Ahh ha! The game is afoot, dear readers, and Detective Coggin suspects the most foulest of play.
It is my theory, my friends, that Mike Missanelli, the ill-tempered 97.5 the Fanatic midday show host, was the victim of a MOST DEVIOUS scheme yesterday afternoon that has sent shockwaves through the Philadelphia region…nay….THE WORLD.
Election day is what separates this fine country from all the others in the world. It’s what this country was founded on, your right to cast a vote to decide who will lead us into the promised land. Why, our electoral process gives millions of inbred middle-American morons a voice to elect a senile, blustering, embarrassing reality TV star to the White House (ok…it may have its flaws).
But, who should we vote for, Uncle Coggin? There are so many candidates, so many fancy ballot questions that those fat cats in Washington make so hard to understand, why, I don’t know where to start!
Well I’m here to steer you through the rigorous voting landscape and offer my humble opinion on who and what you should pull the lever for today.
So please, sit back and let a middle school drop-out guide you into that voting booth, nuzzle up to your body, wrap my arms around your waist and kiss at your soft, luscious neck while we play out our sensual role in democracy.
Don’t come a knocking if that voting booth is rocking.
The Fanatic had quite a week. Harry Mayes? LET GO. Eytan Shander? LET GO. Anthony Gargano? DEMOTED. Mike Missanelli? STILL AN ASSHOLE.
By my count, the Fanatic is down to about three on-air hosts, a handful of producers, and countless ad reps desperately trying to re-up their accounts with Anthony’s Coal Fired Pizza before they catch wind of the sinking ship that is the Fanatic.
The station obviously need some new hosts, some new talent to SHAKE UP THE STATUS QUO and tweet out some new and exciting poll questions from the station’s twitter handle for fans to shit all over.
And here’s where I’d normally make a wacky and UTTERLY HILARIOUS fake resume and fake job application to throw my name into the mix for the job. It’s been done. And done again it seems. Just great stuff there. Well played Coggin.
But at this point, is it even realistic anymore to even PRETEND to want to work for the Fanatic? It’s like a curse at this point to work for the station, a horror movie come to life. Everything starts off well, but you know something terrible is going to happen to you before everything is over.
Rumor has it if you say Anthony Gargano’s name three times into a mirror he appears and hands you an iron-clad Fanatic contract and uses your toilet for 45 minutes. I don’t need that evil.
What is the Fanatic doing? Is there any actual personnel strategy to these moves, or is it simply a cost-cutting effort by the sports talk station? Has the hull been breached?
As reported by Crossing Broad, Mike Missanelli, paranoid android and 97.5 the Fanatic host, took to the airwaves last Friday afternoon and floated an extremely sane theory about how his former producer, and now 94 WIP host, Jon Marks created fake twitter accounts to criticize his show and spread rumors about the Fanatic’s annual “Fantasy Fest” event.
Missanelli discussed a rumor that “Fantasy Fest” didn’t allow women to attend. Of course women allowed to attend the event, it’s a free country, they can do what they want! Most, however, are smart enough to realize that attending an event with hundreds of BO ridden, drunken sports talk fans isn’t the most entertaining way to spend a Saturday in the summer.
Here’s Missanelli explaining to his show producers how jet fuel can’t sustain a fire hot enough to melt steel girders and how Jon Marks is ruining his life. Please note the very hip and up-to-date slang Missanelli employs to connect with a younger audience (transcript from Crossing Broad):
Mike: “I guarantee you that was started by the other station and their insecurities, because I have seen fake Twitter accounts that rip this show and laud that other show, little Skippy over there that used to be my producer, I’ve been told is behind some fake accounts.”
Tyrone: “Oh!”
Mike: “Yeah.”
Tyrone: “Really?”
Mike: “Yeah. So when you resort to creating fake accounts like Barbara Bottini, to rip the show, that shows a level of desperation. That means you’re a V.L.T.”
Natalie: “A what?”
Mike: “Very little talent.”
Natalie: “Oh”
Tyrone: “That also means that have a PhD, which is a player hater’s degree.”
Mike: “Yeah. Listen, I know you’re desperate, because you are a V.L.T. But come on, fake twitter accounts? Come on.”
I ordered a VLT at a diner the other day…mama mia, you can’t go wrong.
I decided to put on my journalism hat, Ringer style, and delve into the seedy underbelly of Twitter to identify just how many fake Twitter accounts Marks has created to rip Missanelli.
In what I thought was all just a fever dream I suffered through months ago, our collective nightmare is coming to NBC Sports Philadelphia on April 16 as the Mike Missanelli Show is debuting on the network at 2 p.m.
In case you haven’t cultivated a healthy dislike for Missanelli based purely on his voice and horrendous sports talk opinions on 97.5 the Fanatic, you now have the opportunity to hate him based on his physical appearance as well. It’s a real win-win for Philadelphia.
We are hearing a strong rumor that Dwayne from Swedesboro will be the first caller to the new show to wish Mike a long and successful broadcast run.
The show will run until 5 p.m. and will feature producer Tyrone Johnson and update anchor Natalie Egenolf, who I’m assuming was the real selling point for the visual medium movement of the show.
NBC Sports Philadelphia and 97.5 the Fanatic announced yesterday that Mike Missanelli will be the host of an afternoon show on NBC Sports Philadelphia beginning in 2018. According to a tweet from the station, NBC Sports Philadelphia will simulcast Missanelli’s show each afternoon and will be followed by Philly Sports Talk at 5 p.m.
