Who will ring the bell at tonight’s 76ers game?

I can’t offer you anything else right now other than a cursory guess at what figure the 76ers will trot out to center court before tonight’s hopefully closeout game 5 against the Heat. What else could I possibly tell you about the game that you haven’t read 8,000 times already on other sites?

The 76ers really need to cut down on those turnovers and not let the Heat get under their skin if they want to win this game. There, that’s all you have to know about this game and you’ll get nothing better from the “experts” elsewhere. You think Reggie Miller can give you that kind of insight?

So let’s take a moment to pontificate on what’s really important….who is going to take the mallet and awkwardly ring the bell before tonight’s game?

Game 1 was Embiid and he knocked it out of the park. Game 2 was Kevin Hart and it must have been embarrassing for him when they had to bring out a booster step for him to reach the bell. Sadly, the little guy didn’t tucker himself out and antagonized Dwayne Wade into pulling out a throwback performance and dominating the 76ers all night long.

Ban Hart from the building. We don’t need that.

So, here are our guesses and odds for who will ring in the game tonight.

Will Smith (2:1) – Parents just don’t understand his desire to ring the bell. Smith has been noticeably absent during the 76ers postseason run, so it may be the perfect time to dust off this old Philadelphia chestnut and trot him out to the tunes of “Nightmare on My Street” to get the crowd jacked up. Plus, doesn’t he still own part of the team? Or did he immediately sell off his portion when the 76ers wasted a draft pick on Evan Turner? This is our pick as the most likely scenario for tonight.

Plus, if they play this fan favorite clip from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air when he comes out it will really get the arena rocking!

BONUS: His wackadoo kids may be there as well. Please god, let this become a reality. I need Jaden Smith Instagram stories complaining about the Thetan levels at Wells Fargo Center.

Jason Kelce (3:1) – They already went the athlete route, but it’s never a bad idea to piggyback on the Eagles right now and the Super Bowl victory. Do you guys remember when that happened? Too cool. Kelce has been everywhere in Philadelphia lately, so he may be played out at the moment, but it would still be a hell of a moment to have him trot out to center court and scream obscenities about nobody believing in The Process.

“AND SOME CLOWN NAMED COLIN COWHERD DIDN’T THINK THIS TEAM WAS A 40 WIN SQUAD.”

I may need to change into a new pair of jeans if he comes out tonight. Embarrassing. I swear this never happens, seriously.

M. Night Shyamalan (5:1) – He’s been at every high profile 76ers game this year, courtside, usually with a nice piece of eye candy on his arm. He’s a high profile Philadelphia celebrity who has fought and clawed his way back into the good graces of Hollywood, much like certain other underdogs in this city who nobody thought would amount to anything.

BONUS: Shyamalan rings the bell and the lights turn out completely in the arena. When they come back on Shyamalan is gone and in his place is a copy of HIS OBITUARY, DATED APRIL 24, 2001. HE’S BEEN DEAD THIS ENTIRE TIME.

Jon Ritchie (10:1) – Heard rumor that the 76ers were planning on pumping drinks into Ritchie for hours leading up to the game and then letting him drive his car directly into the bell. Would be charged with a DUI, but welcomed back to 94 WIP with open arms the next week with nary a slap on the wrist.

Michael Bennett (20:1) – Plans have been discussed for Bennett to rush his way onto the court and repeatedly push an elderly, paraplegic security guard into the bell. May be saving this for the Eastern Conference Finals instead.

Rob Ellis (50:1) – Zzzzzzzzzzzzz huh wha?! I’m up, I’m up, I’m sorry. Rob Ellis may be brought out to ring the bell for tonight’s game and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *snork* zzzzzzz….

Trey Anastasio (100:1) – Lead singer of the world famous jam band Phish and Philadelphia sports fan extraordinaire. Would likely ring the bell for 35 minutes after getting into a real serious groove, boring everyone.

Chris Wheeler (200:1) – Hey gang, Chris Wheeler here on a BEAUTIFUL day for basketball at Wells Fargo Center. Lets back leg a few out of the ballpark, look middle in for a good one, and put up some crooked numbers.

::Swings mallets once and it goes flying into the front row of fans::

WOAH, look out down there…hope everyone’s ok.

Ben Davis (300:1) – “Way to go Ben!” I never thought anything could make baseball more boring than it already is, but was proven incorrect after the Phillies decided to bring Davis into the booth a few years ago.

Evan Turner (1000:1) – The 76ers offer him $70 million to ring the bell and he promptly misses it on every try.

Sam Hinkie (1,000,000:1) – Not happening.

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