Philadelphia

Sleepy old has-been furious at Jason Kelce’s award winning* championship speech

*2018 Super Bowl Winning Speech of the Year, as voted on by The Coggin Toboggan

Oh Mike Francesa, did somebody not get their nappy earlier this week? The sleepy, longtime radio personality (who is doing radio now more than ever after his retirement) decided his virgin ears were BESMIRCHED by Jason Kelce’s epic Super Bowl speech on the step’s of the Art Museum during last Thursday’s Super Bowl parade and called on Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie to cut the Pro-Bowl center for his lewdness.

Francesa dropped his own, far-less entertaining rant on the WOR Sports Zone, and was most likely heard by dozens upon dozens of fans listening on their HAM radios.

NBC Sports Philadelphia transcribed Francesa’s “old-man yells at cloud” moment for all of us to enjoy and mock forever:

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Happy Valentine’s Day to you from your lovers at The Coggin Toboggan

I’ve been meaning to tell you guys something for a while now…I’m usually not one to beat around the bush, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’m a straight shooter, okay? I just come out and say what we want to say, you know? I don’t dance around things, I don’t hint, I don’t nudge, I just come right out and say it. Yes, I come right out and say what I truly believe, do you know what I’m saying?

I…I love you guys. Will you be my Valentine?

BradyFotoJetKelce

FotoJet

 

Philadelphia is too happy and it feels too weird

It’s been a week and a half since the Eagles won the Super Bowl. The sun is shining just a bit brighter, the grass is just a bit greener, and the horse manure caked into Broad Street tastes just a little bit sweeter.

Nobody is complaining, everyone is getting along, the Flyers and Sixers are a combined 8-0 since the Eagles finally brought a Lombardi back to Philadelphia.

This city is jubilant, we’re all in great moods…does it feel wrong to anyone else?

I’m not saying it’s bad to be feeling this way, it just doesn’t feel RIGHT for Philadelphia.

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Who shouldn’t be thanked after the Eagles Super Bowl victory?

The Eagles won Super Bowl LII. They won the Super Bowl. FUCKING FINALLY, they won the Super Bowl.

Last night I posted a heartfelt story about the win, about watching the game with my dad, my brother, my wife and wishing my other brother had been with us (instead of watching it in the city) to celebrate in our joy.

But that’s not us, right? That’s not The Coggin Toboggan. We have a “no hugging, no learning” rule like Seinfeld, but I figured we could at least break it for one night after a once in a lifetime moment.

Let’s get back to basics. Let’s get mean again, let’s get childish, let’s get back to our ROOTS as the most hated blog in Philadelphia.

Everyone in the franchise is thanking everyone for the Super Bowl win. God. Their family members. Belichick for inexplicably benching his start cornerback for no reason. It’s exhausting.

Who shouldn’t be thanked? Who deserves to be ridiculed and chastised for doing absolutely nothing for the franchise or the city? Here’s a running list of all those in franchise history who should NOT be thanked following last night’s Super Bowl victory:

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Buying a dead Eagles fan’s pendant from the morgue is a surefire way to become haunted

Have you ever wanted the opportunity to own something creepy from a dead Eagles fan you didn’t know?! Well now’s your chance, weirdo.

Brian Hickey from Philly Voice published an interesting article yesterday on the city Medical Examiner’s Office giving the public the opportunity to own a dead Eagles fan’s pendant from beyond the grave.

The article explains that when a person dies and comes to the medical examiner’s office, their “personal effects” are given to the next of kin or stored for a year in the office and then thrown away.

Now, because apparently Philadelphia is so cash-strapped it’s resorting to selling the items of its dead citizens for PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR, the Medical Examiner’s Officer is auctioning off FIVE Eagles medallions/pendants to the highest bidder (currently at $93.04) and those who are the most enthusiastic about being haunted for the rest of their lives.

This is literally how 90% of the horror movies I’ve ever seen start:

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What happened to Minneapolis bars and restaurants keeping out classless Eagles fans?

Apparently it’s not as hard for Eagles fans in Minneapolis right now as Vikings fans led them to believe.

As hundreds of crestfallen (and butthurt) Vikings fans promised to start up Uber businesses this weekend to drive Eagles fans to wrong locations, created Facebook groups to organize meet-ups to throw trash at Eagles fans, canceled Eagles fans AirBnBs before the Super Bowl, denied Chris Maragos reservations, and generally promised to make life miserable for any Philadelphia Eagles fan that dared show up for the Super Bowl, it’s proving to not be all that bad for the throngs that made the trip.

I wanted to see just how difficult it would be to get a reservation for 10 Eagles fans on short notice in Minneapolis bars and restaurants near U.S. Bank Stadium. At the very least, I figured, the salty rejections from business owners would make for some good content.

It turns out that most business owners in Minneapolis aren’t as idiotic as the Vikings fans encountered on social media, because it’s QUITE EASY to make a reservation for 10 Eagles fans for tonight during prime dinner hours at just about any bar or restaurant within a mile of the Vikings stadium.

See just how much local business owners love Philadelphia Eagles fan after the jump:

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2018 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble

This Sunday the WWE is hosting its best pay-per-view  every year, as the ROYAL RUMBLE marches its way into our hearts.

For those unfamiliar with the concept, a “Royal Rumble” consists of 20 to 30 wrestlers entering the ring every two minutes. The entrants are eliminated when thrown over the top rope, and the final man (or woman) standing wins the event and gets to headline Wrestlemania.

This year, the Rumble is in our very own backyard, kicking off this Sunday at the Wells Fargo Center in front of 40,000 drunken, rowdy Philadelphians who yearn for the days of obese men putting each other threw tables at the old ECW arena.

What better way to honor the WWE’s best show by putting on our own knock-off event with far less athletic and well-known contestants? SOUNDS FUN TO ME!

Last year, everyone’s favorite Process Trusting nerd Sam Hinkie bribed his way back into the Rumble after eliminating himself before the event started. He teamed up with Joel Embiid to murder everyone in the ring, before betraying his star pupil to claim the vaunted Coggin Toboggan Championship belt for himself.

It was such a success that we’re hosting it again this year and opening it up to ANYONE AND EVERYONE with even a cursory relationship in Philadelphia. Are you a nobody athlete that had a cup of tea with the 87ers last season? God damnit, you’re eligible to make something of yourself. Do you stand a chance against a field of 30 hungry, grizzled veterans looking to raise their name to the rafters of the Coggin Toboggan offices? You sure don’t, but we’ll all have a good laugh at your expense as you bleed out on the ring floor.

Thirty of the most ruthless competitors have cast their lot with us to become an immortal champion for the city of Philadelphia. We’ve written a short bio for each, given each an entrance song and a trademark maneuver we feel is appropriate for their particular skillset.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2018 All-Philadelphia Royal Rumble. May god have mercy on our souls.

(If you want to get caught up on the action,  you can read the 2017 rumble here or the 2016 rumble here.)

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