Carson Wentz

I blame Angelo Cataldi’s Los Angeles trip for Carson Wentz’s knee injury

Last week, either Thursday or Friday, I had the unpleasurable experience of not having the little device that allows you to plug your iPhone 7 into a normal auxiliary cable. You know what I’m talking about, the little connector doohickey that you lose 800 times a week and makes you CURSE THE GODS that Apple has no idea what their consumers want.

Rather than being left alone with my tortured thoughts for 20 minutes, against my better judgement I turned on the WIP morning show (and secretly hoped it would be in the middle of a commercial break so I would come to my senses and turn off the radio) and was BLASTED by Angelo Cataldi’s shrill voice, cackling about his plans for a trip to the west coast to watch the Eagles take on the Rams in a “complete and utter lock” of a game.

Al Morganti temporarily roused himself from his paint-huffing induced stupor and asked Cataldi if he remembered the last time he actually attended an Eagles game in person.

“Not since the Vet,” Cataldi grunted into the microphone.

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This is the part of the Eagles season where Michael Myers sits up

It’s a few days after the Eagles defeated their toughest challenge on the season, the 4-1 Carolina Panthers, by a score of 28 to 23. The roster is flying high. Everyone is feeling good. Nothing can stop them.

And Michael Myers is lurking with his butchers knife, just waiting to pop out nowhere and ruin everyone’s shit. But, like in every one of those movies, there’s always a hero that sends him back to hell. Does this franchise finally have their “final girl” (the moniker given to the final survivor in a slasher movie, typically a young, busty, virginal blonde) in Carson Wentz?

I say yes.

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What happens when Andy Reid beats the Eagles in Super Bowl LII?

Dateline: FEB. 4, 2018. Minneapolis, Minn. 10:37 p.m.

Joe Buck: “Harrison Butker lines up from the 20, a 37 yard field goal to send the Chiefs home with the Lombardi trophy…two seconds remaining, Eagles 24, Chiefs 23. Remember, this Chiefs drive started from their own 2 yard line with just 2 minutes remaining. A brilliant drive from Alex Smith and the Chiefs, with some tremendous play calling from Reid, perfect use of his three remaining timeouts.

Troy Aikman: “Just an unbelievable job from Smith and Reid to put the Chiefs in this position.”

Buck: “This for the game. The snap is good…the kick is up…anddddddddddd…..IT’S GOOD! AND THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE YOUR SUPER BOWL LII CHAMPIONS, BEATING THE EAGLES BY A SCORE OF 23 TO 24. OH MY.”

Aikman: “And it couldn’t have happened to a better coach than Andy Reid, against the team he began his head coaching career with. Finally answering the criticisms and getting over the hump, tolling the bell with a masterful, clock eating drive. Using all of his remaining timeouts in brilliant fashion. Just a perfectly called final two minutes by Reid to become the 2018 NFL champions. Oh my.”

I have had a vision. I have foreseen how I will die.

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Pennywise the Dancing Clown and the Eagles, a perfect match

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This week Stephen King’s horrifying “It” opens in theaters on Friday and the Philadelphia Eagles open their 2017 season this Sunday against the Washington Redskins.

One is a terrifying franchise that has haunted the dreams of its fervent fanbase for decades, and the other is movie about a nightmarish clown.

Now, to the untrained eye, neither of these two things have much in common. But, for the desperate blogger who has already run out of ideas, MAYBE THEY DO?!

If you’re unfamiliar with the novel, an evil spirit appears to children as Pennywise the Clown, who lures them to their doom in a sewer or transforms into their worst nightmare to murder them. So, if you’re scared of werewolves, he’ll appear as a werewolf. If you’re scared of draculas, he’ll appear as a dracula.

What if Pennywise the Clown was real and decided to terrorize the Eagles, what would he appear as? What do the Eagles fear most?

Maybe we should take a look.

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An Eagles season and the five stages of grief

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In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler published her seminal book on death and dying, titled…err…”On Death and Dying,” which first put forth the idea of the “Five Stages of Grief.” While working with terminally ill patients, Kubler observed that patients typically traveled through “five stages” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have become the widely accepted stages of terminally ill patients and has been expanded to people going through traumatic or life changing events. While the stages may be different for each individual, the theory has proven to be a valuable tool in helping those coping with tremendous stress and anxiety in their lives.

Sounds like an Eagles fan to me.

After years of great wailing and gnashing of teeth watching the Eagles flounder through season after season, I’ve identified the classic five stages every fan experiences watching one of the most inept franchises in the NFL fuck its way through lost season after lost season.

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SHOCKING: Rhys Hoskins, newest Phillies call-up, can’t recall Eagles 2016 record

 

MiLB: JUL 26 Florida State League - Bradenton Marauders at Clearwater Threshers

Rhys Hoskins is already in hot water with Philadelphia (photo credit: MLB.com)

The Rhys Hoskins era is already off to a tenuous start in Philadelphia.

The eagerly anticipated Phillies call-up fielded questions from reporters this morning, but the first baseman/left fielder found himself in hot water after failing to correctly answer a fluff question from Phillies field reporter Gregg Murphy about the 2016 Eagles record.

“The Eagles start their preseason tonight against the Green Bay Packers, how do you think they’ll do this year?” Murph casually asked the 24-year-old slugger prior to his first organized practice with the team.

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Larsen C ice shelf commits suicide after overhearing 97.5 Fanatic segment on Carson Wentz and religion

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An ice shelf the size of Delaware broke itself off from Antarctica yesterday, scientists at the Swansea University-led Midas project confirmed, releasing a gigantic iceberg twice the size of Luxembourg into the surround waters.

Theories of the ice shelf’s disintegration over the past decades have been discussed leading global representatives, but the Swansea University Midas project scientists confirmed this morning that the shelf purposefully broke itself off the frigid continent after overhearing an asinine sports talk segment from the local Philadelphia 97.5 the Fanatic sports talk station.

The environmental disaster has been placed firmly at the feet of 97.5 the Fanatic, its midday host Mike Missanelli, and it’s poor choice of show programming.

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