Maikel Franco

Would anyone from Philadelphia survive a John Wick assassination attempt?

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Yeah, I’m thinking the Coggin is back.

No. No they would not. God damnit I watched John Wick 2 last night and I’m still all FIZZED up over it. Good action movies are so hard to make, but somehow the John Wick franchise still finds fresh ways to keep itself relevant, which is a challenge considering it’s just two hours of a guy running around the world killing people with handguns.

It had every trope I love in a great action movie: a hall of mirrors, hitmen with various fighting styles, gentlemanly agreements, it couldn’t have been better.

I was so pumped up from watching the movie last night that I tried to put my wife in a modified rear naked choke, but she stabbed me in the leg with a fork (all the way to the bone) and warned me not to start something I couldn’t finish. God I love her.

But it got me thinking…would anyone involved in the sports landscape of this city be able to survive with The Baba Yaga himself stalking them? No, no they wouldn’t, but would anyone be able to fight him off enough to deserve a death with dignity? Not in this city.

And yes, I’m fully aware this is a dumb, sports talk radio premise of a column (HEY, WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD SURVIVE?! VOTE IN OUR POLL NOW) but I don’t care. I’m still filled with piss and vinegar from watching that movie.

So who who would stand the best chance? We’re assuming Wick has only his bare fists to get the job done and his targets have ONE non-gun weapon of their choice to defend themselves.

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Just give in and #embracethesuck with the Phillies

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Odubel Herrera HEROICALLY being thrown out by 50-feet last night. (photo credit: Deadspin.com)

Last night the Phillies blew a 5-0 lead against the Cardinals and didn’t even have the decency for their fans to lose in the 9th inning. After a game tying home run in the ninth, they proceeded to lumber into extra innings and shit all over themselves.

After a balk, a wild throw on a pick off attempt, the ignoring of a stop sign which resulted in the winning run being thrown out by 50-feet, the Phillies mercifully pulled the plug and lost 7-6.

Did you expect anything else? A buddy of mine every year growing up would try to get us excited about the Phillies, only to have his soul crushed in HILARIOUS fashion when Ron Gant/Kevin Sefcik/Rob Ducey/Rico Brogna/Mike Lieberthal/Randy Wolf/Omar Daal/Travis Lee didn’t pan out to be franchise saviors and the Phillies were in last place by July.

I guarantee even he didn’t expect them to win last night.

The strangest thing, though? Phillies twitter went CRAZY. Oh my, there was a great gnashing and whaling of teeth as fans smashed their faces into keyboards and spat vitriol into the electric ether about this garbage organization.

Why? WHY?! WHY THE OUTRAGE?! They dropped to 26 games under .500 and we’re not even out of June yet. There are 92 games left in the season. The season is over. Unless angels come down from the heavens and help Hector Neris regain command of his sinker and cast Odubel Herrera down into the fiery depths of hell this season is a complete waste of time.

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Local father threatens disobedient child with possibility of going to a Phillies game

Philadelphia_PhilliesAn exasperated father warned his daughter this morning that if she didn’t behave herself he would be forced to take her to tonight’s Phillies game.

Charles Grandowitz, 42, of Cherry Hill, issued the threat to his daughter, Kaylee, 8, after she ignored his request to empty the dishwasher and clean her room.

“Kaylee, so help me, if you don’t get those done like I asked you to by noon today, we’re going to go to that Phillies game tonight, I can promise you that,” Grandowitz said in a menacing tone as his daughter watched television.

“I’ll march you right to that car, drive half an hour into the city, and make you sit there for the entire nine innings. And for what, to see the likes of Cameron Rupp and Howie Kendrick? I promise you, that’s what I’ll do if it teaches you a lesson.”

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Pete Mackanin caught on video giving team the finger for three straight innings

MLB: Philadelphia Phillies at Arizona Diamondbacks

He’s had it.

Video surfaced this morning after a fan at the Marlins 10-2 victory over the Phillies afternoon matinee showed Phillies head coach Pete Mackanin clearly giving his own team the finger for three straight innings and two non-consecutive innings thereafter.

This comes on the same day Mr. Met was shown flipping off a fan at last night’s Mets game. Does Major League Baseball suddenly have a problem with its employees conduct?

The fan shot video showed Mackanin silently waiting at the top of the dugout steps from innings three through five, as the Marlins pounded the Phillies to take an 8-0 lead. As each member of the Phillies trudged back into the dugout, they were greeted by Mackanin flipping each of them off with his right hand, middle finger gleefully extended towards to the heavens.

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Maikel Franco won’t come out of apartment after watching Friday the 13th movies all night

Maikel Franco

Maikel Franco, in happier times.

Philadelphia, PA –  Maikel Franco of the Philadelphia Phillies has been downgraded to questionable for tonight’s game against the Cincinnati Reds because the young third baseman cannot be coaxed out from his bedroom after staying up all night watching the Friday the 13th series.

