NBA Draft Lottery

Bryan Colangelo able to get out of serving in NBA draft lottery after his father pulls a few strings

20160505_colangelo_article2Despite being eligible for attendance, Bryan Colangelo is shirking his GM duties after father Jerry Colangelo greased a few palms in the league front office to keep his son out of the NBA Draft Lottery.

Instead of being in attendance at the draft Tuesday night, Colangelo will serve in the NBA ticket sales office for two weekends a month for the next year.

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Bryan Colangelo trades #1 pick for sack of magic beans

colangelo_headshotPhiladelphia, PA – Bryan Colangelo, GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was sent to bed without his supper Tuesday evening after the local dunce traded away the rights of the number one pick in the 2016 NBA draft for a sack of magic beans.

Jerry Colangelo, Bryan’s father, expressly forbade him to trade the number one pick and had only sent him to market to purchase him a bottle of Centrum Silver.

Instead, Bryan excitedly returned home with a sack of red beans that he had swapped to the Los Angeles Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak.

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NBA officials reportedly concerned with Phantom of Sam Hinkie disrupting draft lottery

Hinkie PhantomNew York City, NY – Documents leaked to the media this morning have revealed that NBA officials are notably concerned that the Phantom of Sam Hinkie will attempt to disrupt the proceedings of the 2016 draft lottery, scheduled to be held tonight at approximately 8 p.m.

Hinkie, the disgraced former GM of the Philadelphia 76ers, was believed to have perished in a great fire in his home office the night his resignation letter to the franchise was published by numerous media outlets.

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Jerry Colangelo will not attend draft lottery if “it goes to all hours of the night”

635848397075677000-sports-1-jerry-colangelo-12Philadelphia, PA – Chairman of Basketball Operations for the Philadelphia 76ers Jerry Colangelo told reporters this morning he would not be in attendance at the upcoming draft lottery if it “went to all hours of the night.”

The lottery selection is slated for Tuesday, May 17 at 8:45 p.m. eastern time.

Colangelo expressed his displeasure that the lottery selection event would begin at “such an ungodly hour” and he has usually adorned his night robe and night cap by that time each night.

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Sam Hinkie trades third overall pick for draft rights to Joel Embiid, may be slipping into the darkness

sam3…2…1….

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sam

 Did it again. Hinkster out, bitches.

Philadelphia, PA – Mere moments after the conclusion of the draft lottery, 76ers GM Sam Hinkie announced the trade of the #3 pick last night to the Los Angeles Lakers for the exclusive draft rights to Joel Embiid. Hinkie either forgot the athlete was already under team control or has started a slow descent into madness.

“We love what we see out of Joel. Yes, he did sit out all last year, but we feel he would have been the number one overall pick in this year’s draft,” Hinkie said, winking at a number of reporters and obsessively clicking a fountain pen in his hand.

At this point, it is unknown if Hinkie has another plan up his sleeve or has started to slowly buckle under the pressure of a very dedicated fan base.

Several reports have come in to the Coggin, detailing some odd behavior coming from Hinkie after the lottery. He was observed having a very loud and energetic discussion with a potted plant in the hallway of the Barclays Center, in which he described the fern as being “lazy” and “a blight on society.”

Further reports have come in this morning, claiming Hinkie hopped into a cab outside of the arena and demanded the flustered cabbie drive him to the Ottoman Empire, so he could make his fortune in the trade of exotic spices and silks.

The Coggin Toboggan contacted a media representative of the 76ers, who released the follow comment:

“Sam has been under a tremendous amount of stress lately and he has been taken away for a very long, and much needed rest. He will receive the best of care. We appreciate no further inquiries into his mental state as of this moment.”

As of press time, Hinkie was seen running down Broad Street in a strait jacket, being chased by several men with large butterfly nets.

Sam Hinkie concocts Ocean’s Eleven-esque caper to win NBA draft lottery

Hinkie glasses

(For best effect, please listen to the song at the end of the article.)

Philadelphia, PA – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie, along with 10 other Philadelphia basketball legends, left for Brooklyn this morning in five non-descript black SUVs, having spent the past several weeks concocting a plan to assure the 76ers win the NBA draft lottery this evening.

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We’re going to the draft lottery, bitches

HI top fadeEvery so often, the CT will check in with rookie sensation Nerlens Noel and his signature hi-top fade haircut to get his take on the 76ers season so far. We at CT take no responsibility for the opinions of the hi-top or his world views. On to today’s edition:

76ers current record: 0-0.

Fuck and yes, people, my boy Stinkie Hinkie notified us today and told us that we are going to be representing the squad at Tuesday night’s draft lottery. Nerlens will be there, of course, and I’ll be high, hi-topped and faded, and we’ll be watching those ping pong balls bounce to see where we land for the 2015 draft.

It’s going to be fabulous. The 76ers will be picking up the tab for our night out in Brooklyn. We’re going to take that hipster town over and see where we fall for the draft.

Either way, I hope we get to pick somewhere so we can draft my boy D’Angelo Russell from Ohio State. We hung out with my boy last week and he actually seemed PUMPED to come to Philadelphia. He kept talking about how he couldn’t “wait to see the Empire State Building” and “visit the Shivering Sea” and “walk over the Golden Gate Bridge” all in one day. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was talking about New York City, a fictional body of water in “Game of Thrones,” and San Francisco…literally none of those things are in Philadelphia.

That Ohio State education might not be working out for him.

Either way, we are going to get FUCKED up Tuesday night. I’m a little worried, though, that Furkan is going to tag along. Nobody will tell him he can’t come…if he shows up he’s going to get into the car and there’s no way he won’t ruin the entire broadcast.

He could provide some extra muscle, maybe intimidate Silver to give us a few extra ping pong balls. Fuck it, I’m calling him, Furkan and me are going to take this city by storm.

Go Sixers, baby!