*2018 Super Bowl Winning Speech of the Year, as voted on by The Coggin Toboggan
Oh Mike Francesa, did somebody not get their nappy earlier this week? The sleepy, longtime radio personality (who is doing radio now more than ever after his retirement) decided his virgin ears were BESMIRCHED by Jason Kelce’s epic Super Bowl speech on the step’s of the Art Museum during last Thursday’s Super Bowl parade and called on Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie to cut the Pro-Bowl center for his lewdness.
Francesa dropped his own, far-less entertaining rant on the WOR Sports Zone, and was most likely heard by dozens upon dozens of fans listening on their HAM radios.
NBC Sports Philadelphia transcribed Francesa’s “old-man yells at cloud” moment for all of us to enjoy and mock forever:
I’ve been meaning to tell you guys something for a while now…I’m usually not one to beat around the bush, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’m a straight shooter, okay? I just come out and say what we want to say, you know? I don’t dance around things, I don’t hint, I don’t nudge, I just come right out and say it. Yes, I come right out and say what I truly believe, do you know what I’m saying?
I…I love you guys. Will you be my Valentine?
It’s been a week and a half since the Eagles won the Super Bowl. The sun is shining just a bit brighter, the grass is just a bit greener, and the horse manure caked into Broad Street tastes just a little bit sweeter.
Nobody is complaining, everyone is getting along, the Flyers and Sixers are a combined 8-0 since the Eagles finally brought a Lombardi back to Philadelphia.
This city is jubilant, we’re all in great moods…does it feel wrong to anyone else?
I’m not saying it’s bad to be feeling this way, it just doesn’t feel RIGHT for Philadelphia.
Nick Foles has been around, folks, and he’s one of the most talented backup quarterbacks in the NFL. But still, following the news that Carson Wentz had indeed torn his ACL and would miss the rest of the year set off great waling and gnashing of teeth throughout the Delaware Valley.
BUT DON’T FRET! Nick Foles is going to be fine and I’m fully expecting the Eagles to still reach the Super Bowl.
Do you know why I’m so confident? Do you know why I’m expecting the Eagles to not miss a single beat with Foles under center the rest of the way?
Let me reveal to you the source of all my confidence in one Nick Foles.
Houston, Texas – Sometimes the truth is definitely stranger than fiction!
Tom Brady experienced another “Deflategate” this afternoon as he drove down I-45 to NRG stadium and his Lexus blew a tire, delaying the star quarterback’s arrival to the stadium by several minutes.
Brady’s black Lexus reportedly careened into the guard rail before coming to a rest on the shoulder of the highway.
Guess that tire was a little under-inflated, am I right! Hope Roger Goodell doesn’t find out his tire was under the suggested PSI or his car may get suspended for the rest of the season!
Ray Lewis opened up for the first time about his role in a 2000 Atlanta murder in a recently ghost-written autobiography. The Hall of Fame linebacker, two-time super bowl champion, and current ESPN analyst devotes an entire chapter to the incident that saw him charged, but ultimately found not guilty, of the murder of two individuals in a club during Super Bowl weekend.
According to police reports, Lewis and several members of his entourage engaged in a fight with two individuals who were ultimately stabbed and killed by either Lewis or a member of his entourage. Despite giving a false statement to police, Lewis was found not guilty. Joseph Sweeting and Reginald Oakley, friends of Lewis, were acquitted of murder and assault charges.
Of the incident, Lewis wrote he never would have murdered someone while wearing such expensive clothes.
Hey folks! It’s me! Crazy Tolly and I’ve got a HELL of an announcement for you folks! Did you see our beloved Eagles destroy the Packers on Saturday night? I wasn’t able to see it, but I did hear updates from the TV in the warden’s office from my cell block, but let me tell you they sounded FABULOUS in victory!
I’m haunted by the winds of my ancestors and the screams of the land at every moment. They don’t let me sleep, I tell you, they don’t let me sleep!
Well I’m announcing the first ever Crazy Tolly’s Super Bowl Blow Out!