Cole Hamels

Christmas greatest hits Coggin Toboggan style

redcrabWell it’s Christmas. While most of you are opening presents around the tree and roasting chestnuts on an open fire, take ¬†a minute to think about those of us who may not have chestnuts and have taken to eating wet walnuts under a bridge in South Jersey somewhere.

Yes it’s Christmas, and that means I’m much too lazy to actually write something of substance. If you’re like me, right about now you’re arguing with family members about wrongs of Christmas past and you’re ready to throw ALL of the presents you’ve bought into a local reservoir to show them you really mean business.

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Phillies trade Cole Hamels, sack of marbles, Petey for prospects

He's free now, free and happy.

He’s free now, free and happy.

Cole Hamels was traded last night to the Texas Rangers in a move many experts are saying the Phillies gave up too much in order to bring back two talent-laden prospects.

However, while the negotiating details of the trades are kept quiet, The Coggin Toboggan has gained insider information as to HOW Andy MacPhail found out about the trade from Ruben Amaro, Jr.

It’s a fascinating insider look at how these trades are completed and what goes into making them. Did the Phillies get enough back? Was MacPhail happy with what Ruben completed?

Lets watch, shall we?

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Tom McCarthy gets in one last advertisement during final out of Hamels no-hit game

Safe and secure, safe and secure!

Safe and secure, safe and secure!

Chicago – As Cole Hamels watched a rocketed fly ball travel out to centerfield, his hopes of a no-hitter hanging in the balance, Phillies announcer Tom McCarthy knew he had a job to do and knew he had to do it well, as this would be a moment for every Phillies fan to remember.

As Odubel Herrera circled back and made a sprawling catch to seal the historic moment for Hamels, TMac, as he is affectionately known by fans, knew the moment was a big one.

“I thought to myself, how can I make this a moment for fans to remember? This is a goal Cole has been trying to reach for his entire career, and I knew I had to make it special,” McCarthy said after the game. “But then I remembered we hadn’t reached our quota of New York Life commercials, so I knew what I had to do.”

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Phillies release Cole Hamels into the wild

He's free now, free and happy.

He’s free now, free and happy.

Philadelphia, PA – Unable to finally make a trade to send Phillies ace Cole Hamels to another team, Ruben Amaro made the heartbreaking decision to release the veteran pitcher into the wild and allow him to be free and happy.

Amaro drove Hamels to Fairmount Park after his second straight poor start on Sunday afternoon and opened the door to his Toyota Tercel, telling Hamels to leave and never come back.

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Ruben Amaro Jr. dominates this year’s “Shitties” ceremony

rubenSouth Los Angeles, Calif. – Perhaps validating one of the most troubled years of his career as a front office representative for the Philadelphia Phillies, Ruben Amaro Jr. won six “Shittie” awards, a competing sports award show held on the same evening as the ESPN “Espy” awards.

The ceremony took place at a YMCA in South Los Angeles from 3 to 5 p.m. yesterday, with some of the most well known names in sports in attendance. Hosted by Bill Cosby, sports dignitaries such as Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson and Tiger Woods all received “Shitties” for their accomplishments this past year.

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I only know two things in this world: Garbage is delicious and Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst

Snickers the possum.

Snickers the possum.

Hey! Yes, it’s me, Snickers the possum. Ridiculous name for a possum, I know, but my mother was a touch rabid when I was born and she started to name us after pieces of trash she found on the ground in a virus laden haze. I don’t know for certain why she named me this, but if there is one thing I do know for certain, it is that Ruben Amaro Jr. is the worst general manager the Phillies have ever seen.

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Entire Phillies Roster: Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez most envied athlete in organization

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

The luckiest man on the (acne pocked) face of the earth.

Philadelphia, PA – With the announcement that starting, relieving, and all around horrid Cuban pitcher Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez had been dumped from the 40 man roster, waves of jealousy started to ride through the remaining roster that learned they would be with the team on opening day.

“It’s just…I don’t know. Sure it’s an honor to be starting opening day, but there really is something to be said for a pitcher making $4 million this year and not having to play on this team,” starting pitcher Cole Hamels said, deeply sighing as he watched Gonzalez board a bus to the minor leagues.

“Sure it’s a demotion, but at least he’s still making millions of dollars. Hell, at least in Triple A you won’t have to deal with Ruben Amaro bragging nonstop about his fantasy baseball team. Jesus, Ruben, your team sucks. Ryan Howard in the second round? Art imitates life, I suppose.”

The pitcher will get to hone his craft in front of just a few thousand, die hard fans in Reading, Pennsylvania, instead of being booed on a daily basis by 30,000 angry Phillies fans each night.

“I really love Philadelphia, I do. But sometimes….I just can’t deal with Amaro anymore. Enough with him,” Chase Utley said, shrugging as he took batting practice. “I wonder if the Dodgers need a second baseman? Even if they do, I’m sure Amaro will bungle the deal and I’ll never get out there.”

Freddy Galvis took a more succinct approach to his opinion on Gonzalez.

“That mother fucker hit the mother fucking jackpot,” he grumbled.

As of press time, Carlos Ruiz was seriously considering throwing himself down the clubhouse stairs in hopes that he would damage an important ligament and would have to retire.

Deeply reflective Cole Hamels: I won’t win with the Phillies, nor with this blight upon my soul

mlb_phillies_hamels_years

Cole Hamels, perhaps reflecting on the teachings of Proust.

Clearwater, Fla – Showing a side of himself to the media few have seen, the quiet spoken Cole Hamels opened up about the upcoming season, his chances of staying with the Phillies, and the darkness residing in every man’s soul, born or dead.

Casting his eyes skyward, Hamels sighed deeply as he sat down on the pitchers mound at the Phillies spring training complex with a book of Nietzsche in his lap. He lectured the throng of reporters surrounding him in a pained voice, his once youthful and energetic face a scrunched mask of torment and anguish. It was almost as if he had looked into the abyss, seen it looking back at him, and realized the insignificance of his existence.

“What does anything really mean. What is winning in the grand scheme of life? I’ll make some more money if I leave, more than I could ever possibly spend, but where does that leave me at the end of my life? How am I any different from the pauper when we both perish? We both become dust, two more empty husks to wither away into the ether.”

For nearly three hours Hamels touched upon the afterlife, what it means to be a human being, the dual nature hiding within every man, woman, and child, and the lack of depth in the Phillies bullpen.

When asked by David Murphy on what Phillies fan should hope for in the upcoming season, Hamels looked up at the beat reporter and wept, openly and deeply.

“Hope, in reality, is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man,” he said, quoting the German philosopher.

Hamels then said he would approve a trade to either the Los Angeles Dodgers, San Diego Padres, or to the Pashupatinath Temple in Nepal to live out the rest of his meager existence in seclusion and deep reflection.