Marcus Hayes

SCANDAL: Shorr-Parks admits to never attending an Eagles OTA, no journalist has

Eliot Shorr-Parks is blowing the lid off of a massive Philadelphia sports media scandal.

In a stunning admission this morning on NJ.com, Eagles beat writer Eliot Shorr-Parks published a column apologizing to his readers after he admitted to not attending a single Eagles OTA this season, nor any over his entire journalistic career.

In fact, no sports journalist has ever attended an OTA in the past decade, he claimed.

The veteran journalist admitted to “just hanging out at a bar” for several hours each day with a number of other journalists from various city publications who were supposed to be covering the informal team workouts leading up to July training camp.

“Everything you read about OTAs in any of the newspapers in this city? All made up. Nobody actually goes to them, who would do that?” he wrote in a column published on NJ.com this morning. “We tried to cover them at first, but they’re so boring. Athletes running around in their shorts, playing catch? You try to crank out 1,000 words a day on that bullshit.”

“Where do they even hold OTAs anyways? Clearwater? No, that’s baseball…umm….Lehigh Valley? That sounds about right.”

Shorr-Parks decided to come clean this year, though, claiming he was feeling guilty about lying to his readers.

However, it’s believed he was forced to admit to his scam after accidentally publishing a screen shot from the NES classic “Tecmo Super Bowl” on his Twitter account over the weekend and trying to pass it off as action from OTAs.

“QB Eagles looks great this year! Really working hard on his touchdown celebrations,” Shorr-Parks wrote under the published photo.

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Sweaty, untalented journalist Marcus Hayes is descending upon Syracuse University

C8_EZE4XcAA0W-j As if Syracuse isn’t a depressing enough place to live in already, Philadelphia’s muskiest sports journalist Marcus Hayes is taking his talents to upstate New York to teach young, impressionable sports journalists the fine art of accusing beloved, local sports figures of racism with no concrete evidence or first-hand anecdotes.

May god have mercy on your souls.

I know what you’re thinking if you’re a journalism student at Syracuse. SURE, it seems like a great idea to attend the symposium of an alum who has “made it” in the world of sports journalism, but what’s the catch?

Oh yeah, he’s an untalented hack and will teach you absolutely nothing.

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In the spirit of the Thanksgiving season, it’s time for the Coggin Toboggan pardon

What are you looking at? Gobble gobble.

Ahhhh Thanksgiving. A time for family, a time for good food and a time for visiting those weird relatives who still don’t have cable even though it’s 2016 and serve striped hard candy for dessert. You know the ones, their house smells like cat piss even though to the best of your knowledge they’ve never even owned a cat? Yeah, them. I know, they suck, but they’re lonely and nobody ever visits them, so get your ass over to their house and PLAY NICE.

Each year, the current president pardons two turkeys on the eve of Thanksgiving to keep the birds out of the slaughterhouse. Sure, it means absolutely nothing when hundreds of thousands of them are actually sent to the slaughterhouse each year, but it’s kitschy!

So it got us to thinking…why don’t we steal the idea and pardon someone we’ve given a hard time to over the past year? That’s a nice gesture, right? Sure it is, it’s a great look for us and will give us some much needed positive press after last year’s unfortunate holiday post, “It’s a Jerry Sandusky kind of Thanksgiving.”

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Marcus Hayes: ‘Dario came over because he knew of Turkey coup and I have gone heat crazy’

Marcus Hayes in cooler times.

Marcus Hayes, famed columnist, sweating enthusiast for the Philadelphia Daily News and Coggin Toboggan Super Fan #1 contacted us over the weekend and said he wanted to run his latest column by us and our readers before he release it to the public. We’re fans of local journalism, so of COURSE we told him we would and let our readers be the judge.

Marcus wrote the column over this past weekend and shared his thoughts on the newly arrived Dario Saric, who left Turkey just days before the country crumbled into a massive military coup to unseat the president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

His latest column is a bit of a departure from his usual level-headed style, but perhaps just see for yourself after the jump?

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Sweat-hog Marcus Hayes really steps out on a limb with his latest piece of garbage column

Award-winning journalist, Marcus Hayes.

Marcus Hayes, professional sweater, spewed forth his latest piece of drivel and gave us this beautiful column.

“Hayes: Great move for Eagles, if Carson Wentz is great.”

