What do the Yeti, Bigfoot, Lochness Monster, Jersey Devil, and a Phillies minor league prospect that pans out into an impactful major league baseball player have in common?

None of them actually exist.

After another drubbing at the hands of the Colorado Rockies, how many Phillies fans are waiting for something, ANYTHING to shake up this putrid roster? Every single piece (outside of Cesar Hernandez and Aaron Altherr) has regressed horribly. Who would have thought that our HIGH LEVEL free agent signings of Michael Saunders and Howie Kendrick haven’t panned out into greatness?

You’re telling me that signing a guy who hit a career high of 24 homeruns at the age of 29 while hitting in one of the most prolific power lineups in recent years isn’t having the same success when he’s “protected” by Maikel Franco and Cameron Rupp in the Phillies order? COLOR ME SHOCKED!

But, but but but but WAIT A SECOND? Don’t the Phillies have an amazing minor league system right now, jam packed with prospects who hit for average and power? Haven’t we been hearing about these fabulous trades that have netted the organization the next Chase Utley? The next Jimmy Rollins? The next Ryan Howard?

If the organization is so jam packed with these dynamite prospects, why aren’t they being brought up? Are we really saving at bats for the likes of Ty Kelly and Cameron Rupp, when studs like Roman Quinn (who by my calculations has hit 25 homeruns in the past two weeks) and Jorge Alfaro are tearing it up in the minors?

Never have so many prospects been dangled in front of the faces of starving Philadelphia sports fans than the days of Maxime Ouellet and the Philadelphia Flyers.

Shouldn’t we get something? A look at Nick Williams, a peak at Rhys Hoskins, a fucking GLIMPSE of Dylan Cozens?

But you know what? We won’t, because none of them exist. Nope, they’re all just figments of our imaginations, myths who will spectacularly flame out before reaching the majors, leaving us to watch 56-year-old Tommy Joseph flailing wildly at pitches on the outside corner of the plate.

Conspiracy theory alert, but has anyone actually been to a Reading Fightin’ Phillies? Has anyone actually seen the stadium in person? Are we sure this isn’t a ruse from the organization to save money, just sending us doctored “highlights” of actors “playing baseball” to keep us all waiting for their arrival.

They’re NEVER COMING UP, people. Sure, Mickey Moniak is ripping it up right now in single A Clearwater Threshers Summer Fall League Mexican Ball, or wherever the fuck he’s playing, but something will happen.

He’ll be bitten by a spider in the dugout and lose a finger and we’ll never see him in a Phillies uniform.

Roman Quinn will be run over by a tractor and he’ll retire young.

Rhys Hoskins will disappear in the Florida Everglades in next year’s spring training.

JP Crawford will contract juvenile diabetes despite being 22 years old and will have his foot amputated.

Get used to mediocrity, it’s all we have, people.

But at least I hear Maxime Ouellet is ripping it up for the Phantoms this offseason and should be the Flyers starting goalie in the next two to three years.