I’ve just started this column at 2:15 p.m. My 19-month old kid typically naps from noon to 2 p.m., and he has decided to grant me with an EXTRA-LONG nap on this glorious Friday after Thanksgiving, so why not scramble and write a very slapdash, loosey goosey column on the fly to tell our Coggin readers what we’re thankful for this Thanksgiving season.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?! OH GOD IS HE WAKING UP……no, no thank goodness. It was just the cat licking his own asshole and hatefully glaring at me as he does so. Fuck you cat. You will NOT be on this list.
Here is an all to inconclusive list of things we’re thankful for at The Coggin:
- Thanksgiving scotch, as this tweet so eloquently points out.
Four likes! That is an en fuego tweet, ladies and gentlemen.
- Howard Eskin blatantly passing off Ringer memes as his own.
Oh Howard…you couldn’t figure out how to crop out the massive Ringer logo from the meme? You are the heel we deserve, King.
- Doug Pederson selling his soul to Satan, or so I assume since there is no other possible explanation for his sudden brilliant coaching. Thanks Doug, I hope it was worth it, we all appreciate it.
- The cat, who is no longer licking his asshole in front of me and is now simply glaring at me with every ounce of hate in his black heart.
- The commenters on Crossing Broad, who have taken such a shine to my columns that only 80% of them now continue to urge me to commit suicide for being a poor writer. Thanks gang!
- Everything about the 76ers. I have no snarky rebuttal or joke for this. They’re just fun to watch now, FINALLY. Also, they have mercifully limited Bryan (with a Y) Colangelo’s appearances at media events so I don’t have to look at his smug, punchable face.
Fuck, FUCK….2:26 p.m. and he’s up. That’s an 11 minute column, people. THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT.
Did you not make the cut for what we’re thankful for? Well, then just let me say that I’m very disappointed in you. You’re bad and you should continue to feel bad throughout the holiday season.