Now that the letter “R” is out, whose jersey on the Phillies is worth buying?

The Phillies posted an interesting sign at their merchandise store, informing a rabid buyer’s market that the franchise had completely run out of the letter “R” for their adult home and road jerseys.

Ranger Suarez fans must be crushed.

After a record setting period of Bryce Harper jerseys sales, the Phillies are 100% out of the letter “R” for adult home and road jerseys. Juvenile “Rs” are still available, but your stupid kid probably wants a Zach Eflin jersey so it doesn’t matter.

I’m sure the Phillies will soon bring an enormous crate of “R’s” into the team’s warehouse and John Middleton will get out his needle and thread for those BRyce HaRpeR jerseys, but if you can’t wait until that moment and you absolutely, positively need a jersey today, who would be your best option?

The answer is nobody great.

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A psychic source from beyond the grave has confirmed Bryce Harper to the Phillies

Now look. I’m not a big psychic guy. It’s my opinion and my opinion alone that psychics are nonsense and they exist purely to bilk honest, weak-minded, and often times devastate people out of their money for a “service” that has been proven time and time again to be bullshit.

But in times of dire crisis, no stone must be left unturned and every source must be exhausted for answers. Maybe someone who dances with the devil under the pale moonlight can give us a hint to where Bryce Harper will spend the next decade of his career?

Because let’s face it. Nobody but Bryce Harper (and the Lord) knows where Bryce Harper is going to sign this offseason, but that doesn’t stop pundits and MEN WITH SOURCES to tweet out every rumor and every inkling of movement ad nauseam to desperate fans begging for scraps of information like a starving dog in a morgue.

It’s exhausting. Jon Heyman has confirmed Bryce to half the league by now and he’s working on the other half this afternoon while pleasuring himself to a picture of Harper combing his hair. Howard Eskin’s sources have confirmed Harper to the AAF. Angelo Cataldi is readying a Philly Voice article criticizing the Phillies for either signing Harper or for not being able to successfully land him.

It’s enough to make you crazy. So in a moment of weakness, I turned to an unlikely source for salvation.

And he did not disappoint.

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March 1 is Bryce Harper Day, For Better or For Worse

I’m calling it. Like Dr. Kevorkian told his nurse on their last case of the day, “Pull the plug and let’s get the hell out of here to beat the traffic.”

As the preeminent voice of the common Philadelphia sports fan I’m declaring March 1  as Bryce Harper Day. Punch and pie will be served, but the event is BYOC (bring your own cyanide).

I’ve had it. I’ve had it with the tweets, the speculation, the “hilarious” fake twitter accounts that claim to be in the “know” about Harper signing. The takes. The internet sleuths reading into Harper’s dumb tweets and every promotional photo of him like conspiracy theorist and the Zapruder film. Is he wearing a Phillies branded arm sleeve in that photo?! IS THAT A SHOOTER ON THE GRASSY KNOLL IN RIGHT FIELD?!

I’m sick of the will they-won’t they tension that gets annoying and stale in a sitcom after one season (I’m looking at you, “The Office”). Just fuck and get it over with.

March 1 is it. If Bryce Harper has not signed with Philadelphia by the new month please join me in declaring him dead to the city.

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Why was Allen Iverson wearing the David Puddy 8-Ball jacket at the Sixers game?

Great win yesterday by the Sixers. Just an absolute trouncing of the LeBron led Los Angeles Lakers, showcasing a new and improved roster that has yet to gel but it still throttling less talented teams with more scoring options than this franchise has ever seen.

And yet, all I want to talk about this morning is Allen Iverson wearing the EXACT REPLICA of David Puddy’s 8-ball jacket from Seinfeld.

It’s not even a matter of it looking “similar” … it is the exact same jacket David Puddy wore during the end credits of the Season 9, episode 12 classic “The Reverse Peephole” in the television series Seinfeld.

The exact same one. Look at it.

I have so many questions that need answers.

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Just when I thought I was out on the Flyers, they pull me back in

I admit it. My eyes have been wandering and I’ve found myself lingering for a few brief moments on Comcast, taking in a glimpse or two of the Flyers on this 8-game win streak.

I swore I wouldn’t. I swore I had cast off this franchise until changes were made, until they veered away from the status quo that has mired them in futility for DECADES, save a miraculous Stanley Cup run 9-years ago.

But I’m cracking…I cursed this franchise earlier in the season, last year, the year before, citing that they every season for the past 10 years they were always “two-years away” from relevance.

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The 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view  every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and far, FAR-LESS famous contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!

Of course, as its done the past three years in a row, The Coggin Toboggan hosts its own annual All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble, inviting 30 of the most ruthless and knuckle dragging competitors to bash each others brains in for minimal glory and absolutely no prize money.

Is it bloody? You bet. Are concussions a plenty? Oh my yes. Take a look at Howard Eskin and tell me he’s the same guy today after taking a rusty barb wire covered baseball bat to dome from an enraged John Chaney. Is it barbaric? Well, they don’t call Les Bowen pretty no-more after getting his face ripped apart by Marcus Hayes wielding a cheese grater.

Last year, a masked Mike Trout secretly entered and won the Rumble, much to the delight of the gin soaked crowd. Ben Simmons was betrayed by Jay Wright, Paul Jolovitz landed his first ever offensive move, and Tina Fey bit the jugular out of Bill Cosby in a moment that will haunt the poor souls who witnessed it until the day they die. Great times were had by all!

Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.

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Phillies reveal final plans and location for refurbished Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell

It’s no secret that we love the old Veterans Stadium Liberty Bell at the Coggin Toboggan. Hell, we tracked the bell down to a Food Distributor company that neighbored Citizens Bank Park, where it lay in wait for years until a proper plan could be devised for it.

The Phillies confirmed to us in an exclusive story that they were planning to refurbish the bell and display it to fans for the 2019 season.

We even stalked the bell from outer space, finding satellite pictures of the monolith rotting in CW Dunnet and Co’s backyard. We procured exclusive pictures of the Phillies reacquiring the bell last year, seeing it in all its rusted out and weathered glory.

And now, finally, we know what the Phillies plan to do with the relic that I, personally, DEVOTED 10 YEARS TO TRACKING DOWN.

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