Oh My God This Eagles Team

It’s going to be one of THOSE years I see. Cringing every single time Carson Wentz drops back just waiting for him to either airmail a pass 15-feet over a receiver head, spike a ball at their feet or throw yet another momentum killing interception.

Throwing your hands to the heavens and closing your eyes at yet ANOTHER head scratching call from Doug Pederson. Watching as yet another high Howie draft pick fails to make any kind of impact on the field whatsoever.

(more…)

Good Night 76ers by Coggin

In the great Grand Floridian

There was a Coach

Thinking in his room

Warding off thoughts

Off losses and doom

And there were two horrible contracts

And two worthless players

Who made no shots despite all our prayers

And a fanbase who loved to grouse

And no championship trophies to be had in our house

And a superstar center with a brain full of mush

And a coach way out of his league whispering “hush”

Goodnight 76ers

Goodnight playoffs

Goodnight Gargano eating his meals in a trough

Goodnight hope

Goodnight to our GM the dope

Goodnight Sixers

We need more mixers

For the spirits we need

Drank down our gullets with greed

And goodnight Brand

On a one way flight to Kazakhstan

And goodnight Shake

A wide open three you could not make

Goodnight Ben and your cries of glee

And goodnight to his subluxated knee

Goodnight window

Goodnight efforts to not be a lush

Goodnight nobody

Goodnight Embiid’s brain made of mush

And goodnight to the coach whispering “hush”

Goodnight hopes

Goodnight air

Goodnight championship dreams everywhere

Rob Manfred Declares Not Hitting World Series Cheaters Worse Than Domestic Violence

Rob Manfred is like a horse trying to play the piano. He hits all the wrong notes.

With his recent 8-game suspension of Dodgers pitcher Joe Kelly for not hitting any member of the World Series cheating Houston Astros and making goofy faces towards their dugout Manfred has essentially declared that worse than domestic violence.

Let’s examine this not so incredulous claim after the jump.

(more…)

An Exclusive Look At An In-Progress NFL Social Media Zoom Course

Using sophisticated hacking technology, the Coggin is able to give you an exclusive look at today’s in-progress NFL social media class for its athletes. Due to several social media faux pas, the NFL mandated the course be taken  by several of its most recent

Let’s take a look at the ongoing meeting transcript, shall we?

(more…)

76ers fans were dunking on Shawn Bradley before he even reached the NBA

Yesterday marked the horrifying 27 year anniversary of the 76ers deciding to draft a gawky 7-foot, 7-inch, unathletic version of Frankenstein’s monster over the sublimely talented Penny Hardaway in the 1993 NBA Draft, dooming the franchise to mediocrity until its resurrection by Allen Iverson.

Bradley made a living hanging out at the three-line and meekly patrolling the paint for some of the sorriest Sixers squads I’ve ever seen, while Hardaway and a young Shaquille O’Neal led the Orlando Magic to an NBA championship appearance and several successful postseason runs.

Bring up Bradley to any Sixers fan, even if they weren’t alive during the mid-90s, and they’ll instinctively wretch as memories of the least intimidating ever version of the Slender Man permeate their subconscious.

Half a season into his rookie year and Philadelphia fans knew the organization had drafted a complete dud.

This intrepid Coggin reader, @Cmalet50 on Twitter, and his buddy knew Bradley was a slob months before he even stepped foot on an NBA floor. He shared an incredible story with the Uncle Coggin, which you can see read after the jump.

(more…)

Just Cancel Baseball Already

Enough is enough. At this point I think we’d all rather watch replays of “Little Big League” and “Major League” on the MLB network than get our hopes up for the off chance the player’s union and the owners decide to stop lobbing passive aggressive tweets at each other to, you know, actually play baseball.

70 games. 60 games. 50 games. 90 games and we play into December in front of rats with open bottles of Schnapps at Citizens Bank Park….who gives a shit. It doesn’t matter at this point.

(more…)

Op-Ed: “I’ve Always Hated Baseball” by MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred

Do people still even watch baseball in 2020? With so many other better, faster paced sports to watch, why is baseball even an option for this country? National pastime? More like the national passed-time, if you ask me.

Baseball has been passed over and left to rot on the side of the road. It’s a wonder there’s still a demand for the “bland old game.”

Frankly, I wish it would go away forever.

(more…)

The Curious Case of Mike Missanelli’s Creaky Coffee Lid

Ahh ha! The game is afoot, dear readers, and Detective Coggin suspects the most foulest of play.

It is my theory, my friends, that Mike Missanelli, the ill-tempered 97.5 the Fanatic midday show host, was the victim of a MOST DEVIOUS scheme yesterday afternoon that has sent shockwaves through the Philadelphia region…nay….THE WORLD.

(more…)

Baseball is eating itself to death and nobody really cares

Big news everyone! Billionaire baseball owners don’t want to pay their athletes previously agreed upon prorated salaries and want to cut salaries even further for the absolute privilege of playing an abbreviated season amidst a global pandemic!

And guess what?! Boy oh boy, I bet you can’t guess….but the players don’t want to take a pay cut and be paid based on revenues earned in the truncated season. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!

It’s billionaires arguing with millionaires about how many millions they’ll all be paid, while the rest of us have been sitting in our filthy hovels for the last three months wondering when we’ll ever be allowed into Target again without face masks.

Fuck baseball. Fuck the owners for being greedy pigs. Fuck everyone involved squabbling for money.

(more…)