Entire Phillies Roster: Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez most envied athlete in organization

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

Philadelphia, PA – With the announcement that starting, relieving, and all around horrid Cuban pitcher Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez had been dumped from the 40 man roster, waves of jealousy started to ride through the remaining roster that learned they would be with the team on opening day.

“It’s just…I don’t know. Sure it’s an honor to be starting opening day, but there really is something to be said for a pitcher making $4 million this year and not having to play on this team,” starting pitcher Cole Hamels said, deeply sighing as he watched Gonzalez board a bus to the minor leagues.

“Sure it’s a demotion, but at least he’s still making millions of dollars. Hell, at least in Triple A you won’t have to deal with Ruben Amaro bragging nonstop about his fantasy baseball team. Jesus, Ruben, your team sucks. Ryan Howard in the second round? Art imitates life, I suppose.”

The pitcher will get to hone his craft in front of just a few thousand, die hard fans in Reading, Pennsylvania, instead of being booed on a daily basis by 30,000 angry Phillies fans each night.

“I really love Philadelphia, I do. But sometimes….I just can’t deal with Amaro anymore. Enough with him,” Chase Utley said, shrugging as he took batting practice. “I wonder if the Dodgers need a second baseman? Even if they do, I’m sure Amaro will bungle the deal and I’ll never get out there.”

Freddy Galvis took a more succinct approach to his opinion on Gonzalez.

“That mother fucker hit the mother fucking jackpot,” he grumbled.

As of press time, Carlos Ruiz was seriously considering throwing himself down the clubhouse stairs in hopes that he would damage an important ligament and would have to retire.

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