Philadelphia

Joel Embiid’s minutes will be “in the teens” … AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. In a press conference today Brett Brown noted that he believes Joel Ebmiid’s minutes in the first game of the season on Wednesday against the Washington Wizards will likely only be “in the teens” … and the panic button has been pressed.

It was surprising news for Embiid, who told reporters he was “bummed” and could likely play upwards of 30 minutes in the opener, but would have to abide by the minutes restriction.

Did anybody really expect him to have no minutes restrictions in the opener? He’s played less than 25 minutes all preseason, but somehow he’d be cleared to play 35-plus in the opener? Uhh…no. No he would not.

But that didn’t stop pretzels from raining down on poor Brett Brown.

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And the fans do not like this one bit! AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS! Head Coach Brett Brown now on the field, pleading with the fans for some kind of sanity.

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And a barrage of pretzels now knocking Brown unconscious. Wow. This…this is a black day for basketball.

I am here and now declaring “AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!” to be the official statement for any time Philadelphia fans overreact on Twitter.

AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS:

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Friday the 13th part 3, THE NEW BLOOD!

We did it earlier this year. We did it two years ago. And god damnit, since this is SUCH a successful franchise and we’re really only in it for the money, we’re going to do it again this year.

Today, of course, is Friday the 13th. Jason Voorhees is still out there, tightening his hockey mask, watching camp counselors skinny dip in the inviting waters of Camp Crystal Lake, and planning a long awaited visit to Philadelphia to hack and slash his way through the city of Brotherly Love.

For the third time, we ask the age old question: “Which Philadelphia sports figure would survive if he or she found themselves in the Friday the 13th horror series?”

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Applying to be the next 97.5 Fanatic programming director

Well, well well. What do we have here? A job opening with 97.5 the Fanatic to be the station’s next programming director? The hunter has become the hunted.

Is there anyone better suited for this position than myself? A blogger with absolutely no experience producing radio programming? A former glue sniffing addict with nothing but a shoddy professional journalism background to lean on? I SUBMIT TO YOU THAT THERE IS NOT.

Sure, I know some employees at the station have recently called me a “coward” and a “joke” on social media, but when I’m the program director they’ll soon learn the meaning of respect through my patented managerial technique of childish name calling and intermittent, girlish sobbing in the men’s room.

I do know that the station needs more discipline. Do you think anyone is going to be taking time off from work to hang out in something called the Meatlocker? NOT ON MY WATCH, YOU AIN’T. That’s valuable Twitter poll publishing time, amigo.

I get it, though. I really do. I’m not deaf to my critics.

They said, “Hey, you tear down, but you never build up. You’re always criticizing, but never offering any solutions. And you’re incredibly handsome and talented, so we’re really just saying all of these mean things out of jealousy.”

You know what? They’re absolutely right. I don’t revel in anyone losing their position at the station, but this is a great opportunity to do some good. I can’t be a blogger for the rest of my life.

This is a chance to work alongside some of the greats in the sports talk radio industry, like…well, no, Tony Bruno isn’t there anymore…but, well, ummm…well it’s a chance to work in the industry!

IT’S TIME TO BE PART OF THE SOLUTION INSTEAD OF CONSTANTLY BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM.

I am going to take that studio by the horns and mold it into my own unique image. I’ll be a benevolent, kind ruler, doling out wisdom to the peons worthy of my ruminations as they grovel at my feet and I smite my enemies.

Let’s see what the position entails and why I’m the perfect applicant:

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What happens when Andy Reid beats the Eagles in Super Bowl LII?

Dateline: FEB. 4, 2018. Minneapolis, Minn. 10:37 p.m.

Joe Buck: “Harrison Butker lines up from the 20, a 37 yard field goal to send the Chiefs home with the Lombardi trophy…two seconds remaining, Eagles 24, Chiefs 23. Remember, this Chiefs drive started from their own 2 yard line with just 2 minutes remaining. A brilliant drive from Alex Smith and the Chiefs, with some tremendous play calling from Reid, perfect use of his three remaining timeouts.

Troy Aikman: “Just an unbelievable job from Smith and Reid to put the Chiefs in this position.”

Buck: “This for the game. The snap is good…the kick is up…anddddddddddd…..IT’S GOOD! AND THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE YOUR SUPER BOWL LII CHAMPIONS, BEATING THE EAGLES BY A SCORE OF 23 TO 24. OH MY.”

Aikman: “And it couldn’t have happened to a better coach than Andy Reid, against the team he began his head coaching career with. Finally answering the criticisms and getting over the hump, tolling the bell with a masterful, clock eating drive. Using all of his remaining timeouts in brilliant fashion. Just a perfectly called final two minutes by Reid to become the 2018 NFL champions. Oh my.”

I have had a vision. I have foreseen how I will die.

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Colin Cowherd announces he will be at Sunday’s Eagles game. What should be done?

