Philadelphia Phillies

The saga of J.D. Hammer


A sweating, flustered Matt Klentak enters the Buddhist monastery, scanning the red robed holy men for the man he’s come to see. His eyes squint and he nods his head as he sees his acquisition, the man they call The Hammer, working silently on an ox cart to repair a broken axle.

Klentak walks slowly up to the 23-year-old closer, observing his work. Hammer’s head raises slightly, sensing a presence behind him. His shoulders slump and he exhales wearily, knowing what’s going to come next.



Just give in and #embracethesuck with the Phillies


Odubel Herrera HEROICALLY being thrown out by 50-feet last night. (photo credit:

Last night the Phillies blew a 5-0 lead against the Cardinals and didn’t even have the decency for their fans to lose in the 9th inning. After a game tying home run in the ninth, they proceeded to lumber into extra innings and shit all over themselves.

After a balk, a wild throw on a pick off attempt, the ignoring of a stop sign which resulted in the winning run being thrown out by 50-feet, the Phillies mercifully pulled the plug and lost 7-6.

Did you expect anything else? A buddy of mine every year growing up would try to get us excited about the Phillies, only to have his soul crushed in HILARIOUS fashion when Ron Gant/Kevin Sefcik/Rob Ducey/Rico Brogna/Mike Lieberthal/Randy Wolf/Omar Daal/Travis Lee didn’t pan out to be franchise saviors and the Phillies were in last place by July.

I guarantee even he didn’t expect them to win last night.

The strangest thing, though? Phillies twitter went CRAZY. Oh my, there was a great gnashing and whaling of teeth as fans smashed their faces into keyboards and spat vitriol into the electric ether about this garbage organization.

Why? WHY?! WHY THE OUTRAGE?! They dropped to 26 games under .500 and we’re not even out of June yet. There are 92 games left in the season. The season is over. Unless angels come down from the heavens and help Hector Neris regain command of his sinker and cast Odubel Herrera down into the fiery depths of hell this season is a complete waste of time.


Local father threatens disobedient child with possibility of going to a Phillies game

Philadelphia_PhilliesAn exasperated father warned his daughter this morning that if she didn’t behave herself he would be forced to take her to tonight’s Phillies game.

Charles Grandowitz, 42, of Cherry Hill, issued the threat to his daughter, Kaylee, 8, after she ignored his request to empty the dishwasher and clean her room.

“Kaylee, so help me, if you don’t get those done like I asked you to by noon today, we’re going to go to that Phillies game tonight, I can promise you that,” Grandowitz said in a menacing tone as his daughter watched television.

“I’ll march you right to that car, drive half an hour into the city, and make you sit there for the entire nine innings. And for what, to see the likes of Cameron Rupp and Howie Kendrick? I promise you, that’s what I’ll do if it teaches you a lesson.”


Pete Mackanin caught on video giving team the finger for three straight innings

MLB: Philadelphia Phillies at Arizona Diamondbacks

He’s had it.

Video surfaced this morning after a fan at the Marlins 10-2 victory over the Phillies afternoon matinee showed Phillies head coach Pete Mackanin clearly giving his own team the finger for three straight innings and two non-consecutive innings thereafter.

This comes on the same day Mr. Met was shown flipping off a fan at last night’s Mets game. Does Major League Baseball suddenly have a problem with its employees conduct?

The fan shot video showed Mackanin silently waiting at the top of the dugout steps from innings three through five, as the Marlins pounded the Phillies to take an 8-0 lead. As each member of the Phillies trudged back into the dugout, they were greeted by Mackanin flipping each of them off with his right hand, middle finger gleefully extended towards to the heavens.


San Francisco Giants release former Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins

jimmy-rollins-headshot-9ff3104f41942be8The San Francisco Giants announced yesterday that 17-year MLB veteran Jimmy Rollins would not make the team’s final roster.

Rollins, who famously led the Philadelphia Phillies to its first World Series victory since 1980 after declaring them the team to beat. He is one of 8 players, and the only shortstop in the history of baseball, to hit 200 home runs, 500 doubles, and collect 400 steals.

Rollins won three Gold Gloves in his career and was named baseball’s MVP in 2007.

Rollins is reportedly contemplating retirement after hitting .125/.222/.250 with the Giants this spring.

REPORT: Rookie Brock Stassi can’t wait for it to go all downhill from here


Brock Stassi lowered his guard for a few moments yesterday and cried tears of joy after being informed he had made the Phillies 2017 opening day roster and quickly realizing that it would go all downhill from this point onward.

Stassi told reporters he would forever savor this moment before the city inevitably turns on him for his poor play.

“This is what everyone who has ever played an inning of little league dreams of. It’s been a long journey, drafted in the 33rd round, all those years in AAA, it makes this all the more satisfying,” Stassi said.

“I can see it now, by June I’ll be hitting .220 in limited plate appearances, the sports talk stations will begin to wonder why the Phillies are wasting a roster spot on me, and fans will start to grumble every time they hear my name announced on the PA system at Citizen’s Bank Park when I’m called upon to pinch hit in a key situation, knowing full well I’ll likely ground out into an inning ending, rally killing double play. It couldn’t be more perfect.

Stassi added that he was already planning out a series poorly thought out social media miscues blaming the fans for not supporting him during his struggles in July.