Will this Eagles season be more “Aliens” or “Major League 2?”

Like Ripley returning to the alien infested colonial outpost in search of Newt, the Eagles are stepping back into the fray tonight and kicking off their Super Bowl defending season in an all but meaningless preseason bout against the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In Philadelphia, nobody can hear you scream (yes, I know that’s the tagline from “Alien” and not “Aliens” … but the “Aliens” tagline sucks. This time it’s war? Get the hell out of here).

We’re in uncharted waters here, Eagles fan. It’s the first year in the history of the franchise where we’re not coming off of a terrible Andy Reid postseason loss, a disheartening/borderline racist Chip Kelly 7-9 season, or a comically bad “Dream Team” season that left us all hating Jason Babin and his stupid tattoos just a little bit more than we thought was humanly possible.

The path is unexplored from here on out, Eagles. What’s it going to be? Will this year live up to the hype, the GREATNESS of last year’s Super Bowl run and victory, or will it all come crashing down?

Will this season be “Aliens” or will it be “Major League 2?” Will it be an all-time great sequel to an all-time great movie, or will it be a soulless, unnecessary cash-in without the entire returning cast from the original?

The answer, I think, lies somewhere in between.


Obscure Philadelphia athlete of the week: Bubby Brister


Coach told me it’s normal to bleed from the ears.

Bubby Brister. Solid, solid name. His name game was on absolute point for his two seasons as a Philadelphia Eagle, starting 16 games over the course of 1993 and 1994 after Randall Cunningham’s legs exploded into a million pieces (or something like that).

Just look at that face. Perpetually confused, a fine head of hair, a firm squint from his 800 confirmed concussions, Brister had all of the makings of a starting quarterback in the late 80s and early 90s. He defied all expectations and played in absolutely no notable games or provided any fun memories for hundreds of thousands of fans that saw him play over his FOURTEEN SEASON CAREER. He played from 1986 to 2000!


Local man experiences more joy in 10 seconds of meaningless NFL preseason game than entire Phillies season

hall_of_fame_gamePhiladelphia, PA – Mindlessly flipping through stations last evening, Tim Brackens, 33, became inordinately excited when he stumbled upon the NFL Hall of Fame game between the Steelers and Vikings at 8:23 p.m.

Brackens experienced more joy in the first 10 seconds he watched of the first preseason game, which featured exactly zero predicted first week starters for either team, than the entire summer of Philadelphia sports put together.

“Holy shit, football! Preseason started tonight, fuck yes!” Brackens said, sitting up quickly on his couch.