Franco was missing for his schedule morning batting cage session and would not return phone calls from manager Pete Mackanin or teammates. When several team representative showed up to his apartment, he had reportedly barricaded the door to his  luxury apartment and would not answer the door for the rest of the day because “Jason was out there.”

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Ruben Amaro Jr. beginning to think Phillies may not bring him back next season

072113-amaro-slideshow-apPhiladelphia, PA – Speaking from his home, ex-Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. told reporters he was beginning to think the Phillies may not bring him back as the general manager for next season.

“I don’t want to look to into this, but after they let me go from my contract and told me they would not extend me next year, this really leads me to think I may not be back with the organization in 2016,” he said.

Amaro Jr. said he was nervous that nobody in the Phillies front office had been taking his calls since August and his official team email address had been deleted.

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BREAKING: Ruben Amaro Jr. causes massive security incident after being fired

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Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Philadelphia, PA – A number of police officers swarmed to Citizens Bank Park earlier this afternoon when front office officials called the authorities after former GM Ruben Amaro Jr. locked himself in his office and was actively trying to trade away several pieces of the roster before leaving the premises.

Phillies Executive Andy Macphail met with the media as police officers dragged the kicking and screaming Amaro Jr. from his office before forcibly ejected him from Citizens Bank Park. Several members of the Philadelphia Fire Department had been summoned to the stadium and had to chop down Amaro Jr.’s door to allow police officers entrance.

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Maikel Franco shows up to Phillies clubhouse with sleeping bag, Avengers backpack

What, are you going to cry now?!

What, are you going to cry now?!

Philadelphia, PA – Maikel Franco, called up to the Phillies for the first time this season from AAA, showed up to the Phillies clubhouse this afternoon timidly clutching a sleeping bag and wandering around aimlessly looking for his locker.

Despite having spent a few weeks up with the big team last fall, Franco looked bewildered and nervous as his teammates hustled and joked around him.

Barely bringing his voice above a meek whisper and with tears starting to well up in his eyes, Franco approached Ryan Howard and asked the veteran slugger if he could point him in the direction of his locker.

“Rookies don’t get lockers until they smell this,” Howard said, grinning as he held up a jockstrap to Franco.

Franco quickly turned and walked away from a cackling Howard. He spent the next 20 minutes watching his teammates get ready for hitting practice from the entrance of the clubhouse restroom before a bat boy escorted him to his locker.

After depositing his backpack and sleeping back in the locker room, the embarrassed and intimidated rookie reportedly took his uniform into a utility closet to change. Upon exiting, he was greeted with howls of laughter and points from his teammates, who noticed the frazzled Franco had accidentally put his pants on backward.

Quickly retreating back into the closet to fix his pants, Franco scrambled to his locker and spent the remaining time before practice quietly whispering to his Iron Man action figure.

“They’re so mean to me Tony…I want to be back at Reading with my friends,” he said to his Avengers: Age of Ultron Iron Man action figure. “Everyone is so much bigger and older…I don’t think I can do this.”

As of press time, Franco had reportedly called his mother and requested she pick him up from Citizens Bank Park and bring him home. She reminded Franco that she and his father currently live in the Dominican Republic, and for him to send money soon.

It’s a take about nothing: Maikel Franco!

121Jerry Seinfeld checks in with the Toboggan every now and again to provide a hot take about Philadelphia sports, the way only a neurotic Jewish comedian can. For best results, please read the following in a stereotypical Jerry Seinfeld 90s voice. 

What’s the deal with Maikel Franco rumored to be coming up to the Phillies on Friday?! He’s up, he’s down, he’s up, he’s down, he’s being bounced around more than a basketball at a Jewish summer day camp!

But seriously, make a decision on this kid and end it! He’s racked up more frequent flyer miles from Philadelphia to Reading than Governor Christie has charged cheesesteaks to the New Jersey taxpayer. Am I crazy, or is that a lot of cheesesteaks?!

Just play him or get rid of him Amaro, we’re serious. Enough of this kid getting yanked around each year, lets see if he can swing the stick or not. Look to the cookie, Elaine, look to the cookie!

All of this coming up and down reminds me of Larry David in the open mic scene in New York back in the early 80s. He’d come with me to the Chuckle Hut, high on cocaine and gefilte fish, and agonize for hours on whether he’d take a stab at this comedy thing. I’d have to convince him to come out of the mens room to perform for his five minutes, which would just lead to him drooling on the microphone in a cocaine and bourbon induced stupor.

On a related note, it’s how he came up with the gag of Kramer drooling on the gym floor after getting a strong shot of novocaine and hurting Jimmy. Except in real life, one of the talented young comics slipped on Larry’s drool and actually became PARALYZED from the waist down and never did comedy again! Believe me, the gag was much funnier when we did it on Seinfeld years later and much less tragic.

What’s the deal?!