Ahhhh Thanksgiving. A time for family, a time for good food and a time for visiting those weird relatives who still don’t have cable even though it’s 2016 and serve striped hard candy for dessert. You know the ones, their house smells like cat piss even though to the best of your knowledge they’ve never even owned a cat? Yeah, them. I know, they suck, but they’re lonely and nobody ever visits them, so get your ass over to their house and PLAY NICE.
Each year, the current president pardons two turkeys on the eve of Thanksgiving to keep the birds out of the slaughterhouse. Sure, it means absolutely nothing when hundreds of thousands of them are actually sent to the slaughterhouse each year, but it’s kitschy!
So it got us to thinking…why don’t we steal the idea and pardon someone we’ve given a hard time to over the past year? That’s a nice gesture, right? Sure it is, it’s a great look for us and will give us some much needed positive press after last year’s unfortunate holiday post, “It’s a Jerry Sandusky kind of Thanksgiving.”
But who shall we pardon? Whoever receives said pardon will get the remaining month of November off from ridicule, posts, articles, whatever nonsense we publish. It’s worth its weight in gold to not have to read our poorly written jokes at your expense.
Who shall it be? So many Philadelphia media members to choose from…Mike Missanelli is a strong candidate. That dumb Italian bastard has taken it on the chin from us this past year. But you know what? He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of even one week free of ridicule. What a stupid gabaganoosh.
Seth Joyner? I’d say yes, but he’d probably just go home and celebrate by hitting his kids some more.
Angelo Cataldi? He’ll be dead of a heart attack in a week anyways, so I don’t want to waste our pardon on him.
Les Bowen? We love Les Bowen at the Coggin Toboggan, he’ll always be in our good graces, he doesn’t need a pardon. YOU’RE THE MAN, LES. MY GOD, WHAT A PRESENCE!
Curt Schilling? Nah. We’re eagerly awaiting the breaking news story that’s coming in the next few weeks that reveals his affinity for giving oral sex to transexuals in mixed gender bathrooms. He calls it a “Mixed Nuts Special.” We’ll need our strength for that one.
There’s really only one man who deserves our pardon. That man, ladies and gentlemen….
…is fat-faced Marcus Hayes! We can hear you sweating from over here, Marcus. Calm down, you’ve got the pardon. Congratulations, you bloated mess, you’ve been awarded the coveted Coggin Toboggan pardon and you’ll be free from our ridicule from Nov. 24 to Dec. 1. Feel free to write as many horrendous columns with one-sentence paragraphs as you wish during this time period, you won’t hear a peep from us.
Do you think Marcus just rubs mashed potatoes into his jowls on Thanksgiving? He guzzles gravy by the gallon and by the end of the night his face is usually covered in a fine sheen of turkey grease.
Congratulations again, Marcus, you hit the jackpot. You’re a talented, swollen, morbidly obese mess, but you won’t hear us telling you that for the rest of the month. Well played.