Carson Wentz

An Eagles season and the five stages of grief

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In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler published her seminal book on death and dying, titled…err…”On Death and Dying,” which first put forth the idea of the “Five Stages of Grief.” While working with terminally ill patients, Kubler observed that patients typically traveled through “five stages” after being diagnosed with a terminal illness.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance have become the widely accepted stages of terminally ill patients and has been expanded to people going through traumatic or life changing events. While the stages may be different for each individual, the theory has proven to be a valuable tool in helping those coping with tremendous stress and anxiety in their lives.

Sounds like an Eagles fan to me.

After years of great wailing and gnashing of teeth watching the Eagles flounder through season after season, I’ve identified the classic five stages every fan experiences watching one of the most inept franchises in the NFL fuck its way through lost season after lost season.

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SHOCKING: Rhys Hoskins, newest Phillies call-up, can’t recall Eagles 2016 record

 

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Rhys Hoskins is already in hot water with Philadelphia (photo credit: MLB.com)

The Rhys Hoskins era is already off to a tenuous start in Philadelphia.

The eagerly anticipated Phillies call-up fielded questions from reporters this morning, but the first baseman/left fielder found himself in hot water after failing to correctly answer a fluff question from Phillies field reporter Gregg Murphy about the 2016 Eagles record.

“The Eagles start their preseason tonight against the Green Bay Packers, how do you think they’ll do this year?” Murph casually asked the 24-year-old slugger prior to his first organized practice with the team.

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Larsen C ice shelf commits suicide after overhearing 97.5 Fanatic segment on Carson Wentz and religion

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An ice shelf the size of Delaware broke itself off from Antarctica yesterday, scientists at the Swansea University-led Midas project confirmed, releasing a gigantic iceberg twice the size of Luxembourg into the surround waters.

Theories of the ice shelf’s disintegration over the past decades have been discussed leading global representatives, but the Swansea University Midas project scientists confirmed this morning that the shelf purposefully broke itself off the frigid continent after overhearing an asinine sports talk segment from the local Philadelphia 97.5 the Fanatic sports talk station.

The environmental disaster has been placed firmly at the feet of 97.5 the Fanatic, its midday host Mike Missanelli, and it’s poor choice of show programming.

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Would anyone from Philadelphia survive a John Wick assassination attempt?

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Yeah, I’m thinking the Coggin is back.

No. No they would not. God damnit I watched John Wick 2 last night and I’m still all FIZZED up over it. Good action movies are so hard to make, but somehow the John Wick franchise still finds fresh ways to keep itself relevant, which is a challenge considering it’s just two hours of a guy running around the world killing people with handguns.

It had every trope I love in a great action movie: a hall of mirrors, hitmen with various fighting styles, gentlemanly agreements, it couldn’t have been better.

I was so pumped up from watching the movie last night that I tried to put my wife in a modified rear naked choke, but she stabbed me in the leg with a fork (all the way to the bone) and warned me not to start something I couldn’t finish. God I love her.

But it got me thinking…would anyone involved in the sports landscape of this city be able to survive with The Baba Yaga himself stalking them? No, no they wouldn’t, but would anyone be able to fight him off enough to deserve a death with dignity? Not in this city.

And yes, I’m fully aware this is a dumb, sports talk radio premise of a column (HEY, WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD SURVIVE?! VOTE IN OUR POLL NOW) but I don’t care. I’m still filled with piss and vinegar from watching that movie.

So who who would stand the best chance? We’re assuming Wick has only his bare fists to get the job done and his targets have ONE non-gun weapon of their choice to defend themselves.

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The Eagles have zero Super Bowls, but let’s all freak out about Kelly Green jerseys

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Randall Cunningham is rolling over in his grave with all this nonsense about the Eagles jerseys.

No city in America is more obsessed with a uniform color scheme than the mouth-breathing Eagles fans who are preoccupied beyond measure for their beloved Kelly Green. Only this city could be head over heels for a fictional boxer and a color that hasn’t been used for decades.

This is where you should certainly draw a line in the sand, Jeffrey Lurie, the stupid color for the jerseys. Fight to bring them back as alternate uniforms, that’s ideally what you and the organization should be focusing on. The Eagles are .500 since the 2010 and haven’t won a playoff game since 2008…..BUT THEY’RE BRINGING BACK THE KELLY GREENS!

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Friday the 13th Part 2, in 3D! Who lives, who dies?

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Elite strength and height, but need to work on speed to reach his potential.

Two years ago, The Coggin Toboggan delved into a fabulous question on Friday the 13th…which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?

Well guess what, it’s Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees is out there, somewhere, in wait with his machete and shining up his hockey mask real nice to create some havoc in the City of Brotherly Love.

Like every great series, the sequel is BIGGER AND BETTER than the original, so let’s take a look at some Philadelphia sports figures and see if they would survive in a Friday the 13th movie, and if they don’t we’ll take a look at how they would meet their maker in a old-school 3D horror movie.

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Who will make our Eagles picks this week?

oldmanwinterHere’s the portion of this weekly column where we tell you that we suck at picking these games. We do. We really suck. At least last week we were able to predict that the Eagles would lose to the Redskins, but of course we thought they would cover. Fuck me running.

This week the Eagles (5-8) take on the Baltimore Ravens (7-6). Interesting note, I used to cover Evesham Township for a local newspaper and their mayor, Randy Brown, is a kicking specialist for the Ravens. He hooked me up with an interview with head coach John Harbaugh and he was AWESOME. He didn’t have to take time out of his schedule to field questions from a little shit dick paper in New Jersey during the season, but he did anyway.

I do hope my best friend John Harbaugh has a good weekend taking on this pathetic football team.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter what I think, but what our special guest picker of the week thinks. That being said, who is making our picks this week?

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