Last night the Phillies blew a 5-0 lead against the Cardinals and didn’t even have the decency for their fans to lose in the 9th inning. After a game tying home run in the ninth, they proceeded to lumber into extra innings and shit all over themselves.
After a balk, a wild throw on a pick off attempt, the ignoring of a stop sign which resulted in the winning run being thrown out by 50-feet, the Phillies mercifully pulled the plug and lost 7-6.
Did you expect anything else? A buddy of mine every year growing up would try to get us excited about the Phillies, only to have his soul crushed in HILARIOUS fashion when Ron Gant/Kevin Sefcik/Rob Ducey/Rico Brogna/Mike Lieberthal/Randy Wolf/Omar Daal/Travis Lee didn’t pan out to be franchise saviors and the Phillies were in last place by July.
I guarantee even he didn’t expect them to win last night.
The strangest thing, though? Phillies twitter went CRAZY. Oh my, there was a great gnashing and whaling of teeth as fans smashed their faces into keyboards and spat vitriol into the electric ether about this garbage organization.
Why? WHY?! WHY THE OUTRAGE?! They dropped to 26 games under .500 and we’re not even out of June yet. There are 92 games left in the season. The season is over. Unless angels come down from the heavens and help Hector Neris regain command of his sinker and cast Odubel Herrera down into the fiery depths of hell this season is a complete waste of time.
The official hashtag for the remaining games in the season is #embracethesuck. There’s no reason to watch this franchise other than to take delight in the dreadfulness of it all.
Schaudenfreude is all we have left and it’s only June. JUNE. Wrap your arms around the bitter, yet hilarious, ineptitude of it all and just enjoy the train wreck. Let the Phillies suck you down into the dark depths of despair and open up your lungs to the sweet release of death.
I said this last night on twitter (put into handy meme form by dedicated reader @rfmchenry1371) and I stand by it completely.
Yes. I want to see feats of incompetency on the baseball diamond that would make the corpse of Harry Kalas weep.
Odubel Herrera brazenly plowing through Juan Samuel’s (late) stop sign and getting thrown out when he’s the winning run? I want him to be thrown out by 200 feet instead of 50. Just a humiliating display for all involved.
Balks. Give me more BALKS. Who doesn’t love a good balk? I demand at least three a game from Phillies pitchers as we move forward in the season.
I want to see players playing out of position. Tommy Joseph at third base? Why not?! Aaron Altherr ruining his knees catching in back to back games? Yes please!
Michael Saunders. I need more Michael Saunders in my life.
I want Maikel Franco to swing so hard and miss so badly that both his helmet and bat are flung into the crowd, injuring hundreds.
I want to see fistfights in the dugout. You know Bowa has been resisting the urge to throw haymakers at the entire roster. Stop resisting. Give in, Larry, you know you want to.
I want to see Pete Mackanin leave with 99% of the fans during the 7th inning stretch to beat the traffic.
Just close your eyes people and accept the #embracethesuck embroidered pillow being placed over your face. You’re going to a dark, warm place where the Phillies can no longer hurt you.
Give in. #embracethesuck.