Les Bowen

Friday the 13th part 3, THE NEW BLOOD!

We did it earlier this year. We did it two years ago. And god damnit, since this is SUCH a successful franchise and we’re really only in it for the money, we’re going to do it again this year.

Today, of course, is Friday the 13th. Jason Voorhees is still out there, tightening his hockey mask, watching camp counselors skinny dip in the inviting waters of Camp Crystal Lake, and planning a long awaited visit to Philadelphia to hack and slash his way through the city of Brotherly Love.

For the third time, we ask the age old question: “Which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?”

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SCANDAL: Shorr-Parks admits to never attending an Eagles OTA, no journalist has

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Eliot Shorr-Parks is blowing the lid off of a massive Philadelphia sports media scandal.

In a stunning admission this morning on NJ.com, Eagles beat writer Eliot Shorr-Parks published a column apologizing to his readers after he admitted to not attending a single Eagles OTA this season, nor any over his entire journalistic career.

In fact, no sports journalist has ever attended an OTA in the past decade, he claimed.

The veteran journalist admitted to “just hanging out at a bar” for several hours each day with a number of other journalists from various city publications who were supposed to be covering the informal team workouts leading up to July training camp.

“Everything you read about OTAs in any of the newspapers in this city? All made up. Nobody actually goes to them, who would do that?” he wrote in a column published on NJ.com this morning. “We tried to cover them at first, but they’re so boring. Athletes running around in their shorts, playing catch? You try to crank out 1,000 words a day on that bullshit.”

“Where do they even hold OTAs anyways? Clearwater? No, that’s baseball…umm….Lehigh Valley? That sounds about right.”

Shorr-Parks decided to come clean this year, though, claiming he was feeling guilty about lying to his readers.

However, it’s believed he was forced to admit to his scam after accidentally publishing a screen shot from the NES classic “Tecmo Super Bowl” on his Twitter account over the weekend and trying to pass it off as action from OTAs.

“QB Eagles looks great this year! Really working hard on his touchdown celebrations,” Shorr-Parks wrote under the published photo.

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The Philadelphia Sports Gong Show

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Chuck Barris, famed host of The Gong Show and claimed CIA assassin, passed away this morning at the age of 87. Barris, a Philadelphia native and Drexel University alum, was the King of Daytime TV, also creating television mainstays The Dating Game and the Newlywed Game.

Luckily for us, death decided to give Barris a one-day only reprieve to give him a chance to host the Philadelphia Gong Show, the pinnacle of television, before he has to return to the sweet embrace of the crypt.

Taping has already concluded, but we do have a rundown of the judges and the contestants who participated in the series. Who do you think will win? Who will receive the least amount of gongs? Let’s see, shall we…

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BREAKING: Marcus Hayes responsible for Jeff McLane press box ejection

auinezeiPhiladelphia, PA – Following the ongoing story of Philadelphia Inquirer Eagles beat writer Jeff McLane being kicked out of the Eagles press box this afternoon, new details have come to light that show a Daily News reporter may have been responsible for McLane’s ejection.

Reports have come in to the Toboggan that show Daily News beat writer Marcus Hayes texted the Eagles security line with several complaints about McLane’s behavior, which is highly unusual since the security line is reserved for anonymously reporting bad fan behavior on game day.

An Eagles insider procured the texts that led to McLane’s ejection and have sent them to the Toboggan.

Here are the texts from Hayes to the Eagles security line that led to the ejection:

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In the spirit of the Thanksgiving season, it’s time for the Coggin Toboggan pardon

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What are you looking at? Gobble gobble.

Ahhhh Thanksgiving. A time for family, a time for good food and a time for visiting those weird relatives who still don’t have cable even though it’s 2016 and serve striped hard candy for dessert. You know the ones, their house smells like cat piss even though to the best of your knowledge they’ve never even owned a cat? Yeah, them. I know, they suck, but they’re lonely and nobody ever visits them, so get your ass over to their house and PLAY NICE.

Each year, the current president pardons two turkeys on the eve of Thanksgiving to keep the birds out of the slaughterhouse. Sure, it means absolutely nothing when hundreds of thousands of them are actually sent to the slaughterhouse each year, but it’s kitschy!

So it got us to thinking…why don’t we steal the idea and pardon someone we’ve given a hard time to over the past year? That’s a nice gesture, right? Sure it is, it’s a great look for us and will give us some much needed positive press after last year’s unfortunate holiday post, “It’s a Jerry Sandusky kind of Thanksgiving.”

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RumorBot 2.0 debuts and predicts the next Eagles head coach

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Definitely not RumorBot 2.0. You have to see him after the jump.

The  Coggin Toboggan engineers are some of the most dedicated employees we have at the blog. The last time we called on them they delivered HitchBot 2.0 after the first had been destroyed in the streets of Philadelphia.

They came through with flying colors and redeemed this city in its darkest hours. I mean, just look at the replacement they developed. It’s sleek, it’s sexy, and most importantly it got results.

I will mention that the Coggin Toboggan engineers did fail us one time, but we asked them to play god and no man should ever play God. The less said the better, but messing around with the human genome and trying to splice it with bald eagle DNA makes for some horrific sins against nature. We had to burn so many bodies in the dumpster behind the offices. Those inhuman shrieks will fill my soul with dread for the rest of my life. They had human eyes! Human! May God have mercy on us all.

But I digress. Every sports writer and hack sports talk radio host has been giving their best guesses as to who the Eagles will hire to be their next head coach. Will it be Doug Marrone?! Or maybe Jon Gruden will come out of retirement.

We’re sick of guesses, so we asked our engineers to develop a state-of-the-art piece of technology that would factor in every single piece of data about the available coaching candidates and be able to give us a DEFINITIVE answer as to whom the Eagles will hire to be their next coach.

The Toboggan engineers have never let us down before, so we figured we’d let them have a go at it. While we won’t tell you any of the details that went into creating the machine, we will say that what they came up for us is simply outstanding.

After the jump you’ll see RumorBot 2.0 tell us exactly who will be the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. We also ran the test for the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns.

Spoilers ahead. You have been warned.

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Les Bowen currently hiding in giant wooden crate to be shipped to Chip Kelly’s house

35Philadelphia, PA – Perhaps frustrated at being stymied for a comment by Chip Kelly’s girlfriend at their Haddonfield home, Les Bowen is currently sitting inside a stiflingly hot and stuffy wooden crate that is en route to Kelly’s house.

The veteran reporter was denied entrance into Kelly’s home last night and could not get a comment from the recently fired head coach.

A fuming Bowen reportedly came up with the ill-advised scheme early this morning after downing a fifth of Jim Bean. He forced his Daily News co-workers to stuff him inside the crate and have it immediately shipped to Kelly’s home.

Several co-workers balked at Bowen’s request to be “greased up” before squeezing into the crate.

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