Everyone stay calm. I said to stay calm, deep breaths, try not to freak out. I SAID CALM DOWN GODDAMNIT, CALM THE FUCK DOWN RIGHT NOW ::hyperventilating:: EVERYONE JUST CHILL OUT. JUST CALM DOWN AND RELAX.
We’ve been preparing for this moment. Most of you called me MAD for my warnings, but who is the insane one now? Everything we’ve drilled for, everything we’ve prepared for, I’m sure you’re glad we did now, aren’t you?
What a morning! The sun is shining (it isn’t), the birds are chirping (they’re not, they’re all frozen) and Mike Lombardi, the purveyor of the least correct comment/take about Philadelphia sports in the history of sports talk, is oiling up his disgusting old-man foot in preparation to firmly lodge it in his mouth yet again.
We have truly been blessed, Philadelphia.
Last night, while likely taking a moment out of his nightly routine of applying generous dollops of lanolin oil over every inch of his wrinkled, musty body, Lombardi must have tuned into the 76ers victory over the Charlotte Hornets and run afoul of a sight he just couldn’t abide.
Why……there was Markelle Fultz, the still “injured” 76ers point guard, DARING to show his face on the television broadcast, wasting valuable moments he could have been in the trainers room balancing his scapular muscle or studying film! He needed to share his displeasure, to alert the masses of god fearing sports fans of this GHASTLY affront to everything good and pure about basketball.
Let’s be honest, nobody is going to care about anything we write on this blog today or tomorrow, because March Madness is king and we all can’t wait to watch as our brackets are busted in less than 24 hours.
So, in lieu of anything mindful, challenging, or fruitful, let’s just think of various things that Pittsburgh Penguin Phil Kessel (somehow one of the greatest American hockey players to ever lace up his skates) looks like, shall we?
Hello America, it’s your old pal Juice coming at you for the first time in months. Juice has a standing offer with the Coggin Toboggan for a guest column, but I apologize for not being around much lately.
But imagine my chagrin last night when I stepped off the golf cours…err….I mean when Juice took time out of his busy schedule of trying to find the real killers of Nicole and Ron Goldman and saw this old mug looking back at him from the television set!
Well let me tell you, old Juice had completely forgotten Fox was going to air the 2006 interview I gave when I was doing the press rounds for my book, “If I did it,” which was never published due to some “creative” difference between myself, my publisher, and that nosy Goldman family. They’re always trying to steam up old OJ, it makes me so mad I could spit, or stab two seemingly innocent people to death in the primes of their lives.
Does this check out? Did this guy named Desi Relaford actually play for the Phillies? He’s ranting and raving about how awful fans treated him during his “playing days” for the Phillies on some podcast, but god damn that name is not ringing a bell.
Does anyone remember this guy? Sure, those were some lean years for the Phillies, but the name Desi Relaford isn’t bringing anything to mind. He has to be lying, nobody could ever be THAT forgettable, or have been THAT worthless of a player to completely have dissipated from the ether of all Philadelphia sports fan conscious, right?
Let’s get to the bottom of this mystery.
Hold on a second, according to Baseball-Reference.com he played FIVE SEASONS for the Phillies? From 1996 to 2000? That cannot be right….five years for this team, nearly 1,200 plate appearances, 320 games, and he was the starting shortstop for two years?! WHAT?! Was he any good?
Phillies totals (5 seasons)
- .234 batting average
- 9 home runs
- 104 RBIs
- 22 stolen bases
- .315 OBP
- .328 slugging
- .643 OPS
- A -0.5 WAR OVER HIS 11 SEASON CAREER?! Why, it’s as if he never even existed in Major League Baseball!
Ok, so he decidedly was NOT a good ballplayer, but there’s no way he said anything TOO awful about the city? Right? RIGHT?!
Let’s check out his comments on the Jake Brown Show after the jump.
This may be the greatest scam Pete Rose has ever pulled (and that’s including gambling on baseball).
As good old Darren Rovell reported on twitter several minutes ago, Pete Rose is hungry and he just wants somebody to buy him a god damned quesadilla:
“There’s a sucker born every minute, and they’ll all call my radio show if I say something controversial about Carson Wentz and the Eagles.”
I know, I know. I’ve seen Angelo Cataldi’s tweet about Carson Wentz and Nick Foles this morning too. It’s crazy right? Doesn’t it make you furious that someone could be trumpeting this OUTRAGEOUS line of thinking just a mere month after the Eagles finally won a Super Bowl?! It’s infuriating, and I bet you can’t WAIT to give him a piece of your mind.
But, before you fire up the twitter accounts and lob some well-deserved insults Cataldi’s way, I’d like you to first take a breath, step away from your keyboard, and give this question some deep, deep thought.
Do you really think he believes this nonsense?
Of course he doesn’t.
Angelo Cataldi is the jowly, tepid Philadelphia sports talk radio version of P.T. Barnum, and he knows how to play this city and its fans like a fiddle to line his own coffers.