Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, the flamboyant owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, came out for the first time today and publicly decried the banner flown over the Eagles practice this past Sunday afternoon.
The banner, flown over Lincoln Financial Field during a public practice, displayed the message “”WE STILL DEM BOYZ!!!! #SACKSCOMIN” to the thousands of fans standing during the National Anthem.
Fan welcomed the banner with hearty boos, as expected, but Jones had a somewhat surprising reaction to the ploy by Hardy.
Jones described it as an “absolutely despicable display from Greg Hardy.”
“It was horrible. They didn’t use not a one of my ideas. Where was my face on the banner? No middle fingers? It wasn’t trimmed in gold leaflet and the Confederate Flag wasn’t even on the dag nabbed thing,” Jones said. “I mean, God dang, I financed the whole thing. Hardy threw in $10, do you think he can afford a banner when he’s being sued every two minutes? Hell naw, that boy don’t got a pig in the poke, if you know what I’m saying.”
Jones then winked at a blond reporter before doing a bump of cocaine from a locket around his neck.
“That’ll grease the motors better than corn moonshine in my Daddy’s Ford,” he said, doing another bump. “YEEEEEEEEHAAAAA!”
Jones excused himself from the media conference and declared “his plan” would be going into effect within the next few hours.
“It’s gonna be a shit snorting good time, hell of a lot better than Hardy’s rib, I’ll tell you fuckers what. You just wait and see.”
As of press time, Jones was spotted riding a John Deere tractor down the High Five Interchange, screaming towards the heavens, dragging a banner covered in absolute gibberish behind him.