This week Stephen King’s horrifying “It” opens in theaters on Friday and the Philadelphia Eagles open their 2017 season this Sunday against the Washington Redskins.
One is a terrifying franchise that has haunted the dreams of its fervent fanbase for decades, and the other is movie about a nightmarish clown.
Now, to the untrained eye, neither of these two things have much in common. But, for the desperate blogger who has already run out of ideas, MAYBE THEY DO?!
If you’re unfamiliar with the novel, an evil spirit appears to children as Pennywise the Clown, who lures them to their doom in a sewer or transforms into their worst nightmare to murder them. So, if you’re scared of werewolves, he’ll appear as a werewolf. If you’re scared of draculas, he’ll appear as a dracula.
What if Pennywise the Clown was real and decided to terrorize the Eagles, what would he appear as? What do the Eagles fear most?
Maybe we should take a look.
Worst Fear: An atheist with good points.
Poor Carson. Nothing freaks out the god fearing more than an atheist who can really wedge that seed of doubt into your mind. Nobody wants to be thinking about how Noah was able to get two of every species into a wooden ark that only he and his wife built when looking down the barrel of an all-out blitz. It’s libel to get you killed, or at least paralyzed. Keep the faith, Carson.
Worst Fear: Better poolside video surveillance cameras at Miami resorts.
Nothing worse than crystal clear surveillance cameras at a Miami resort to show you visibly beating a cabana boy close to death (allegedly) because he didn’t get your umbrella fast enough. By the way, is there anything more embarrassing than getting into a fight over a cabana boy not getting your umbrella fast enough? Did he also not lotion up your back quick enough, Nigel? OJ was at least arrested and charged with the murder of his wife, Bradham was arrested and charged with felony battery for beating up a 105 pound, skimpily clad cabana boy for not showing enough hustle with his umbrella. Bradham wouldn’t last a day in prison. HUMILIATING.
Worst Fear: A perfectly placed slant with everything on the line.
“Two minutes left, Eagles down 21-23 to the Redskins, ball at their own 40, third and 10, there’s the snap, Wentz drops back, he fires across the middle to WIDE OPEN Nelson Agholor….AND HE DROPS IT! HE DROPPED IT! He had nothing but daylight between him and the endzone if he caught that one, Mike, but instead a surefire touchdown results in the young mans sixth drop of the day. Oh my…he has brought shame and disgrace on his family name for generations to come.”
“You’re absolutely right, Merril. He is garbage and I just threw up in my mouth. DISGRACEFUL.”
Worst Fear: Whatever donkey piss he’s streamlining into his veins is tested for by the NFL this season.
He’d have to go to an even shadier Mexican PEDs dealer and get even shadier donkey piss. Go clean, Lane. We don’t want you waking up in a bathtub filled with ice minus two kidneys.
Worst Fear: Chip Kelly
“Hey Howie, who let you up from the basement. Why don’t you go back down there with the other nerds. AND SIGN ME BYRON MAXWELL, GOD DAMNIT, YOU LOSER.”
The Coggin Toboggan
Worst Fear: Mike Missanelli finding my home address.
Just horrifying. Can you imagine that pasty faced monster waiting in your bushes when you come home? Hair plugs and sharp elbows just coming at you in a wave of Acqua Di Gio. HORRIBLE.