It’s a take about nothing!

What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and Harper Lee?!

Seinfeld-Cast-Jerry-Seinfeld-16x9-1Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with Joel Embiid and his gimpy foot? One day you’re riding a Phunkee Duck through the city of Philadelphia, and the next day you’re sitting out for the rest of the year because you rebroke your foot! He’s broken his foot more times than Wayne Knight has had to refill his diabetes medication! I hated anyone who had a pony!

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It’s a take about nothing: Maikel Franco!

121Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with Maikel Franco rumored to be coming up to the Phillies on Friday?! He’s up, he’s down, he’s up, he’s down, he’s being bounced around more than a basketball at a Jewish summer day camp!

But seriously, make a decision on this kid and end it! He’s racked up more frequent flyer miles from Philadelphia to Reading than Governor Christie has charged cheesesteaks to the New Jersey taxpayer. Am I crazy, or is that a lot of cheesesteaks?!

Just play him or get rid of him Amaro, we’re serious. Enough of this kid getting yanked around each year, lets see if he can swing the stick or not. Look to the cookie, Elaine, look to the cookie!

All of this coming up and down reminds me of Larry David in the open mic scene in New York back in the early 80s. He’d come with me to the Chuckle Hut, high on cocaine and gefilte fish, and agonize for hours on whether he’d take a stab at this comedy thing. I’d have to convince him to come out of the mens room to perform for his five minutes, which would just lead to him drooling on the microphone in a cocaine and bourbon induced stupor.

On a related note, it’s how he came up with the gag of Kramer drooling on the gym floor after getting a strong shot of novocaine and hurting Jimmy. Except in real life, one of the talented young comics slipped on Larry’s drool and actually became PARALYZED from the waist down and never did comedy again! Believe me, the gag was much funnier when we did it on Seinfeld years later and much less tragic.

What’s the deal?!

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers? (and the SNL 40th anniversary)

Jerry-Seinfeld-001Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! Can’t they just have one season where they’re good from start to finish? I’m sick of it! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, just pick one side and end it! I hate anyone who ever had a pony growing up!

But seriously, don’t get our hopes up and get to within a few points of the playoffs and then crap out, it’s just not fair to anyone. It would be as unfair as a black woman who tried out for our show in the 90s, they just stood no chance! Look to the cookie!

So either go for it, Hextall, or just trade away some talent so we can be good again in a few years. You can’t have it all. I told the same thing to Michael Richards about his standup career, but I think we all know what happened with that. What’s the deal with homework, you’re not working on your home?

So millions saw Larry and I on tv last this past Sunday for the 40th anniversary of Saturday Night Live. Larry was a writer for the show for two seasons from 1984 to 1985. When we first met he told me about a sketch he kept pitching to the cast that nobody would do. He suggested a cast member take out a bag of cocaine midway through the show and literally BLOW it up the ass of Lorne Michaels with a straw on camera. He said he got the idea from Stevie Nicks, who eroded her nose so badly with booger sugar she had to pay a roadie to use the straw trick before each Fleetwood Mac show from 1979 to 1983. The only cast member who toyed with the idea was Jon Lovitz, but every time David provided him with the cocaine he would disappear into a bathroom and do the entire eightball himself. They were some of the best shows he ever did.

Lorne never did forgive Lovitz for going along with Larry’s idea and arranged the RIP in memoriam gag last Sunday as a result. Fun fact, Lorne kept looking backstage for Charles Rocket, claiming he was the only one of us desperate enough to cut Lovitz’s brake lines for a few thousands bucks. Nobody had the heart to tell him Rocket died 10 years ago.

What’s the deal?!

What’s the deal with Marcus Mariota?

jerry-seinfeld-puffy-shirt-600x450Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota?! He runs, he passes, he runs, he passes, make up your mind already and stick with it! And who know what the Eagles will do, will they give up their future and trade for him, or will they come out looking worse than I did wearing the Puffy Shirt on the Bryant Gumbel show?! But I don’t want to be a pirate!

