Fielding several interviews during his first day in Heaven.
The Afterlife, Heaven – Immediately after entering through the Pearly Gates, popular ex-Eagles head coach Buddy Ryan donned a pair of aviator sunglasses, hitched a pair of sweat socks up to his knees, and declared the first denizen of the ethereal plane that really decked the famous Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry would receive $100.
Ryan sauntered into the afterlife and immediately hooked up with former defensive stalwarts Jerome Brown and Andre “Dirty” Waters, riling the two up with a fevered and passionate speech compelling them to blindside Landry the next time the ex-coach walked down Heaven Boulevard to a replica of Cowboys Stadium, where he relives some of his greatest moments as a head coach.
Bristol, Conn – A two-part interview with Greg Hardy on ESPN did not go particularly well for the embattled defensive end, as the young athlete blatantly winked at the camera numerous times during his discussion with ESPN’s Adam Schefter.
Hardy, who was suspended the first four games of last season due to allegedly beating his girlfriend Nicole Holden last year, perhaps agreed to the interview as a way to rehab his public image.
Dallas, Texas – Greg Hardy, Dallas Cowboys defensive end who has been the focal point of public scrutiny this season after his role in an abusive relationship with his ex-girlfriend Nicole Holder, poured out his heart and soul into a new Twitter bio this morning, showing the world that he himself was the victim in the whole scenario.
Hardy’s Twitter bio now reads this:
“Innocent until proven guilty-lack of knowledge & information is just ignorance-the unjust/prejudicial treatment of diff categories of people is discrimination.”
Millions of tweets, phone calls, and emails have since been sent to Hardy, expressing notes of condolences and regret at the way he has been treated in this whole scenario.
Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, doubled down on his support of controversial defensive end Greg Hardy this morning, just several days after Deadspin procured and released disturbing pictures of a bruised and battered Nicole Holden, a girlfriend Hardy allegedly abused during their relationship.
Jones made his comments at a press conference a day after his Cowboys dropped to 2-6, losing to the Eagles 33-27 in overtime.
“Those pictures were horrible, she looked more frightened than a steer on branding day, but we really don’t know what caused those bruises. It could have been anything…an accident, a fall, a jealous, psychotic boyfriend, who knows?” Jones said, adjusting his bolo tie during the conference. “We don’t like to throw our players under the covered wagon, so to speak. She could have fallen down the stairs for all we know.”
All around good guy Greg Hardy.
Dallas, Texas – Controversial Dallas Cowboys defensive end found an ally with ESPN football analyst Stephen A. Smith Tuesday afternoon, as Smith publicly stated his support for Hardy and his role in a sideline scuffle with a Cowboys special teams coach.
Hardy, who was suspended the first four games of the season due to allegedly beating his girlfriend last year, thanked Smith for his support before picking him up over his head and callously tossing him down onto a pile of handguns and assault rifles.
“It’s nice to have someone on my side when so many people have me pegged as a thug and a miscreant,” Hardy said from his home as he rained blows down upon Smith, who was cowering atop the pile of deadly weapons. “I’d like to thank Stephen for his candor and not screaming for help loudly enough for my neighbors to hear this.”
Oh the humanity!
After I retrieved my laptop from the front yard after ceremoniously hurling it through my front window, I started to think about what best represented the Eagles performance yesterday against the Cowboys.
A dumpster fire, of course, came to mind, but I didn’t think that accurately described how horrible they were yesterday. A dumpster fire is just a bunch of garbage on fire. Sure it’s smelly, but nothing of value is lost in a dumpster fire and when it goes out nobody thinks about it again.
They weren’t a dumpster fire.
The Eagles are an orphanage fire.
Snickers the possum.
Hey it’s me, Snickers the Possum! If there are two things in this world that I know, it’s that the Johnson’s poodle got what it was coming to it when it was smooshed by a car and I’m an excellent football analyst!
Now, last week I was a little off in my prediction, but who would have thought Byron Maxwell would suddenly forget how to play football and take a metaphysical dump all over the Atlanta field.
I know it’s a bit of a shock, but even Snickers the Possum is wrong once in a while, but this week is a surefire lock for our hometown Philadelphia Eagles who are opening up Lincoln Financial Field against the hated Dallas Cowboys.
Poor little feller.
A few hours ago we posted an article entitled, DeMarco Murray: ‘I’m tired of taking the high road.’ Read it. It’s semi-amusing and was just an excuse for me to write something obnoxious and dirty (as always).
It’s fake, just like everything we write here, however.
One Cowboys fan, though, took the bait and took it hard, despite the masthead alerting our readers and any new visitors to the fact that everything on the site nonsense.
Philadelphia, PA – After being asked about the upcoming game this Sunday at 4:25 p.m. versus the Dallas Cowboys, his first since leaving the team, DeMarco Murray finally opened up about what it would be like to face the team that decided to not offer him a lucrative contract in the off season.
“I know I’ve been saying it’s not a big deal all week, that it’s just another game, but that’s not really the case if I’m going to be true to myself. I’m tired of taking the high road,” Murray said today after training. “Fuck Jerry Jones and his liver spotted head. You sign Dez Bryant to a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract and he gets hurt in the first week. You two can go fuck each other. I can’t wait to stomp them into the ground. Fuck this shit, I’m going to crush every single one of those pieces of shit on Sunday. This one is going to hurt. I’m going to set that franchise back two decades.”
Maybe he’s not so bad, after all?
Dallas, Texas – Jerry Jones, the flamboyant owner and GM of the Dallas Cowboys, came out for the first time today and publicly decried the banner flown over the Eagles practice this past Sunday afternoon.
The banner, flown over Lincoln Financial Field during a public practice, displayed the message “”WE STILL DEM BOYZ!!!! #SACKSCOMIN” to the thousands of fans standing during the National Anthem.
Fan welcomed the banner with hearty boos, as expected, but Jones had a somewhat surprising reaction to the ploy by Hardy.
Jones described it as an “absolutely despicable display from Greg Hardy.”