In retrospect, we should have seen it coming. The signs could not have been more clear. Everything pointed to a down season for the Eagles, the vaunted “Super Bowl hangover” that seems to plague every Super Bowl Champion outside of Foxboro.
But we turned our heads. We ignored it. We pointed to the beefed up defensive line, a healthy Sidney Jones, a largely intact and returning offense, and Big Balls Doug Pederson leading us back to the promised land.
We put the blinders on. We ignored Carson Wentz coming back from a devastating knee injury. We ignored Alshon Jeffery coming back from a devastating shoulder injury. We ignored Brandon Graham coming back from a devastating ankle injury. We ignored Jason Peters coming back from a devastating Achilles injury. We ignored Darren Sproles coming back from a devastating leg and knee injury. We ignored a spine injury to Tim Jernigan. A spine injury!
If you’ve never seen the 1998 Gwyneth Paltrow classic “Sliding Doors” you’re doing yourself quite the disservice. The movie focuses on a woman rushing to catch a train in the London tube (because this movie is so very properly British), and follows separate realities of the woman based on if she had caught or missed the train.
SPOILER: She dies in one of the realities and lives in the other. I don’t remember which one, but despite what you’re all thinking she is not hit by a train in one of the realities. That would have made for a better movie, but who am I criticize the creative choices of Ms. Paltrow?
Either way, it explores an interesting wrinkle I’m sure we’ve all thought about. What if we had taken another career path? What if we had stayed at that party for another 15 minutes and met our soulmate instead of leaving early to go home and drink by ourselves and pass out on our couch at 1 a.m.?
Watching Marcus Mariota bumblefuck his way around the field on Sunday against a piece of garbage Miami Dolphins team and throw bad pass after bad pass made me stop for a moment and consider the path of the Eagles franchise if chubby, no-huddle guru Chip Kelly had actually pulled the trigger on a deal to bring Mariota to the Eagles before the 2015 draft.
“There’s a sucker born every minute, and they’ll all call my radio show if I say something controversial about Carson Wentz and the Eagles.”
I know, I know. I’ve seen Angelo Cataldi’s tweet about Carson Wentz and Nick Foles this morning too. It’s crazy right? Doesn’t it make you furious that someone could be trumpeting this OUTRAGEOUS line of thinking just a mere month after the Eagles finally won a Super Bowl?! It’s infuriating, and I bet you can’t WAIT to give him a piece of your mind.
But, before you fire up the twitter accounts and lob some well-deserved insults Cataldi’s way, I’d like you to first take a breath, step away from your keyboard, and give this question some deep, deep thought.
Do you really think he believes this nonsense?
Of course he doesn’t.
Angelo Cataldi is the jowly, tepid Philadelphia sports talk radio version of P.T. Barnum, and he knows how to play this city and its fans like a fiddle to line his own coffers.
NBC Sports Philadelphia and 97.5 the Fanatic announced yesterday that Mike Missanelli will be the host of an afternoon show on NBC Sports Philadelphia beginning in 2018. According to a tweet from the station, NBC Sports Philadelphia will simulcast Missanelli’s show each afternoon and will be followed by Philly Sports Talk at 5 p.m.
In related news, I’m very much looking forward to reading NBC Sports Philadelphia’s February 2018 press release about the show being cancelled.
Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYY is this needed on television? Were fans of Mike Missanelli’s radio show clamoring to see his gigantic noggin on their television screen every afternoon? Isn’t that one of the positives to listening to Missanelli,? You don’t have to look at him? I’m pretty sure that was one of the station’s taglines for his show….”Listen to the Mike Missanelli show every afternoon on 97.5 the Fanatic…at least you don’t have to look at him.”
Last week, either Thursday or Friday, I had the unpleasurable experience of not having the little device that allows you to plug your iPhone 7 into a normal auxiliary cable. You know what I’m talking about, the little connector doohickey that you lose 800 times a week and makes you CURSE THE GODS that Apple has no idea what their consumers want.
Rather than being left alone with my tortured thoughts for 20 minutes, against my better judgement I turned on the WIP morning show (and secretly hoped it would be in the middle of a commercial break so I would come to my senses and turn off the radio) and was BLASTED by Angelo Cataldi’s shrill voice, cackling about his plans for a trip to the west coast to watch the Eagles take on the Rams in a “complete and utter lock” of a game.
Al Morganti temporarily roused himself from his paint-huffing induced stupor and asked Cataldi if he remembered the last time he actually attended an Eagles game in person.
“Not since the Vet,” Cataldi grunted into the microphone.
It’s a few days after the Eagles defeated their toughest challenge on the season, the 4-1 Carolina Panthers, by a score of 28 to 23. The roster is flying high. Everyone is feeling good. Nothing can stop them.
And Michael Myers is lurking with his butchers knife, just waiting to pop out nowhere and ruin everyone’s shit. But, like in every one of those movies, there’s always a hero that sends him back to hell. Does this franchise finally have their “final girl” (the moniker given to the final survivor in a slasher movie, typically a young, busty, virginal blonde) in Carson Wentz?
I say yes.
Dateline: FEB. 4, 2018. Minneapolis, Minn. 10:37 p.m.
Joe Buck: “Harrison Butker lines up from the 20, a 37 yard field goal to send the Chiefs home with the Lombardi trophy…two seconds remaining, Eagles 24, Chiefs 23. Remember, this Chiefs drive started from their own 2 yard line with just 2 minutes remaining. A brilliant drive from Alex Smith and the Chiefs, with some tremendous play calling from Reid, perfect use of his three remaining timeouts.
Troy Aikman: “Just an unbelievable job from Smith and Reid to put the Chiefs in this position.”
Buck: “This for the game. The snap is good…the kick is up…anddddddddddd…..IT’S GOOD! AND THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE YOUR SUPER BOWL LII CHAMPIONS, BEATING THE EAGLES BY A SCORE OF 23 TO 24. OH MY.”
Aikman: “And it couldn’t have happened to a better coach than Andy Reid, against the team he began his head coaching career with. Finally answering the criticisms and getting over the hump, tolling the bell with a masterful, clock eating drive. Using all of his remaining timeouts in brilliant fashion. Just a perfectly called final two minutes by Reid to become the 2018 NFL champions. Oh my.”
I have had a vision. I have foreseen how I will die.