Nerlons Noel’s hi-top fade 76ers update

We check in with the best player on the 76ers this year, Nerlens Noel’s haircut.

I fucking hate Evan Turner

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with 76ers sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Current record: 6-39

I know its been a while since I took the time to talk to everyone, but losing takes a lot out of you. It really does, but when you lose to a piece of garbage like Evan Turner you need to get a few things off your chest.

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We’re going to the draft lottery, bitches

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

76ers current record: 0-0.

Fuck and yes, people, my boy Stinkie Hinkie notified us today and told us that we are going to be representing the squad at Tuesday night’s draft lottery. Nerlens will be there, of course, and I’ll be high, hi-topped and faded, and we’ll be watching those ping pong balls bounce to see where we land for the 2015 draft.

It’s going to be fabulous. The 76ers will be picking up the tab for our night out in Brooklyn. We’re going to take that hipster town over and see where we fall for the draft.

Either way, I hope we get to pick somewhere so we can draft my boy D’Angelo Russell from Ohio State. We hung out with my boy last week and he actually seemed PUMPED to come to Philadelphia. He kept talking about how he couldn’t “wait to see the Empire State Building” and “visit the Shivering Sea” and “walk over the Golden Gate Bridge” all in one day. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was talking about New York City, a fictional body of water in “Game of Thrones,” and San Francisco…literally none of those things are in Philadelphia.

That Ohio State education might not be working out for him.

Either way, we are going to get FUCKED up Tuesday night. I’m a little worried, though, that Furkan is going to tag along. Nobody will tell him he can’t come…if he shows up he’s going to get into the car and there’s no way he won’t ruin the entire broadcast.

He could provide some extra muscle, maybe intimidate Silver to give us a few extra ping pong balls. Fuck it, I’m calling him, Furkan and me are going to take this city by storm.

Go Sixers, baby!

Fuck ya’ll, all ya’ll

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (18-58). Who is even on this team anymore?

To all you pieces of garbage that wanted us traded? FUCK YOU. LOOK AT US NOW, MOTHER FUCKERS.

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OH my sweet jesus, we’ve won a few games

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (11-33). A returning Big Shot brandished a switchblade at Henry Sims last week for no good reason.

We’ve actually won a few games, 3-2 in our last five, including a win over the Minnesota Timberwolves and the returning Thaddeus Young. He didn’t seem to enjoy the last season and didn’t speak to anyone on the roster for the final month’s worth of games. He had a thousand yard stare and visibly recoiled whenever anyone touched him…he seems much happier now, but I definitely saw his soul leave his body when someone in the crowd called him a “no good piece of shit.”

It was all fun and games until we had to go to Cleveland and Lebron James actually decided to play against us. He demolished everyone on our team. He wasn’t even trying. At one point in the game he was taking all of his shots left handed, and I’m pretty sure he tried to punt in a three-point attempt towards the end of the third quarter.

He was lighthearted throughout the entire game until the last five minutes…and then Furkan Aldemir entered the game. My god, he would not stop calling Lebron’s mother a “filthy, flea ridden whore.” He’s really gotten into American trash talking. I mean, he was going into disgusting details about everything Delonte West reportedly did to his mother. It was really personal, horrible stuff, and during the last 10 seconds tears were streaming down Lebron’s face. It was heart wrenching stuff, we were all telling Furkan to stop, but that crazy European son of a bitch just wouldn’t give up.

You don’t even want to know what he said to Kyle Korver’s younger sister the next night. He is one brutal mother fucker.

We play the Boston Celtics on Friday. There’s a $5,000 pot on who can elbow Evan Turner in the esophagus first.

Joel Embiid has an eating disorder

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (8-33). Brett Brown looks like he wants to punch Sam Hinkie in his face every time he sees him.

You vultures. Do you know what you’re putting Joel Embiid through? Ever since the report came out calling him a lazy, fat bum, Embiid has developed a pretty nasty eating habit. He’s been “cleansing” (drinking only chickory, lemon water, and Siracha) for the past week trying to lose weight and it’s really fucking with his head. We all found him passed out on the locker room floor after we were blown out by Detroit, speaking in ancient tongues that only Furkan Aldemir seemed to understand. He ran to his locker and came back clutching a sprig of wolfsbane, which he slapped across Embiid’s face until he came too.

After practice today, Nerlens came in and saw him hunched over a small plasma television, watching something intently. Nerlens asked him what he was doing and Embiid said he was “watching tape.” We went over to him and saw the television wasn’t even plugged in.

I hope he pulls it together.

We play the Knicks tonight. What a great showcase of NBA basketball this will be.

We suck again

HI top fade

Every so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

Philadelphia 76ers (7-30). Morale is low. Henry Syms has dysentery and KJ McDaniels was bitten by a rattlesnake.

We had won two out of our last three until Kyle Korver came to town and ripped our collective hearts out. How many three point shots can our terrible guards leave him wide open for before they catch on and realize he can actually shoot. He’s a slow, white guard, what else could that mother fucker do?! He’s not out there to explode into the lane, he shoots underhand free throws for fucks sake. Not even Furkan Aldemir’s gypsy hexes off the end of the bench couldn’t slow him down, but at one point in the game Jeff Teague did start coughing up black viscera and bleeding from his eyes, so perhaps he was just a bit off.

Furkan continues to be a mystery. Nobody knows where he goes after the games. Tony said he saw him running into the bowels of the Wells Fargo Center after a shoot around and tried to follow him, but it was like he melted away into a steam filled corridor. He showed up in time for the game covered in millipedes and wouldn’t go into the game until he “speak with Big Shot in person and discuss what it means to be a man.” Nobody had the heart to tell him Big Shot hasn’t been the mascot for over 20 years.

Nerlens was so upset after the game he soaked me in the finest mineral oils and epsom salts for what seemed like hours.

Next up, we take on the Toronto Raptors in Canada. JaKarr Sampson will not be making the trip with us, as he can’t legally cross the Canada border due to a horrific poutine incident 5 years ago that has still left him a wanted man in Montreal.

 

What a start to the New Year

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his racist world views. On to today’s edition:

Holy shit we’re undefeated. Undefeated at home in 2015. After months of fielding squads that couldn’t beat intramural high school teams we finally beat an NBA level team for our fifth win of the year. Yes, I know the Cavs didn’t have Lebron or Kyrie Irving on the floor, but jesus christ did I need this. It was good to finally crush something other than the dozen and dozens of homeless prostitutes we enjoy on a weekly basis.

New to the team this past month is Furkan Aldemir, a Turkish national basketball star. He showed up one afternoon, didn’t say a word to anyone in the locker room, and immediately began to prepare and cook several lamb kebabs in a crudely built barbecue pit he slapped together on the floor. They were delicious. He’s taken to checking himself into games without Coach Brown’s permission and launches at least two half court shots a quarter, laughing maniacally and spitting at unwed women in the first several rows of the Wells Fargo Center. Nobody has any idea what he’s doing. He screamed at Tony Wroten the other day in garbled English and viciously slapped him across the face, bringing Tony to tears. Despite his quirks, he’s probably the best and scariest player on this team.