Ruben Amaro

Aaron Nola dazzles fans with 6 strong innings, immediately demoted to AAA after game

Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)

Dead man walking (Photo credit: Emily Paine / The Morning Call)

Philadelphia, PA – Giving Philadelphia fans something to be excited about for the first time since 2011, Aaron Nola made his major league debut Tuesday night against the Tampa Bay Rays, pitching six-strong innings and only allowing one run.

Nola exited the game with the Phillies losing 0-1, but he had certainly done his job, only allowing one earned run on five hits.

Ruben Amaro congratulated Nola on his debut, sitting next to the beaming rookie in a post game press conference.

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Phillies release Cole Hamels into the wild

He's free now, free and happy.

He’s free now, free and happy.

Philadelphia, PA – Unable to finally make a trade to send Phillies ace Cole Hamels to another team, Ruben Amaro made the heartbreaking decision to release the veteran pitcher into the wild and allow him to be free and happy.

Amaro drove Hamels to Fairmount Park after his second straight poor start on Sunday afternoon and opened the door to his Toyota Tercel, telling Hamels to leave and never come back.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. dominates this year’s “Shitties” ceremony

rubenSouth Los Angeles, Calif. – Perhaps validating one of the most troubled years of his career as a front office representative for the Philadelphia Phillies, Ruben Amaro Jr. won six “Shittie” awards, a competing sports award show held on the same evening as the ESPN “Espy” awards.

The ceremony took place at a YMCA in South Los Angeles from 3 to 5 p.m. yesterday, with some of the most well known names in sports in attendance. Hosted by Bill Cosby, sports dignitaries such as Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Tiger Woods all received “Shitties” for their accomplishments this past year.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wonders if he can get in on this D’Angelo Russell action

Ohio State Buckeyes guard D'Angelo Russell (0) drives to the basket in the first half of the college basketball game between the Ohio State Buckeyes and the Maryland Terrapins at Value City Arena in Columbus, Thursday evening, January 29, 2015. As of half time the Ohio State Buckeyes led the Maryland Terrapins 34 - 26. (The Columbus Dispatch / Eamon Queeney)

Philadelphia, PA – Impressed by the workouts and positive attitude of Ohio State point guard D’Angelo Russell, Ruben Amaro Jr. openly wondered if the Phillies could get in on some of this “sweet, sweet D’Angelo Russell action.”

“If the 76ers draft D’Angelo, could he come to a few of our games? Maybe shag some fly balls? He seems legitimately excited to potentially be playing for Philadelphia and we desperately need some positivity on this team. He seems like a bright young man, and someone who wouldn’t openly yell at Bob (McClure, Phillies pitching coach) about his inability to use the bullpen phone correctly.”

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Ruben Amaro frantically trying to reach Sepp Blatter

Newest member of the Phillies front office.

Newest member of the Phillies front office.

Philadelphia, PA – Upon hearing embattled and corrupt FIFA President Sepp Blatter had resigned from his position, Ruben Amaro Jr. was seen sprinting to his office as he frantically looked up the international country code for Switzerland.

“This guy has got the goods and we need to reach him RIGHT NOW,” Amaro could be heard screaming at a frazzled assistant, who was trying to find a contact number for Blatter. “He has the knowledge and the experience to be a perfect front office member for our organization, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET ME THAT NUMBER.”

Representatives claimed it was the most energetic and passionate they have seen Amaro since he inked Chad Billingsley to a minor league contract earlier this year.

Amaro smashed his second generation Blackberry against his desk when his assistant could not reach Blatter by telephone.

“Get his email address, we need him in this organization and we NEED HIM NOW. I’ve never been more sure of something in my entire life. Fans will love this guy, offer him anything he wants, JUST DO IT NOW!” ruben

As of press time, Amaro had reached a confused Blatter and was trying to explain the rules of baseball to the 79-year-old corrupt president.

UPDATE: Amaro successfully inked Blatter to a lifetime deal, worth $5 million for every year Blatter serves in the front office. He then named Blatter as his successor as GM.

It’s a take about nothing: Maikel Franco!

121Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with Maikel Franco rumored to be coming up to the Phillies on Friday?! He’s up, he’s down, he’s up, he’s down, he’s being bounced around more than a basketball at a Jewish summer day camp!

But seriously, make a decision on this kid and end it! He’s racked up more frequent flyer miles from Philadelphia to Reading than Governor Christie has charged cheesesteaks to the New Jersey taxpayer. Am I crazy, or is that a lot of cheesesteaks?!

Just play him or get rid of him Amaro, we’re serious. Enough of this kid getting yanked around each year, lets see if he can swing the stick or not. Look to the cookie, Elaine, look to the cookie!

All of this coming up and down reminds me of Larry David in the open mic scene in New York back in the early 80s. He’d come with me to the Chuckle Hut, high on cocaine and gefilte fish, and agonize for hours on whether he’d take a stab at this comedy thing. I’d have to convince him to come out of the mens room to perform for his five minutes, which would just lead to him drooling on the microphone in a cocaine and bourbon induced stupor.

On a related note, it’s how he came up with the gag of Kramer drooling on the gym floor after getting a strong shot of novocaine and hurting Jimmy. Except in real life, one of the talented young comics slipped on Larry’s drool and actually became PARALYZED from the waist down and never did comedy again! Believe me, the gag was much funnier when we did it on Seinfeld years later and much less tragic.

What’s the deal?!