This week Stephen King’s horrifying “It” opens in theaters on Friday and the Philadelphia Eagles open their 2017 season this Sunday against the Washington Redskins.
One is a terrifying franchise that has haunted the dreams of its fervent fanbase for decades, and the other is movie about a nightmarish clown.
Now, to the untrained eye, neither of these two things have much in common. But, for the desperate blogger who has already run out of ideas, MAYBE THEY DO?!
If you’re unfamiliar with the novel, an evil spirit appears to children as Pennywise the Clown, who lures them to their doom in a sewer or transforms into their worst nightmare to murder them. So, if you’re scared of werewolves, he’ll appear as a werewolf. If you’re scared of draculas, he’ll appear as a dracula.
What if Pennywise the Clown was real and decided to terrorize the Eagles, what would he appear as? What do the Eagles fear most?
Maybe we should take a look.
Team leader Nelson Agholor can’t wait to mentor Alshon Jeffery, Torrey Smith.
Philadelphia, PA – Nelson Agholor met with the media yesterday after news broke that the Eagles had signed wide receivers Alshon Jeffery and Torrey Smith and said he “couldn’t wait to mentor the new guys” when they arrived in the city.
When asked what he first thought of the signings when the news broke on social media, Agholor said he was excited to see the competition between Jeffery and Smith for the number two wide receiver spot on the team’s depth chart.
“Are you kidding me? Either of those guys would be perfect number twos on this team. One of them is going to have to settle for that third spot though, but it should be a hell of a competition. I can’t wait to open up the field for those guys,” Agholor said.
Ho ho ho! The Eagles stink and it’s all your fault!
Hey! We actually got ALL of our Eagles picks right last week when we predicted the Eagles would not only lose to the Ravens, but would cover the spread as well. WE’RE ON A ROLL NOW, BUDDY BOY, JUST CALL ME COOL DR. MONEY CAUSE I’M MAKING STACKS UPON STACKS.
Oh, I’m sorry, our guest pickers are on fire (how long do I have to keep up this charade?)
Tonight the Eagles (5-9) will try not to make the bile rise in everyone’s throats throughout the Delaware Valley when they take on the NFC East rival NY Giants (10-4), with the
G-Men -2.5 point favorites.
But wait a second….what’s that I hear? Is that reindeer hooves up on the roof of the Coggin Toboggan offices, or just the thousands upon thousands of rats that call our facilities home?
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see who is making our picks this week….
He’s living a much happier life now.
Philadelphia, PA – After several repeated inquiries from teammates and coaches prior to tonight’s game against the Green Bay Packers, Eagles Head Coach Doug Pederson is reportedly telling those who ask about Nelson Agholor that the young, troubled wide receiver has been sent to live on a farm in upstate Pennsylvania.
“We thought Nelson needed some room to run, to play, and to live free on a big lovely farm. Plenty of space for him to prance and live his life away from the prying eyes of the media and disappointed coaches,” Pederson said.
Our thoughts exactly, Greg.
At this point in the Eagles season I need to take a long, hard look at what I’m doing with my free time. Wasting four hours of my life to watch the Eagles fuck their way through an afternoon shouldn’t be an option anymore. Just imagine what I could have done with those four hours…I could have re-caulked my bathroom appliances, taken a nap, soundproofed my sex dungeon…anything would have been better than watching Nelson Agholor have a stroke on the field in front of a national TV audience.
Maybe we should slowly start transitioning ourselves over to a politics based website?
DID YOU SEE WHAT TRUMP TWEETED? What a prick! Hey, we’re halfway there.
The face that launched a thousand buckets of puke yesterday.
My kid has had the stomach flu since Wednesday. This house has been filled with puke, shit, tears, and all sorts of horrendous bodily fluids since early last week, some of them even from him.
Whether or not the puking/shitting was caused by him actually watching the first quarter of the game with me is yet to be determined.
Good LORD that was terrible. Doug Pederson basically had a stroke on the sidelines and decided to leave 6-points on the field in a crucial NFC East game and now the Eagles are where they belong, in the mother fucking basement.
Cool hat, bro.
Nelson Agholor is dangerously close to wearing his welcome out in Philadelphia. Another week, another series of soul-crushing drops from the city’s most despised wide receiver.
You know what? Nelson doesn’t let it bother him. Nah, why would he? He just brushes off the drops, goes on to run his next route (and probably drop that pass as well), and (most likely) hits up a strip club after the game despite warnings from teammates and franchise officials.
But how DARE anyone ask Nelly about the drops after the game. He doesn’t cotton to that nonsense. Nelly pretty much punched his ticket out of town after the year ends by criticizing a reporter for asking him to address his case of dropsies that has plagued him all year.
Compare Nelly’s reaction to pressure to that of Wade Phillips, 69-year-old defensive coordinator of the Denver Broncos who absolutely got TRUCKED on the sideline of yesterday’s game against the Chargers, who took his lumps with aplomb and good grace.
Let’s compare the results of both Agholor and Phillip’s horrendous days at the office and how they affected the fanbases and teams.
I’m not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport!
Please listen to the song after the page break at full blast while reading. Yes it is obligatory, do not read until you listen to this at least 10 times to get in the proper mood to read an article from an ignorant American who is tired of being in Europe.
The Coggin Toboggan has gone to Europe. Coming at you LIVE (not live) from Copenhagen, Denmark.
Philadelphia, PA – Nelson Agholor, Eagles wide receiver draft pick out of USC, expressed his excitement to finally get to camp next week and enjoy a little bit of mother nature.
“I heard they have this awesome rope swing that totally swing you out over a pond and launches you like 100 feet up into the air. I’m definitely going to do that first. And then I’m going to go over to the archery range and check that out. I bet I’ll be super, super good at it. I kick butt with my Nerf set at home,” Agholor said.