(For best effect, please listen to the song at the end of the article.)
Philadelphia, PA – 76ers GM Sam Hinkie, along with 10 other Philadelphia basketball legends, left for Brooklyn this morning in five non-descript black SUVs, having spent the past several weeks concocting a plan to assure the 76ers win the NBA draft lottery this evening.
“It’s now or never gentlemen. If you don’t have the stomach for this, if you want out, now’s your chance. Don’t get in the car, take your complimentary tote bag, no hard feelings whatsoever,” Hinkie said, smoking a foot-long cigar in front of his assembled crew.
“Great, now lets get to work,” He said, seeing nobody leave from his office deep within the Wells Fargo Center. “All of you have been hand selected for a particular skill you bring to the table. It will be a considerable risk for you, with years of planning hinging on this one night…so lets go over this one last time.”
Bringing down the office lights, Hinkie clicked a button on a remote control, which emitted a hologram model of the Barclays Center up from the floor.
“When we reach the Barclays Center, that’s where you come in Dikembe,” Hinkie said, pointing at Dikembe Mutombo. “The head of security is a huge fan…it will be your job to schmooze him and distract him long enough for the rest of our ‘party guests’ to enter the arena. Tell him the who wants to sex Mutombo anecdote, rubes love that story.”
He then nodded at Charles Barkley, giving him a slight wink.
“Charles, you will be next. Using the all-access security pass you stole from Ted Turner, it will be your job to get us into the lottery ping ball room,” Hinkie said. Barkley had previously drugged the owner of TNT, CNN, and TBS during his last trip to the Turner Ranch.
He continued, saying it would be the job of Allen Iverson, Maurice Cheeks, World B. Free and Malik Rose to deliver and install the rigged ping pong balls into the lottery machine without being seen by any NBA security. To ensure privacy, Hinkie said Julius “Dr. J.” Erving would fake a heart attack in the NBA alumni room to create a distraction.
Matt Geiger, Eric Snow and Aaron McKie would serve as bag men and jack-of-all-trades in case any last minute problems should arise, Hinkie said.
“You’ve all been chosen because you are the best of the best. I won’t lie to you, several of you may be arrested and have your lineages tarnished, but it’s for the good of the city.”
As of press time, Hinkie had yet to reveal to any of the crew members that he had already set up Matt Geiger to take the blame for the entire caper.