Dallas Cowboys

And with the 25th pick in the NFL Draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select….

…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THEY PICK!

It’s the morning of the NFL Draft and it’s time yet again to invite the rest of the NFC East to eat shit, to eat it long and slow, because the Eagles are STILL the most recent team in the division to win a Super Bowl and it is our RIGHT as champions to roast the rest of the putrid teams in our division.

Yes, I know EVERY SINGLE other team in the NFC East has more championships than the Eagles, but who has the most recent one? The E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES do, damnit, so until that changes this will be an annual roast day to thoroughly humiliate the rest of the NFC East.

We did it last year. We’re doing it again this year. And hopefully the tradition will continue for many years to come.

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And with the 32nd pick in the 2018 NFL draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select…

…IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO THEY PICK!

Suck my dick, rest of the NFL. Suck it long and suck it hard, because this may be the last time in my lifetime the Eagles select 32nd overall in the NFL draft so I am going to get my insults in and I’m going to get them in as often as I can. I hope it’s not the last time, but just in case I’m going to gloat as much as I can leading up to the draft tonight.

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Coggin Toboggan Music Review: Cole Beasley’s “hit” rap single “80 Stings”

So this is a thing we do now, I guess, music reviews. Here’s what I thought about Cole Beasley of the Dallas Cowboys debut foray into the rap game:

What the fuck did I just listen to? REVIEW OVER.

(thinks it over…sighs)

Damnit. FINE. I’d be doing a disservice to everyone who enjoys hate listening to athletes getting their cockles on the rise and jumping into the rap game. Shaquille O’Neal did it, Deion Sanders did it, Allen Iverson did it….and now Cole Beasley of the Dallas Cowboys thinks he can do it.

Beasley is well known round these parts for his Twitter feud with Howard Eskin and the glorious, flowing golden blonde locks he sports under his helmet. My god, just look at it bouncing exuberantly about his strong, broad shoulders…..that is some serious lettuce you could just run your fingers through all day long. It makes you feel safe, like you’re loved….

Huh? What? Oh yeah, the song.

It sucks, but what did you expect? Did you really think some white loser who plays a poor wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys would produce a halfway decent song? OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T.

You know why you’re here….you’re here to laugh at someone who put themselves out there and tried to accomplish something they’re passionate about. Serves you right, Beasley, for trying to reach a childhood dream. What a loser, am I right gang?

(thinks about my own childhood dream of being a fireman….chokes back tears as I realize I’ve wasted my life)

::gazes over at a mirror:: Yeah….what a loser….what a big, fat, terrible ugly loser

Let’s all listen to this piece of garbage and run through the lyrics to this trainwreck after the jump, shall we?

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Howard Eskin has gone full heel and there is nobody better in Philadelphia

Howard Eskin has gone from radio jackass nobody liked to full-on Philadelphia sports heel and nobody is doing a better job in the Philadelphia media than he is right now.

It’s not even close. Is there anyone more entertaining right now than Eskin? Especially on Twitter? Whether he’s HILARIOUSLY misspelling names (Cluff Lee is an all-timer) or randomly picking fights with loser wide receivers from the Cowboys, everything he touches turns to gold.

Who would cultivate a week-long beef with no-name Cowboys wide receiver Cole Beasley and subsequently choke slam him through a barbed wire table (metaphorically) just HOURS after the Eagles demolished the Cowboys on Sunday Night Football.

Who does this other than heel Howard? He is a full on WWF heel…picking on the weak and defenseless in order to put himself over….and he’s doing it in the most entertaining way possible.

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Tony Romo finally released from dark, cursed bonds, crumbles into dust

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The tortured soul of Tony Romo, bound to this world by dark forces ungoverned by man, was finally released from his earthly toil this morning.

The Curse of Ankarnarng, which tormented the eons old being that became known as Tony Romo in this most recent millennium, was lifted after NFL insider and ESPN reporter Adam Schefter recited the Incantation of Omor backwards at the 50-yard-line of Cowboys stadium during a full moon.

