Reading Phillies

Maikel Franco shows up to Phillies clubhouse with sleeping bag, Avengers backpack

What, are you going to cry now?!

What, are you going to cry now?!

Philadelphia, PA – Maikel Franco, called up to the Phillies for the first time this season from AAA, showed up to the Phillies clubhouse this afternoon timidly clutching a sleeping bag and wandering around aimlessly looking for his locker.

Despite having spent a few weeks up with the big team last fall, Franco looked bewildered and nervous as his teammates hustled and joked around him.

Barely bringing his voice above a meek whisper and with tears starting to well up in his eyes, Franco approached Ryan Howard and asked the veteran slugger if he could point him in the direction of his locker.

“Rookies don’t get lockers until they smell this,” Howard said, grinning as he held up a jockstrap to Franco.

Franco quickly turned and walked away from a cackling Howard. He spent the next 20 minutes watching his teammates get ready for hitting practice from the entrance of the clubhouse restroom before a bat boy escorted him to his locker.

After depositing his backpack and sleeping back in the locker room, the embarrassed and intimidated rookie reportedly took his uniform into a utility closet to change. Upon exiting, he was greeted with howls of laughter and points from his teammates, who noticed the frazzled Franco had accidentally put his pants on backward.

Quickly retreating back into the closet to fix his pants, Franco scrambled to his locker and spent the remaining time before practice quietly whispering to his Iron Man action figure.

“They’re so mean to me Tony…I want to be back at Reading with my friends,” he said to his Avengers: Age of Ultron Iron Man action figure. “Everyone is so much bigger and older…I don’t think I can do this.”

As of press time, Franco had reportedly called his mother and requested she pick him up from Citizens Bank Park and bring him home. She reminded Franco that she and his father currently live in the Dominican Republic, and for him to send money soon.

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Entire Phillies Roster: Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez most envied athlete in organization

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

Philadelphia, PA – With the announcement that starting, relieving, and all around horrid Cuban pitcher Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez had been dumped from the 40 man roster, waves of jealousy started to ride through the remaining roster that learned they would be with the team on opening day.

“It’s just…I don’t know. Sure it’s an honor to be starting opening day, but there really is something to be said for a pitcher making $4 million this year and not having to play on this team,” starting pitcher Cole Hamels said, deeply sighing as he watched Gonzalez board a bus to the minor leagues.

“Sure it’s a demotion, but at least he’s still making millions of dollars. Hell, at least in Triple A you won’t have to deal with Ruben Amaro bragging nonstop about his fantasy baseball team. Jesus, Ruben, your team sucks. Ryan Howard in the second round? Art imitates life, I suppose.”

The pitcher will get to hone his craft in front of just a few thousand, die hard fans in Reading, Pennsylvania, instead of being booed on a daily basis by 30,000 angry Phillies fans each night.

“I really love Philadelphia, I do. But sometimes….I just can’t deal with Amaro anymore. Enough with him,” Chase Utley said, shrugging as he took batting practice. “I wonder if the Dodgers need a second baseman? Even if they do, I’m sure Amaro will bungle the deal and I’ll never get out there.”

Freddy Galvis took a more succinct approach to his opinion on Gonzalez.

“That mother fucker hit the mother fucking jackpot,” he grumbled.

As of press time, Carlos Ruiz was seriously considering throwing himself down the clubhouse stairs in hopes that he would damage an important ligament and would have to retire.