This is it Philadelphia. The moment you and I have long been waiting for. The time is ripe for a new leader of men to take the Philadelphia Eagles by the balls and mold it into a franchise you’d be proud to bring home to momma.(more…)
We all thought dynasty when Brady’s desperation heave fell to the earth on Feb. 4, 2018, didn’t we? I know I did. I remember touting the Eagles moves that offseason at a two-year-old’s birthday party to my friends, firmly declaring the season would be “a complete disappointment if the Eagles didn’t AT LEAST return to the Super Bowl.”
Well here we are. A season and a half later. Carson Wentz looks more and more like a guy who lucked into 10 amazing MVP-caliber games, got hurt, and then went through his next 21 games as a quarterback lacking health, confidence, weapons….and the elite skill that made him a top-3 quarterback in 2017.
Was that it? Was 2017 the high-water mark and we’ll all just be waiting for that next wave until the seafloor is dry and arid?
This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.
For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.
What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and far, FAR-LESS famous contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!
Of course, as its done the past three years in a row, The Coggin Toboggan hosts its own annual All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble, inviting 30 of the most ruthless and knuckle dragging competitors to bash each others brains in for minimal glory and absolutely no prize money.
Is it bloody? You bet. Are concussions a plenty? Oh my yes. Take a look at Howard Eskin and tell me he’s the same guy today after taking a rusty barb wire covered baseball bat to dome from an enraged John Chaney. Is it barbaric? Well, they don’t call Les Bowen pretty no-more after getting his face ripped apart by Marcus Hayes wielding a cheese grater.
Last year, a masked Mike Trout secretly entered and won the Rumble, much to the delight of the gin soaked crowd. Ben Simmons was betrayed by Jay Wright, Paul Jolovitz landed his first ever offensive move, and Tina Fey bit the jugular out of Bill Cosby in a moment that will haunt the poor souls who witnessed it until the day they die. Great times were had by all!
Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.
Ladies and gentlemen, the 2019 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.
After the Eagles fucked away a 17-point lead against the Panthers three weeks ago, Doug Pederson proclaimed the pressure was off his team.
Imagine how little pressure this team feels right now.
Oh me oh my. What the hell did we all watch last night? More important, WHY did we all watch that last night? If we had paid closer attention to this team, to the smoke and mirrors it had displayed during their four wins, we surely would have noticed that the air was dewy sweet with the potential for a massive letdown.
Please go someone else if you want any type of analysis from this game. Stay here if you want to listen to pure, unadulterated bitching.
Look over here! It’s Brandon Graham stripping Tom Brady in the Super Bowl! Remember that? Hey look at this, it’s the Lombardi trophy! Awesome, right?! No no, don’t look over there at the patchwork secondary, the questionable coaching decisions, or Darren Sproles taking up a roster spot all year to get free healthcare….look back over this way, it’s another replay of the Philly Special! Remember that? Philly Philly? Too cool, right?
Chase Utley put it best, booing Eagles fans.
“Boo? Fuck you.”
This wasn’t Chip Kelly running sweeps with DeMarco Murray out of the shotgun for a 2-yard-loss every first down. This wasn’t Andy Reid blowing another NFC Championship. This wasn’t the Eagles losing 42-0 to the Seahawks.
No. This was the defending Super Bowl champions getting booed by a smattering of morons (just a smattering, but an AUDIBLE smattering on the broadcast) after just one half of regular season football seven months after the franchise finally won us a Super Bowl.
No. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
::A familiar voice rings out from the back of head coach Doug Pederson’s press conference, and a familiar-faced, middle aged man begins to push his way through the assembled media corp, accidentally knocking Les Bowen to the ground as security desperately tries to contain the situation::
Hoying: Hey Doug, you little pissant, tell your gestapo SS guards to get their god damn hands offa me. I’m a legacy, fuck it all, I don’t deserve to be treated like this damnit. Do you dollar store LOSERS even know who I am, I used to run this town, get yer paws off of me for fucks sake….