After the ancient curse was lifted from the agonized, decrepit husk of a body, Romo thanked his liberator for releasing him from his tortured existence, smiled slightly, winked and crumbled into a fine dust, which was picked up by a soft, warm breeze and disappeared into the ether, Schefter reported on his Twitter account.

Making sure to grab the White Sword of Damathria and his iPhone 7 before leaving, Schefter made a hasty retreat prior to the appearance of the fearful ogre known only as “Dak of Prescott.”

At press time, a rage filled, hateful scream from Jerry Jones’s office shook the Cowboys stadium to its very core.

Dallas Cowboys sign funeral home owner to active roster for Sunday

romo2212Philadelphia, PA – In light of new developments prior to Sunday’s game, a Dallas Cowboys team representative announced that Larry Donovan, owner and operator of Donovan Family Funeral Home and Cremation services, had been signed to the 53-man active roster.

The move was described as “precautionary” and was in no way due to the announcement that Tony Romo would play several snaps in the second half against the division rival Philadelphia Eagles.

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Who will make our Eagles picks for this week?

Wow…this is why I never bet on football games. The gravy train with biscuit wheels is officially off the tracks. Oh my god we SUCK at making picks for these Eagles games. After a hot start we’ve gotten all four predictions wrong in the past two weeks.

Oh wait, I mean, our guest pickers are terrible at making predictions because these are REAL guests making REAL picks for us.

We are awful.

So this week the Eagles (+4.5) take on the hated Cowboys in a clash of the top two NFC East teams. Dak Prescott welcomes Philadelphia to Arlington and Skip Bayless is already creaming in his jeans to see his crush take on Carson Wentz and the Eagles.

Just admit you want to tenderly kiss Prescott’s neck, Skip, and your life will be so much happier.

Win/loss prediction results: 2-4

Against the spread: 3-3

But who will make our picks this week…it’s Tony Romo! Tony, welcome to the Coggin.

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Greg Hardy transitioning to MMA, hopes to debut against Ronda Rousey

greg hardyDallas, Texas – Former Cowboys lineman Greg Hardy, 28, who has not played in the NFL after a high-profile domestic abuse incident in 2014, recently announced he would put his NFL career on hold to transition to a new career within mixed martial arts.

Hardy, who does not have a mixed martial arts background, has already pointed out a perfect opponent for him to make his MMA debut.

Ronda Rousey.

“She’s been running her mouth for far too long about what a great fighter she is. I couldn’t think of anyone that I would rather fight, to tell you the truth,” Hardy said. “I need to make some money for cocaine when I’m not playing in the NFL. Did I say cocaine? I meant bail money. Yes….that’s a moderately better response.”

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Tony Romo blinks once for yes, confirms he may back for season opener
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Tony Romo looking to be in mid-season form.

Dallas, TX – Dallas Cowboys fans breathed a sigh of relief this morning when injured quarterback Tony Romo blinked once to confirm “yes”from his hospital room when a reporter asked if he could possibly be available on week one.

Romo, lying motionless in a hospital bed with a large intubation tube down his throat to assist him in breathing, answered questions from the media using the classic one blink for yes, two blinks for no system.

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Voodoo lessons already paying for themselves, according to Nick Foles
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Voodoo enthusiast, Nick Foles.

Los Angeles, Calif. – Noting that it was the smartest investment he has made in years, free agent Nick Foles noted that the voodoo lessons he had taken in the off-season were practically paying for themselves.

With the recent injury to Cowboys backup quarterback Kellen Moore, several NFL sources have said the Cowboys are reportedly interested in bringing Foles in to backup starter Tony Romo.

“I’m on the market for one day and Kellen Moore snaps his ankle like a twig at the Cowboys’ training camp? Gee, I wonder how that happened?” Foles said.

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