Philadelphia

Angelo Cataldi-Bot 2.0 needs his programming updated

You’d think the 94 WIP programmers in charge of keeping Angelo Cataldi-Bot 2.0 current would have given him a much needed software update after the Eagles won their first Super Bowl against the Patriots this past February.

Hook him up to the computer, download the latest patch to keep him churning for another year, and let’s at LEAST get some new, incorrect takes from this dinosaur.

Here is is assessment from last night’s loss to the Patriots. Bear in mind, this is the preseason. It means absolutely nothing.

Huh….wha? Didn’t the Eagles win a Super Bowl? Are we really turning on this team, this coach, TWO GAMES INTO THE PRESEASON?

Well, ok. Let’s be honest though, Angelo is a professional sports analyst. Maybe he’s seeing something that we’re not? Maybe we should be worried going into this year?

I’m sure Angelo didn’t share the same worries in the 2017 preseason, right? He, of all people, surely saw that Doug Pederson had this team trending in the right direction?

Let’s see what he had to say last year after the jump.

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Will this Eagles season be more “Aliens” or “Major League 2?”

Like Ripley returning to the alien infested colonial outpost in search of Newt, the Eagles are stepping back into the fray tonight and kicking off their Super Bowl defending season in an all but meaningless preseason bout against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In Philadelphia, nobody can hear you scream (yes, I know that’s the tagline from “Alien” and not “Aliens” … but the “Aliens” tagline sucks. This time it’s war? Get the hell out of here).

We’re in uncharted waters here, Eagles fan. It’s the first year in the history of the franchise where we’re not coming off of a terrible Andy Reid postseason loss, a disheartening/borderline racist Chip Kelly 7-9 season, or a comically bad “Dream Team” season that left us all hating Jason Babin and his stupid tattoos just a little bit more than we thought was humanly possible.

The path is unexplored from here on out, Eagles. What’s it going to be? Will this year live up to the hype, the GREATNESS of last year’s Super Bowl run and victory, or will it all come crashing down?

Will this season be “Aliens” or will it be “Major League 2?” Will it be an all-time great sequel to an all-time great movie, or will it be a soulless, unnecessary cash-in without the entire returning cast from the original?

The answer, I think, lies somewhere in between.

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Did you hear the one about Bryce Harper being traded to Golden State?

Buckle up partner and strap yourself in, because I’m about to tickle your funny bone with an observation SO DROLL and SO HILARIOUS that you’re going to absolutely cream your jeans and have your mind BLOWN after I hit you with it.

Are you ready for this shit? Are you ready to be taken on a mystical tour of hilarity into the ethos of what comedy really means?

You’d better have 911 ready and on call, because you, my friend, are going to bust a gut when you hear this.

Ready? Take a deep breath, hold my hand, and don’t be afraid. I won’t hurt you, I never would.

Bryce Harper, he of the Washington Nationals, a major league baseball team, has been traded to the Golden State Warriors.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA….oh my GOD. How…..how is that even possible?! I’m dying, I’m dying, stop it you’re KILLING ME. He’s, he’s….oh god, but, he’s a BASEBALL PLAYER being traded to a BASKETBALL TEAM.

You see, that’s what makes it so hilarious. Golden State, you see, is stacked with talent and they just signed a superstar after winning yet another NBA championship, so the very idea, the VERY NOTION that Bryce Harper would be traded to the Golden State Warriors is DELIGHTFULLY FARCICAL.

Just a rollicking good time. Nobody else could have POSSIBLY thought of something so out of left field, could they?

Shit….well, okay, I started writing this around 8 a.m. I have the saved draft to prove it. He tweeted it out at 8:26 a.m., so I thought of it first.

Are there any others?

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The never ending saga of Terrell Owens

The year is 2035. A picture of the unopened box containing Terrell Owens’ NFL Hall of Fame gold jacket has just received its 500,000th retweet. Owens has exercised his 10-day clause with the Toronto Argonauts. Zombies now have Senate majority. 

Terrell Owens hasn’t played in the NFL since 2010. He’s been out of Philadelphia for 13 years. One of the top three wide receivers to ever play in the NFL was just elected to the Hall of Fame, and yet we’re all greeted with this news yesterday.

(How many idiots saw this news and called into the Fanatic or WIP yesterday and said the Eagles should give him a shot?)

Oh my GOD. Enough. Enough Terrell, you’re killing us. In the words of Jud Crandall from Pet Semetary, “Sometimes, dead is better.”

It’s time to stay buried, T.O. Go to your ceremony this week, get your jacket, don’t say a word at the podium, and live the rest of your life. Pretty please with popcorn on top.

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Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Philadelphia chapter

What day is it? Why, it’s Friday the 13th day, sir! And as we are want to do at the Coggin, we take a moment to reflect on this glorious day and ask ourselves the age old question: “Which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?”

Jason Voorhees is out there, sharpening up that machete, loading his spear gun, and getting ready to crush some skulls.

Like all horror movie franchises well into their fourth sequel, we’re just cashing in right now and fully expect this to be terrible. We’re just doing it for the money at this point and really sticking it to our hardcore fans.

Get caught up and see who survived the last three Friday the 13ths before dipping into this year’s slaughter.

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Forget about LeBron, one soon to be cut player can turn the tide of power in favor of the 76ers

Still thinking about the 76ers losing out on the LeBron sweepstakes? Still smarting from Josh Harris saying they “almost” had the greatest living player in the game in a 76ers uniform? Still worried that the 76ers are basically running back the exact same roster from 2017-2018 and are entirely putting too much pressure on Markelle Fultz to return to the form that made him the #1 overall pick?

Well let me put your tortured mind at ease with two words.

Milos. Teodosic.

Lord knows I don’t ask for much. Get this salty Serb into a 76ers uniform right now and you’re punching your ticket to AT LEAST the Eastern Conference Finals.

Who is Milos Teodosic, you ask?

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The Family Circus torments Philadelphia

Comic strips are supposed to have jokes. Four panels, a few recurring, main characters, a pithy observation on the banalities of Mondays, and boom. You read it, at BEST you get a smile on your face, and then you throw the comic section into the garbage and move on with your life.

For close to 200 years (estimated) Family Circus has been terrorizing readers with the quirks of the Keane family; parents Bil and Thelma, and children Billy, Dolly, Jeffy, and P.J. and a one-panel strip that is high on Christianity and low on jokes.

A typical Family Circus involves a soft pun, a bible passage, and a shot of their long deceased grandfather looking lovingly down at the family from heaven. Strip after strip, pun after pun, dead grandparent after dead grandparent, it goes on, and on, and on, and on.

Does that sound entertaining? Something you’d enjoy reading every single morning since the strip’s debut on Feb. 29, 1960? If it does, than buckle up motherfuckers because I have big news.

Family Circus brought it’s HILARIOUS off-kilter brand of comedy to the City of Brotherly love for a week of vacation strips as the Keane family visited Philadelphia.

Strap in as we look at the Keane’s pilgrimage to Philadelphia and hold on to your funny bones, you don’t want to bust a gut laughing at these absolute gems.

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