Old habits die hard, just ask former Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr.
Visiting Citizens Bank Park for the first time since being fired as the organization’s general manager, the two sides got a good chuckle out of Amaro Jr. accidentally walking into the Phillies home clubhouse instead of the visitors clubhouse Wednesday night prior to the Phillies home stint with the Boston Red Sox.
“Oops…I don’t think I’ve even been to the visitors clubhouse, my bad guys,” Amaro Jr. said to the amused group of Phillies who were lounging around prior to the game, speaking with members of the media.
“Oh, and someone tell Mickey Moniak I’ve traded him to the Mets for Curtis Granderson. We need some power at the corners and they needed young talent. Should be a win-win.”
Boston, Mass. – Citing his recent poor performance as a first base coach, Boston Red Sox GM Mike Hazen said a decision has been made to demote Ruben Amaro Jr. to the position of bat boy for the first month of the season.
“We hope Ruben will gain some much needed experience and we’ll evaluate his status with the team after April,” Hazen said.
When asked what led to the demotion, Hazen said it was several moments during Spring Training that stood out to the organization, namely Amaro’s habit of defending his decision to not use advanced statistics during his tenure as the Phillies GM.
The new Red Sox first base coach is already looking to make a mark in the city.
Boston, Mass – Speaking to media during his first spring training with the Boston Red Sox, new first base coach and former Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. expressed excitement at a new start with a new franchise.
Amaro Jr. said he was most excited to have the opportunity to “fail miserably” and “have a whole new fan base despise me for an entirely new reason.”
“I’m grateful for this opportunity to alienate myself and have the good people of Boston absolutely come to hate me in the next several year. It should be a wild ride,” Amaro Jr. said, picking up a foul ball and whipping it towards David Ortiz, whose back was turned to the interview.
The Red Sox announced Ortiz would miss the first three months of the season with a concussion.
What is up tobogganites? By the time you read this I’ll either be sitting in an outpatient surgery center or drooling on myself in a propofol induced slumber as some quack doctor shoves an endoscope down my esophagus.
Now before you fret, know that my doctor told me that his initial diagnosis for me was “Wahhhh your tum tum hurts” so I’m not too worried about what he’s going to find.
Philadelphia, PA – Bob Lamonte, famed agent known for molding former executives into possible NFL coaches and MLB managers, revealed to the Coggin Toboggan today he had no idea Ruben Amaro Jr. was fostering ideas of becoming the manager of a professional baseball team.
Lamonte ended his professional relationship with Amaro Jr. after learning the former Phillies GM was “actually thinking about shaping the hearts and minds of professional ballplayers on a daily basis.”
Philadelphia, PA – Speaking from his home, ex-Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. told reporters he was beginning to think the Phillies may not bring him back as the general manager for next season.
“I don’t want to look to into this, but after they let me go from my contract and told me they would not extend me next year, this really leads me to think I may not be back with the organization in 2016,” he said.
Amaro Jr. said he was nervous that nobody in the Phillies front office had been taking his calls since August and his official team email address had been deleted.
Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.
Philadelphia, PA – A number of police officers swarmed to Citizens Bank Park earlier this afternoon when front office officials called the authorities after former GM Ruben Amaro Jr. locked himself in his office and was actively trying to trade away several pieces of the roster before leaving the premises.
Phillies Executive Andy Macphail met with the media as police officers dragged the kicking and screaming Amaro Jr. from his office before forcibly ejected him from Citizens Bank Park. Several members of the Philadelphia Fire Department had been summoned to the stadium and had to chop down Amaro Jr.’s door to allow police officers entrance.