Shayne Gostisbehere

Would anyone from Philadelphia survive a John Wick assassination attempt?
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Yeah, I’m thinking the Coggin is back.

No. No they would not. God damnit I watched John Wick 2 last night and I’m still all FIZZED up over it. Good action movies are so hard to make, but somehow the John Wick franchise still finds fresh ways to keep itself relevant, which is a challenge considering it’s just two hours of a guy running around the world killing people with handguns.

It had every trope I love in a great action movie: a hall of mirrors, hitmen with various fighting styles, gentlemanly agreements, it couldn’t have been better.

I was so pumped up from watching the movie last night that I tried to put my wife in a modified rear naked choke, but she stabbed me in the leg with a fork (all the way to the bone) and warned me not to start something I couldn’t finish. God I love her.

But it got me thinking…would anyone involved in the sports landscape of this city be able to survive with The Baba Yaga himself stalking them? No, no they wouldn’t, but would anyone be able to fight him off enough to deserve a death with dignity? Not in this city.

And yes, I’m fully aware this is a dumb, sports talk radio premise of a column (HEY, WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD SURVIVE?! VOTE IN OUR POLL NOW) but I don’t care. I’m still filled with piss and vinegar from watching that movie.

So who who would stand the best chance? We’re assuming Wick has only his bare fists to get the job done and his targets have ONE non-gun weapon of their choice to defend themselves.

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Dave Hakstol excited to really dick around Nolan Patrick or Nico Hischier next season

051915_hakstol-dave_600After the miraculous fall of the ping-pong balls that netted the Philadelphia Flyers the #2 overall draft pick in the 2017 NHL draft, Flyers head coach Dave Hakstol noted his excitement at having a top-notch prospect he could dick around for the entirety of the 2017-2018 season.

The Flyers will likely select either centers Nolan Patrick or Nico Hischier, two sublimely talented young forwards that Hakstol said would “most certainly” be scratched for 40 to 50 games next season in favor of far less talented forwards on the roster.

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Dave Hakstol reports Shayne Gostisbehere to FBI for running March Madness pool

051915_hakstol-dave_600Talented Flyers defenseman Shayne Gostisbehere was seen being escorted out of the Flyers practice facility in handcuffs this morning, as several federal agents led him to an unmarked black van as head coach Dave Hakstol looked on disapprovingly.

Gostibehere’s running afoul of the FBI was reportedly Hakstol’s doing, as the head coach made several calls to the federal agency earlier this week to make them aware of Gostibehere’s involvement running an NCAA March Madness pool for his teammates.

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Conshohocken Brewing announces Zach Ertz beer following success of Ghost Bear Ale
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The “Ertz Not-So Stout”

The local Conshohocken Brewing Company has made quite a splash today, as the brewery announced it would begin production on another beer brewed with a Philadelphia athlete in mind.

Beer aficionados and Philadelphia sports fans were abuzz this morning as the local brewery announced cans of its “Ghost Bear Golden Ale” would be available at several locations throughout Pennsylvania. Ghost Bear, of course, is the nickname of popular Flyers defenseman Shayne Gostisbehere.

Conshohocken Brewing Company announced it had also begun brewing a beer in honor of Eagles tight-end Zach Ertz.

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Flyers horrified to realize Philadelphia’s hopes now rest entirely on them

giroux-upsetPhiladelphia, PA – An eerie feeling came over the Flyers Skate Zone yesterday, almost as if every single active member of the roster suddenly realized that without the Eagles to occupy most of the city’s attention, they would now be the prime source of hope and attention for the city’s rabid fan base.

An ashen faced Claude Giroux addressed the media after a sloppy practice, where it was evident the entire team had reached the same epiphany and were already crumbling under the weight of Philadelphia’s expectations.

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