You do NOT have to click on that link to get the gist of what he’s saying. Read the headline. Did you do that? Boom, you just read the entire article (which is over 1,000 words of sweat-stained drivel).

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Special Guest Columnist: Marcus Hayes

I’ll admit it, I’ve hit a wall. HIT IT. After more than 15 straight months of being the only writer on this stupid website, I’m running on empty.

So I’ll be taking a few days off for vacation (aka heroin rehab).

Luckily, several Philadelphia media personalities (and maybe even a few special guests!) we’ve written about in the past have agreed to step in, pick up the slack and write us some guest columns. It’s really nice of them to donate their time to us after we’ve mocked them in the past.

(They really haven’t, but if you can’t pick up on that you’re a moron)

We’ve given them carte blanche to write about anything they want, so please enjoy.

Up first, Marcus Hayes of the Daily News.

6a017d3bd5738f970c01bb07aedb7b970d Can someone please tell me what this website is actually about? Why I even agreed to help them out?

I mean, really, why did I agree to write something for this site after I blocked them from my Twitter feed months ago?

It’s a fake website that makes fun of me for being a fat mess.

And for the record, Chase Utley never took me out in the Phillies clubhouse with a slide to the back of my knees.

It wasn’t true. But did people care?

Of course not. People sent me that article on Twitter so much that I ate a whole wheel of American Cheese in one sitting.

It was uncomfortable. I had the curd sweats for days.

Not fun, not fun at all.

Also, do I sweat as much as this site likes to make fun of me for? I do not.

I may have a glandular problem and run through undershirts like nobodies business, even in the winter, but I don’t think that’s something to make fun of someone for.

It’s troubling…

It.

Really.

Is.

This blog gives the city a bad name and hopefully the owner will tire of his little venture and stop bothering me with fake articles about how I’m a fat, sweaty pig.

You can all go to hell.

Hogwart’s most famous duo outperforming Sixers’ by Marcus Hayes

Every once in a while The Coggin Toboggan will have an opportunity to see an article from a prominent Philadelphia journalist before it is published. This is one of those times.

A source has emailed us a column written by Marcus Hayes that will appear in a Daily News in the upcoming future. Please enjoy.

Hogwart’s Most Famous Duo Outperforming Sixers’

6a017d3bd5738f970c01bb07aedb7b970d THE QUESTION is answered before it’s fully asked.

“Large butterbeer, two shots of butterscotch.”

Hermoine Granger can order Ron Weasley’s favorite drink at the Three Broomsticks as easily as she can name the crucial components of a perfect polyjuice potion.

“Bingo!” Weasley said.

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Former Eagles QB Bobby Hoying speaks out on re-signing Sam Bradford

Ol’ Bobby Hoying knows how to have a hell of a night out on the town.

Philadelphia, PA – Last seen over a year ago after he welched on a $10,000 bet at the 2015 Wing Bowl, former Eagles quarterback Bobby Hoying made an unscheduled appearance on Philly Sports Talk Live and denounced the possibility of the Eagles re-signing that “pantywaist.”

Hoying barged onto the set during the 5:30 p.m. hour on Monday afternoon, demanding to speak on air about that “big old pussy” Sam Bradford. Hoying made Marcus Hayes give up his seat so he could sit next to host Michael Barkann, forcing him to sit on the floor for the remainder of the 10 minute segment.

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Marcus Hayes: Steve Avery killed Teresa Halbach because he didn’t have a good point guard

Preparing to share a terrible opinion on Philly Sports Talk Live.

Philadelphia, PA – Human sweat-stain Marcus Hayes, appearing on Philly Sports Talk Live, had obviously finished “Making a Murderer” over the weekend as he tied the documentary series into a rambling, incoherent argument about how Ish Smith could have prevented Jahlil Okafor from getting into several altercations in Boston.

Pouring sweat down his jowls, Hayes said “the veteran leadership of Ish Smith would have stopped Okafor from having altercations, when out in public.”

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The Coggin Toboggan living will

living-will What is up tobogganites? By the time you read this I’ll either be sitting in an outpatient surgery center or drooling on myself in a propofol induced slumber as some quack doctor shoves an endoscope down my esophagus.

Now before you fret, know that my doctor told me that his initial diagnosis for me was “Wahhhh your tum tum hurts” so I’m not too worried about what he’s going to find.

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