CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (Headline continued in story)

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You were the best, Chooch.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH. Ahh that felt great. One last Chooooch before the beloved Phillies catcher and second to last vestige from the 2008 Phillies World Series team arrives in sunny Los Angeles to reunite with Chase Utley.

Unlike all those dogs that disappeared from my home when I was a kid, Chooch really is going to a better place with wide open spaces where he can dance and prance for the rest of his days.

One last postseason run for the man who hit the shortest World Series game winning hit I’ve ever seen.

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Howard Eskin: Well well well, look who came crawling back

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Special guest columnist Howard Eskin.

By Howard “The King” Eskin – Well well well. Look who it is. If it isn’t my old friends over at 94 WIP. Whatever could you be doing here, at the Eskin compound, on this fine Thursday morning?

What’s that you say? You have a proposition that you’d like to run by me? Well hold on just a second, because as I recall almost five years ago you pushed me out of my afternoon drive show to make room for some nobody.

I had to watch as that fat stunad Anthony Gargano first unraveled the hard work I put into that 3 to 7 p.m. time slot, watching him slobber all over that microphone. It was enough to turn my stomach.

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BREAKING: Hostage negotiator brought in, ends standoff with Josh Innes

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Fired. So fired.

Philadelphia, PA – After a nearly two-hour standoff with recently fired Josh Innes, who had barricaded himself in the 94 WIP prize closet, a Philadelphia Police Department hostage negotiator brought an end to the terror at Tastykake Studios.

Innes was quietly allowed to walk out of the building with three Brian Haddad Show t-shirt, a case of butterscotch krimpets, and a pack of half-eaten Dorritos he found in the prize closet.

“He originally demanded a gassed up helicopter take him to Philadelphia International Airport, where a private jet be waiting to take him to Acapulco, but when that was rejected he settled for a $15 gift certificate to Jim’s Steaks,” a station employee reported.

At press time, Innes was sitting outside in the parking lot in his Nissan Altima, staring at his cell phone and contemplating if he should call 97.5 The Fanatic.

BREAKING: Josh Innes stealing as much as he can carry from 94 WIP prize closet

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Josh Innes during a happier time in his life.

Philadelphia, PA – Sources confirmed this afternoon that after 94 WIP afternoon drive host Josh Innes was told he would be fired from the station, Innes immediately bolted to the station’s prize closet and locked himself inside.

Innes is currently still in the closet as of 1:59 p.m, sources have confirmed, ransacking and pillaging the prizes given out to listeners of the station.

Despite pleas from station manager Spike Eskin that he wouldn’t be let out of the building, the portly Innes had reportedly stuffed seven XXL sized Angelo Cataldi and the Morning Crew shirts down his pants, four leftover Lesean McCoy jerseys from 2014, and several Phanatic bobble heads.

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Tim Tebow’s new agent ‘100% guarantees’ he signs a major league deal after showcase

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Tim Tebow is crediting his newfound success to a change in management.

Los Angeles, Calif. – The new agent for ex-NFL quarterback Tim Tebow made a bold proclamation this morning, guaranteeing the athlete would be signing a major league deal with one of the 20 teams, scheduled to attend his showcase.

B.L. ZeBub, head representative of the Inferno Talent Agency, guaranteed his newest client would greatly impress at the Aug. 30 showcase and be signing with one of the 20 teams in attendance, including the Phillies, before the season is completed.

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Philly sports talk radio rocked as “97.5 FM Host Mike Missanelli” revealed as fake

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Scandal! Popular radio host Mike Missanelli revealed as a hoax.

Philadelphia, PA – The jig is up.

In a scandal that may rock the popular sports talk radio station to its core, 97.5 FM producers Jason Myrtetus and Pat Egan have revealed that infamous 97.5 FM mid-day host “Mike Missanelli,” a stereotypical Italian dunderhead who appeals to the lowest common denominator, is in actuality a fake character cooked up by Egan.

Egan said he created the character in the early 2000s when “he” first appeared on then 610 WIP. Thought of as a one-shot character designed to infuriate listeners and garner hatred throughout the city, Egan was surprised when 610 hired him to reprise the character on a daily basis as a host.

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Painstaking thawing process of Merrill Reese has begun for regular season

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The absolute best.

Philadelphia, PA – With just 20 days until the Eagles first regular season game of 2016, the organization has begun the painstaking process of thawing the cryogenically frozen play-by-play announcer Merrill Reese.

The 73-year-old announcer has been cryogenically frozen at the end of each season since 2012, when the franchise determined he was experiencing too much wear and tear during the offseason and needed to be preserved for 16 weeks (or more, depending on the playoffs) of the NFL season.

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