this draft, knowing that the Eagles are going to be introduced as the “Super Bowl Champions” tonight? 12? A baker’s dozen? Even the hookers he frequents are starting to feel sorry for him and are REALLY pulling for the Cowboys to make a run this year.
Sorry Jerry, but you hitched your cart to a lame horse and his name is Dak Prescott. Hmmmm let’s see here….has he regressed since he came into the league? Check. Have his wide receivers gotten considerably less talented going into this season? Check plus. Is there a better, studlier quarterback in his division that will drive him close to insanity when he realizes he will never live up to his accomplishments or talent level no matter how hard he works at his game? MY LORD CHECK PLUS PLUS.
Oh, and hey NFL, thanks for deciding to move the draft out of historic Philadelphia and its grand Art Museum backdrop to Dallas so fans get a chance to see its historic chain link fence before they die.
WOW, LOOKS GREAT. You can barely see the conjugal visit trailers behind the fence for the Dallas Cowboys alumni on hand for the draft this weekend.
Never forget. The Eagles are Super Bowl champions, it doesn’t matter who we pick, and the rest of the NFC East is hot garbage juice compared to this team.
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, YOU’RE COOL…
Still jacked up after reading that? Go buy this kickass 76ers long sleeve Phila Unite playoff shirt. You can buy it in the link below the shirt.
Or go buy this sweatshirt, because I have a HEALTHY addiction to horse opiates I need to keep satiated.