Local man experiences more joy in 10 seconds of meaningless NFL preseason game than entire Phillies season

hall_of_fame_gamePhiladelphia, PA – Mindlessly flipping through stations last evening, Tim Brackens, 33, became inordinately excited when he stumbled upon the NFL Hall of Fame game between the Steelers and Vikings at 8:23 p.m.

Brackens experienced more joy in the first 10 seconds he watched of the first preseason game, which featured exactly zero predicted first week starters for either team, than the entire summer of Philadelphia sports put together.

“Holy shit, football! Preseason started tonight, fuck yes!” Brackens said, sitting up quickly on his couch.

“Wow, look at that run! How did I not know this was on?” He said, becoming overly excited after a three yard run by backup Vikings running back Jerick McKinnon.

Brackens’ brain released more endorphins during the scoreless five minutes of the first quarter than the hundreds of hours he had watched of the Phillies this season.

“Oh god this is so great. Football baby! FOOTBALL!” Brackens said, punching his fist into the air enthusiastically in his empty house.

Despite the recent run of Phillies success in the second half of the season, Brackens visited ESPN.com for the first time this summer and immediately scoured six separate mock fantasy football drafts.

It’s not unique for sports starved Philadelphians to experience feelings of overwhelming exuberance, happiness, or delight at the mere site of football, no matter how meaningless, explained Noah Hubbleton, MD, of Jefferson Hospital.

“It signifies the end of a long, hot, boring summer. We see a definite spike of emergency room admittance this time of year for injuries related to fist pumping, impromptu power hours, and even attempts at doing the worm in the subject’s living room,” Hubbleton explained.

“Can you really blame them? The Phillies win 15 of the 20 games since the all-star break and they’re still in second to last place. They suck. Thank Christ for football.”

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