Sorry everyone, but the Toboggan is currently down to be rejiggered as a biting, no nonsense political blog that will discuss the most pressing issues facing our country today.
Here’s a taste of what you’ll be getting from here on out. We submitted this to the New Yorker and our insiders are telling us the publication has not only accepted the cartoon, but is considering publishing it on the cover of an upcoming issue.
Wow, I know the hard-hitting point of this cartoon might be tough to handle for many of our normal fans, but you need to be aware of what is going on in this country.
Philadelphia, PA – After a slick sheen on the Wells Fargo Center court rendered the surface unplayable last night, the 76ers were forced to postpone their matchup against the Sacramento Kings until a later date.
John Page, president of the Wells Fargo Center complex, said excessive moisture on the court forced the cancellation of the game. When asked why the surface of the court was affected, Page pointed to an event held at the center earlier in the day.
“We have some ideas of what could have caused this, but all signs point squarely to Jerry Colangelo’s annual swingers party that he held at center court earlier in the day,” Page noted.
The Colangelo sponsored “bacchanal orgy” was a holdover from his previous GM contract with the organization, which allotted him space in the Wells Fargo Center once a year to live out his depraved perversions.
Apparently the Flyers PA announcer has been piping in glorious Ric Flair WOOOOOs during stoppages of play for the past two home games. The Flyers are 2-0 in those games. Coincidence? Obviously not.
There is nothing, I repeat, nothing that is not improved with a good Ric Flair woo. Think back to the time you lost your virginity (or just imagine it for those of us that have dedicated our lives to the Lord)…pretty embarrassing right? Probably not all that fun?
Well, just imagine letting out an impressive WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO instead of what you actually did (burst into tears) and it’s 100 times better, no?
He’s living a much happier life now.
Philadelphia, PA – After several repeated inquiries from teammates and coaches prior to tonight’s game against the Green Bay Packers, Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson is reportedly telling those who ask about Nelson Agholor that the young, troubled wide receiver has been sent to live on a farm in upstate Pennsylvania.
“We thought Nelson needed some room to run, to play, and to live free on a big lovely farm. Plenty of space for him to prance and live his life away from the prying eyes of the media and disappointed coaches,” Pederson said.
We at the Coggin Toboggan hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving. Just remember, as you’re enjoying your turkey and time with family, there are those of us that are spending their Thanksgivings alone, in an empty apartment with a bottle of half-empty Wild Turkey, weeping softly to ourselves as we watch that episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air where Carlton and Hillary volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving and make complete asses of themselves.
Please enjoy some of the articles we enjoyed writing this past year.
Elated Gerald Henderson thought MVP chants were for him.
Abbot and Costello make our Eagles picks for the week.
Disappointed Ryan Howard definitely expected a car.
Deadbeat dad really going all out with upper deck Phillies tickets.
Mike Missanelli hospitalized after watching Chase Utley receive two curtain calls.
What are you looking at? Gobble gobble.
Ahhhh Thanksgiving. A time for family, a time for good food and a time for visiting those weird relatives who still don’t have cable even though it’s 2016 and serve striped hard candy for dessert. You know the ones, their house smells like cat piss even though to the best of your knowledge they’ve never even owned a cat? Yeah, them. I know, they suck, but they’re lonely and nobody ever visits them, so get your ass over to their house and PLAY NICE.
Each year, the current president pardons two turkeys on the eve of Thanksgiving to keep the birds out of the slaughterhouse. Sure, it means absolutely nothing when hundreds of thousands of them are actually sent to the slaughterhouse each year, but it’s kitschy!
So it got us to thinking…why don’t we steal the idea and pardon someone we’ve given a hard time to over the past year? That’s a nice gesture, right? Sure it is, it’s a great look for us and will give us some much needed positive press after last year’s unfortunate holiday post, “It’s a Jerry Sandusky kind of Thanksgiving.”
Philadelphia, PA – After their fourth home-win in a row in the young season, the 76ers franchise is scrambling to re-stock the victory confetti it shoots out of giant cannons after every win at the Wells Fargo Center.
The organization only bought enough victory confetti to celebrate eight wins at home, an optimistic estimation by all standards prior to the beginning of the season.
“God damnit…mix in a win on the road, I do not want to have to call the supplier this early in the year, it’s going to blow our entire yearly budget,” said Thomas Kincade, 76ers Operation Manager.