The never ending saga of Terrell Owens

The year is 2035. A picture of the unopened box containing Terrell Owens’ NFL Hall of Fame gold jacket has just received its 500,000th retweet. Owens has exercised his 10-day clause with the Toronto Argonauts. Zombies now have Senate majority. 

Terrell Owens hasn’t played in the NFL since 2010. He’s been out of Philadelphia for 13 years. One of the top three wide receivers to ever play in the NFL was just elected to the Hall of Fame, and yet we’re all greeted with this news yesterday.

(How many idiots saw this news and called into the Fanatic or WIP yesterday and said the Eagles should give him a shot?)

Oh my GOD. Enough. Enough Terrell, you’re killing us. In the words of Jud Crandall from Pet Semetary, “Sometimes, dead is better.”

It’s time to stay buried, T.O. Go to your ceremony this week, get your jacket, don’t say a word at the podium, and live the rest of your life. Pretty please with popcorn on top.

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Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Philadelphia chapter

What day is it? Why, it’s Friday the 13th day, sir! And as we are want to do at the Coggin, we take a moment to reflect on this glorious day and ask ourselves the age old question: “Which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?”

Jason Voorhees is out there, sharpening up that machete, loading his spear gun, and getting ready to crush some skulls.

Like all horror movie franchises well into their fourth sequel, we’re just cashing in right now and fully expect this to be terrible. We’re just doing it for the money at this point and really sticking it to our hardcore fans.

Get caught up and see who survived the last three Friday the 13ths before dipping into this year’s slaughter.

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Forget about LeBron, one soon to be cut player can turn the tide of power in favor of the 76ers

Still thinking about the 76ers losing out on the LeBron sweepstakes? Still smarting from Josh Harris saying they “almost” had the greatest living player in the game in a 76ers uniform? Still worried that the 76ers are basically running back the exact same roster from 2017-2018 and are entirely putting too much pressure on Markelle Fultz to return to the form that made him the #1 overall pick?

Well let me put your tortured mind at ease with two words.

Milos. Teodosic.

Lord knows I don’t ask for much. Get this salty Serb into a 76ers uniform right now and you’re punching your ticket to AT LEAST the Eastern Conference Finals.

Who is Milos Teodosic, you ask?

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The Family Circus torments Philadelphia

Comic strips are supposed to have jokes. Four panels, a few recurring, main characters, a pithy observation on the banalities of Mondays, and boom. You read it, at BEST you get a smile on your face, and then you throw the comic section into the garbage and move on with your life.

For close to 200 years (estimated) Family Circus has been terrorizing readers with the quirks of the Keane family; parents Bil and Thelma, and children Billy, Dolly, Jeffy, and P.J. and a one-panel strip that is high on Christianity and low on jokes.

A typical Family Circus involves a soft pun, a bible passage, and a shot of their long deceased grandfather looking lovingly down at the family from heaven. Strip after strip, pun after pun, dead grandparent after dead grandparent, it goes on, and on, and on, and on.

Does that sound entertaining? Something you’d enjoy reading every single morning since the strip’s debut on Feb. 29, 1960? If it does, than buckle up motherfuckers because I have big news.

Family Circus brought it’s HILARIOUS off-kilter brand of comedy to the City of Brotherly love for a week of vacation strips as the Keane family visited Philadelphia.

Strap in as we look at the Keane’s pilgrimage to Philadelphia and hold on to your funny bones, you don’t want to bust a gut laughing at these absolute gems.

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How many fake twitter accounts has Jon Marks created to insult Mike Missanelli?

As reported by Crossing Broad, Mike Missanelli, paranoid android and 97.5 the Fanatic host, took to the airwaves last Friday afternoon and floated an extremely sane theory about how his former producer, and now 94 WIP host, Jon Marks created fake twitter accounts to criticize his show and spread rumors about the Fanatic’s annual “Fantasy Fest” event.

Missanelli discussed a rumor that “Fantasy Fest” didn’t allow women to attend. Of course women allowed to attend the event, it’s a free country, they can do what they want! Most, however, are smart enough to realize that attending an event with hundreds of BO ridden, drunken sports talk fans isn’t the most entertaining way to spend a Saturday in the summer.

Here’s Missanelli explaining to his show producers how jet fuel can’t sustain a fire hot enough to melt steel girders and how Jon Marks is ruining his life. Please note the very hip and up-to-date slang Missanelli employs to connect with a younger audience (transcript from Crossing Broad):

Mike: “I guarantee you that was started by the other station and their insecurities, because I have seen fake Twitter accounts that rip this show and laud that other show, little Skippy over there that used to be my producer, I’ve been told is behind some fake accounts.”

Tyrone: “Oh!”

Mike: “Yeah.”

Tyrone: “Really?”

Mike: “Yeah. So when you resort to creating fake accounts like Barbara Bottini, to rip the show, that shows a level of desperation. That means you’re a V.L.T.”

Natalie: “A what?”

Mike: “Very little talent.”

Natalie: “Oh”

Tyrone: “That also means that have a PhD, which is a player hater’s degree.”

Mike: “Yeah. Listen, I know you’re desperate, because you are a V.L.T. But come on, fake twitter accounts? Come on.”

I ordered a VLT at a diner the other day…mama mia, you can’t go wrong.

I decided to put on my journalism hat, Ringer style, and delve into the seedy underbelly of Twitter to identify just how many fake Twitter accounts Marks has created to rip Missanelli.

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So, you’ve decided to host a 4th of July barbecue at your house

So, you’ve decided to host a 4th of July barbecue at your house this year, Mr. or Mrs. John Q. American. To you, I say well done! There’s nothing more patriotic than inviting your closest family and friends over for an afternoon of overeating, day drinking, and blatant displays of jingoism that would make William Randolph Hearst blush.

But you can’t just expect to get a few hotdogs, a few hamburgers, and a warm case of domestic beer to pull this off. OH NO. You’ve got to go big, because that’s what America is all about, isn’t it? Gratuitous demonstrations of excess to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love this country oh so very much.

The Coggin Toboggan has helped you win the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest and gotten you out of a fireworks jam in past 4th of July’s, so take advantage of these tips from the professionals to throw the barbecue of the century:

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What does young Brett Brown look like?

I’m a busy man this week at work, but sometimes you have to take a step back and focus on what’s truly important.

One of the great follows on Twitter, @gippergrove, blessed the 76ers community…no….the WORLD with a treasure trove of pictures of a very young Brett Brown with a glorious mane of curly hair and some of the biggest glasses I’ve ever seen outside of a three-ring circus.

(Credit: @GipperGrove)

My God. Gaze upon him and give thanks, but be fearful, for Coach Brown giveth and he certainly taketh away.

Here is an all-encompassing and VERY IMPORTANT list of what young Brett Brown looks like:

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