::Hoying takes a wild swing at one of the Novacare guards, before Pederson tells them it’s okay and takes responsibility for the wild-eyed guest. Smiling, Hoying pulls Pederson into a meaty hug after the coach offers him his hand for a quick shake::
I’ve just started this column at 2:15 p.m. My 19-month old kid typically naps from noon to 2 p.m., and he has decided to grant me with an EXTRA-LONG nap on this glorious Friday after Thanksgiving, so why not scramble and write a very slapdash, loosey goosey column on the fly to tell our Coggin readers what we’re thankful for this Thanksgiving season.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?! OH GOD IS HE WAKING UP……no, no thank goodness. It was just the cat licking his own asshole and hatefully glaring at me as he does so. Fuck you cat. You will NOT be on this list.
Here is an all to inconclusive list of things we’re thankful for at The Coggin:
- Thanksgiving scotch, as this tweet so eloquently points out.
Four likes! That is an en fuego tweet, ladies and gentlemen.
- Howard Eskin blatantly passing off Ringer memes as his own.
Oh Howard…you couldn’t figure out how to crop out the massive Ringer logo from the meme? You are the heel we deserve, King.
- Doug Pederson selling his soul to Satan, or so I assume since there is no other possible explanation for his sudden brilliant coaching. Thanks Doug, I hope it was worth it, we all appreciate it.
- The cat, who is no longer licking his asshole in front of me and is now simply glaring at me with every ounce of hate in his black heart.
- The commenters on Crossing Broad, who have taken such a shine to my columns that only 80% of them now continue to urge me to commit suicide for being a poor writer. Thanks gang!
- Everything about the 76ers. I have no snarky rebuttal or joke for this. They’re just fun to watch now, FINALLY. Also, they have mercifully limited Bryan (with a Y) Colangelo’s appearances at media events so I don’t have to look at his smug, punchable face.
Fuck, FUCK….2:26 p.m. and he’s up. That’s an 11 minute column, people. THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT.
Did you not make the cut for what we’re thankful for? Well, then just let me say that I’m very disappointed in you. You’re bad and you should continue to feel bad throughout the holiday season.
The best coaches in the NFL play to their players’ strengths and hide their players’ weaknesses. A coach doesn’t mold his team in his vision, but he molds his vision to his team.
A coach like Bill Belichick sees what his players do well, puts them in a position that plays to their strengths, and limits their exposure to hide their deficiencies.
It’s an indomitable fact. This is what successful coaches do and how good teams win. So, why is Doug Pederson refusing to showcase the best offensive option the Eagles have and limiting their explosive scoring potential?
Yes, the Eagles won, but it’s more of a concern that Pederson can’t see the forest for the trees.
It makes no sense. Is he being stubborn? Does he not see what he has in front of him? Either way, it’s a huge concern moving forward in the season.
Forget about the Eagles only running the ball 13 times, or Doug Pederson acting like a toddler on Christmas morning and only playing with a cardboard box when his brand new LeGarrette Blount sits unloved on the sideline. No. What I missed most on Sunday was Doug’s dedication to his wide receiver screen game plan that has given the team so much success in the past.
How can you expect to keep a defense honest when you don’t throw in at least one or two wide receiver screens a game? You’re doing yourself a disservice when you don’t give Wentz the opportunity to throw a haphazard pass to an unprepared receiver 8-yard behind the line of scrimmage.
He let the fans down and he let his team down. Bring the screen back Doug, we beg of you.
Or at least run the ball more than 13 GODDAMN TIMES. Fuck my life. Mix in a draw once in a while so I don’t have to see Carson Wentz overthrow/underthrow every single pass he throws over 25-yards. Jesus.
Other game notes after the jump:
1-0 after week 1. Good job guys. Good effort. Great to get out of D.C. with a victory over the hated Washington Native Americans (name changed to keep this blog as a safe space) and come back to Philadelphia a winner.
Not so fast though. The season is in trouble, and anyone with a good pair of eyes can see it.
With a week 2 jaunt against the Kansas City Chiefs looming over the franchise, we have to face some serious facts about the season already.
If the Eagles lose against the Chiefs next Sunday, is the season over?
I say yes.