Give it up Philadelphia, you’re not getting him! Why would a team trade their top five pick to the Eagles?! You don’t want Foles, you don’t want the 20th overall pick, it just doesn’t make sense! It’s like Elaine trying to flip a gay guy to our team, it just won’t work! The Eagles just don’t have enough access to the equipment!

It’s like back in ’95 when we wanted to trade Kenny Bania to Friends for that Joey kid, Matthew Leblanc. Larry was really hot on him, really thought he had the goods. We offered them Bania, access to Monk’s Coffee Shop for a special crossover shoot, and 10 minutes in a trailer for Matthew Perry and all of the cocaine he could handle, no questions asked. They mulled it over, but they didn’t want to let him go because the creator of Friends had a 10% stake in Matt LeBlanc’s upcoming movie “Ed.” It was him and a chimp who could play baseball, and frankly, most of us thought the chimp was a better actor except for Larry.

I convinced Larry to pull the offer off the table when I told him LeBlanc was an anti-semite after he overcooked Larry’s hamburger at the NBC summer luncheon. You don’t just overcook a hamburger Larry, it doesn’t just happen!

What’s the deal!?

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia Flyers?! (and Rob Konrad)

Jerry_SeinfeldJerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal, Philadelphia Flyers?! You have the top two scorers in the league, yet you’re floundering around in your division worse than Rob Konrad in the Atlantic Ocean! If Bobby Clarke were still the GM, you know he would have traded Claude Giroux for Martin Brodeur and Al MacInnis by now to “change the attitude” of the team.

But what is the deal with this Rob Konrad guy? Sure, you allegedly “fell” off your boat trying to reel in a fish, just like Michael Richards said he allegedly told those people in the comedy club they had “chiggers” in their hair. It just doesn’t add up! One jellyfish sting and you would have sank to the bottom of the ocean, something’s not right here!

Does anyone believe this story?! What’s the deal?! 17 miles in the ocean and you’re able to swim to shore with just a mild case of hypothermia? That’s like Jason Alexander snorting an 8-ball of coke and arriving at the hospital with just a mild case of brain damage, it just doesn’t add up. What’s the deal?!

Come on Flyers, try to string together a few wins before one of your defensemen or goalies get hurt again. What’s the deal with these fragile professional athletes getting hurt every two seconds?! Steve Mason kicks his leg out for a save one minute, and the next he’s flopping around on the ice like a clubbed baby seal.

The Rob Konrad story reminds me of a Seinfeld episode Larry David pitched me once that never saw the light of day. It was going to center around myself, Elaine, Kramer and George enjoying a cruise from Long Island to the Bahamas, until Kramer convinced the captain to let him guide the ship into port because he had a better route and ran us all aground on a coral reef. Well, 2,000 souls perished in the episode, including George, and just left the remaining three on a life raft with the bloated corpse of Costanza to keep us company.

I kept telling him that we couldn’t kill off a main character, but he told me it wouldn’t be retconned. I still don’t know what that means.

David never did finish the script, though he did allude to Elaine buckling first and succumbing to cannibalism. He wrote a harrowing scene of her doing little kicks in a life raft, eating George’s detached foot with blood running down her face…It was a bit of a downer on second thought, but still would have been better than the finale.

What’s the deal?!

It’s a take about nothing!

Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with the Philadelphia 76ers?! They’re good, they’re bad, they’re good, they’re bad, pick a team identity and stick with it! You’re supposed to be tanking and you’re two games in a row, what’s the deal! Why is it the team wins when we want them to lose, and loses when we want them to win, what’s the deal?!

And who are these people?? I feel like they’re two weeks away from signing random fans out of the crowd who hit the backboard during the halftime half-court shots.

And what’s the deal with Lebron James’s receding hair line? If he loses anymore hair he’ll be balder than Jason Alexander after I snatch that bird’s nest off the top of his chrome dome the next time he’s at my penthouse begging me to do a Seinfeld reunion. You were on one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, Alexander, act like it! It’s not fun when you act like George in real life, what’s the deal! Take a cue from Julia and hitch your wagon to an edgy, award winning show….or at least follow in Michael’s footsteps and take the hint when I don’t return your phone calls, what’s the deal!