Well well well, look at what we have here. Human ventriloquist dummy Colin Cowherd announced today on Twitter (if he’s not lying, which he most likely is) he will be in attendance at Sunday’s Eagles game, sitting somewhere in section 217.

The proof, as the famous saying goes, is in the Twitter of the plastic-faced, ratings hungry dullard:

I’m SURE he’s lying and will not actually be at the game Sunday. Would you show up in front of 40,000 rabid Philadelphians who have been drinking in the Jetro lots since 5 a.m., just a mere 6 days since you spouted out this nonsense:

But if he is…what should be done about it? What wrath shall be brought down upon one of the most hated talking heads in America?

I hesitate to suggest this course of action because of its…well….intense nature, but should we really be sympathetic when it comes to Cowherd? Doesn’t he deserve to be put in his place and finally pay the price for all of foul and vile statements he has made in the past?

I think so, but this suggestion is akin to dropping a nuclear bomb. It will bring about victory, but at what cost? What destruction will be wrought from our victory? Do we need to ruin a man’s life over something said on a poorly rated and low viewed radio/television show?

Yes. Yes we do.

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Is the Philadelphia media failing Markelle Fultz?

If you watched the Blue/White 76ers scrimmage yesterday from the Palestra than you’re likely trying to come to terms with some unpleasant facts. The highly coveted #1 overall pick was anything but Sunday afternoon. Where were the head turning highlights we expect from a franchise changing prospect that Bryan Colangelo had to give up a boatload to draft? All we saw yesterday was a few mid-range jumpers, some technically sound passes, and an affable attitude from one of the supposed “top talents” on the roster.

Where were the rim rattling dunks? The no-look passes? The triple doubles? The buzzer beaters and the killer attitude? Is this what the 76ers gave up a boatload of picks for? Those picks could have possibly been used to draft the NEXT Markelle Fultz. They’re valuable assets.

Instead we saw someone who wasn’t giving 100% out there. I didn’t see him set any jaw-rattling screens or take any violent charges to give his squad a leg up. We didn’t see any of those.

Instead we saw Fultz help Ben Simmons up from the floor after the two collided at mid court halfway through the scrimmage. Are you going to do that in a game that counts, Markelle? Help up an opponent in the heat of battle?

My JV basketball coach always told us that “You play like your practice.” He was a wise man and I’m sure he was shaking his head in disgust at what he saw yesterday.

Fultz evidently does not yet have what it takes to succeed in this city, so why isn’t the media letting him know it?

Instead of hearing it from the front page of the Inquirer sports section, this young man is being trumped up as a franchise savior by the Philadelphia media.  In years past they’d be nitpicking this young man to death for “not showing enough” in his first appearance in front of the hometown heavies.

It’s called tough love and it helped shape so many of this city’s past greats into the legends they became.

Donovan McNabb. Charles Barkley. Eric Lindros. Mike Schmidt. Ask them and they’ll tell you that the reporters, journalists, and sports talk hosts in this city are 100% what made them into the hall of fame players they became, not their natural talent. They had to learn how to play in this city, and it made them better athletes, and more importantly, better men.

But not Fultz. Suddenly this town has kid gloves when it comes to handling the #1 overall pick.

Take this, for instance. Last week during media day Fultz spent an inordinate amount of time neglecting his media duties, choosing to eat Chick-Fil-A instead. Last I heard, Chick-Fil-A isn’t exactly part of a balanced diet for a highly-tuned athlete. Do you think Chip Kelly would have stood for this if he were still around? Say what you will about his tenure, but those Eagles were in tip-top condition.

But what does the media do? Does the hard-nailed Philadelphia sports media take the young Fultz to task and teach him a valuable lesson? Nope. It enables the youngsters obsession with fast food and makes a joke of it.

Where is the Philadelphia sports media I used to know that would nitpick every decision he makes and attribute it to his play on the court? Where are the sports talk hosts that would criticize everything a player did 24 hours a day, and then claim the athlete “doesn’t know what Philadelphia is about” when he dared to question the media’s negative portrayal of him?

It’s gone, and it’s instead replaced with this:

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Should Doug Pederson be criticized for not getting his best offensive option more involved?

The best coaches in the NFL play to their players’ strengths and hide their players’ weaknesses. A coach doesn’t mold his team in his vision, but he molds his vision to his team.

A coach like Bill Belichick sees what his players do well, puts them in a position that plays to their strengths, and limits their exposure to hide their deficiencies.

It’s an indomitable fact. This is what successful coaches do and how good teams win. So, why is Doug Pederson refusing to showcase the best offensive option the Eagles have and limiting their explosive scoring potential?

Yes, the Eagles won, but it’s more of a concern that Pederson can’t see the forest for the trees.

It makes no sense. Is he being stubborn? Does he not see what he has in front of him? Either way, it’s a huge concern moving forward in the season.

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