In related news, I’m very much looking forward to reading NBC Sports Philadelphia’s February 2018 press release about the show being cancelled.
Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYY is this needed on television? Were fans of Mike Missanelli’s radio show clamoring to see his gigantic noggin on their television screen every afternoon? Isn’t that one of the positives to listening to Missanelli,? You don’t have to look at him? I’m pretty sure that was one of the station’s taglines for his show….”Listen to the Mike Missanelli show every afternoon on 97.5 the Fanatic…at least you don’t have to look at him.”
Decades old JFK Files were released to the public yesterday, long censored by the government and released for public consumption for the first time since John F. Kennedy’s assassination on Nov. 22, 1963.
We love a good conspiracy theory at the Coggin, and after we dug through THOUSANDS of files, we started to notice something, well, a bit off.
A series of newly released photos immediately prior to JFK’s assassination and immediately after show a lone figure that had previously been cropped out of the images. These photos, which were censored by the U.S. government, are the biggest break in the case since Lee Harvey Oswald was arrested.
It is our theory that 97.5 the Fanatic afternoon host Mike Missanelli had a hand in the cover up of the JFK assassination.
Seems implausible? Take a look at this photo of JFK driving through Dealey Plaza moments before he was shot after the jump.
Well, well well. What do we have here? A job opening with 97.5 the Fanatic to be the station’s next programming director? The hunter has become the hunted.
Is there anyone better suited for this position than myself? A blogger with absolutely no experience producing radio programming? A former glue sniffing addict with nothing but a shoddy professional journalism background to lean on? I SUBMIT TO YOU THAT THERE IS NOT.
Sure, I know some employees at the station have recently called me a “coward” and a “joke” on social media, but when I’m the program director they’ll soon learn the meaning of respect through my patented managerial technique of childish name calling and intermittent, girlish sobbing in the men’s room.
I do know that the station needs more discipline. Do you think anyone is going to be taking time off from work to hang out in something called the Meatlocker? NOT ON MY WATCH, YOU AIN’T. That’s valuable Twitter poll publishing time, amigo.
I get it, though. I really do. I’m not deaf to my critics.
They said, “Hey, you tear down, but you never build up. You’re always criticizing, but never offering any solutions. And you’re incredibly handsome and talented, so we’re really just saying all of these mean things out of jealousy.”
You know what? They’re absolutely right. I don’t revel in anyone losing their position at the station, but this is a great opportunity to do some good. I can’t be a blogger for the rest of my life.
This is a chance to work alongside some of the greats in the sports talk radio industry, like…well, no, Tony Bruno isn’t there anymore…but, well, ummm…well it’s a chance to work in the industry!
IT’S TIME TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION INSTEAD OF CONSTANTLY BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM.
I am going to take that studio by the horns and mold it into my own unique image. I’ll be a benevolent, kind ruler, doling out wisdom to the peons worthy of my ruminations as they grovel at my feet and I smite my enemies.
Let’s see what the position entails and why I’m the perfect applicant:
This week Stephen King’s horrifying “It” opens in theaters on Friday and the Philadelphia Eagles open their 2017 season this Sunday against the Washington Redskins.
One is a terrifying franchise that has haunted the dreams of its fervent fanbase for decades, and the other is movie about a nightmarish clown.
Now, to the untrained eye, neither of these two things have much in common. But, for the desperate blogger who has already run out of ideas, MAYBE THEY DO?!
If you’re unfamiliar with the novel, an evil spirit appears to children as Pennywise the Clown, who lures them to their doom in a sewer or transforms into their worst nightmare to murder them. So, if you’re scared of werewolves, he’ll appear as a werewolf. If you’re scared of draculas, he’ll appear as a dracula.
What if Pennywise the Clown was real and decided to terrorize the Eagles, what would he appear as? What do the Eagles fear most?
Maybe we should take a look.
The hunter has become the hunted.
Look who has come crawling to the Coggin on their hands and knees, practically BEGGING for an infusion of talent for their dying station. Our tipsters forwarded this job opening to us this morning….you think you could keep something as huge as this quiet without us knowing, Fanatic? We see all…we are all.
Job opening: 97.5 the Fanatic On-Air Midday Host.
I weep for those who plan to send in an application. The job is mine. Case closed. Can you imagine The Coggin infiltrating the 97.5 Fanatic offices? Mike Missanelli will be cowering under my boot heels within the hour.
I would hold the very position Rob Ellis once held….OH SWEET IRONY. One host a spineless, jellyfish of a man and the other a human dynamo with overflowing charisma and fabulous hair…fathers lock up your daughters, no pair of panties will go unsoaked as I strut to the studios every afternoon (I apologize profusely to any woman who had to read that last sentence).
Much like the leaflets dropped on Dresden prior to its firebombing (timely reference) I’m giving everyone at 97.5 the Fanatic fair warning that I will be applying for the position and I will be hired. Don’t like it? TAKE IT UP WITH MANAGEMENT. I’ll rule the station with an iron fist, but I will be a benevolent ruler. Anyone ever hear of a little something called Wacky Hat Wednesday?
Let’s go through the job requirements one by one after the jump.
The Coggin Toboggan 