The Afterlife, Heaven – Immediately after entering through the Pearly Gates, popular ex-Eagles head coach Buddy Ryan donned a pair of aviator sunglasses, hitched a pair of sweat socks up to his knees, and declared the first denizen of the ethereal plane that really decked the famous Dallas Cowboys head coach Tom Landry would receive $100.
Ryan sauntered into the afterlife and immediately hooked up with former defensive stalwarts Jerome Brown and Andre “Dirty” Waters, riling the two up with a fevered and passionate speech compelling them to blindside Landry the next time the ex-coach walked down Heaven Boulevard to a replica of Cowboys Stadium, where he relives some of his greatest moments as a head coach.
Ryan, father of Rex and Rob Ryan, was known for coaching stalwart defenses and his love of Philadelphia.
“He thinks he’s better than you. Sauntering around Heaven like he owns the place, going down the streets paved with chocolate and diamonds to hang out at Cowboys Stadium every single day…are you going to take that from him? It’s Buddy’s time now, what do you say boys,” he told both Brown, Waters, and a completely pumped up God who excitedly pumped his fist into the air several times.
The flowing visage, lord and savior to millions, sprinted towards the famous coach when he was spotted leaving a trophy shop on Jesus Avenue with several Lombardi trophies in his arms. Sandals slapping on the sidewalk, Landry turned around just in time to see God’s forearm crunch into his throat, sending him and his trophies flying into the air.
Landry of course was uninjured, being in Heaven and all, but his feelings were still hurt when he saw Ryan hand Jehovah a crisp $100 bill.
“Why God, why?” Landry moaned.
At press time, Ryan was tutoring several archangels on the intricacies of the 4-6 defense and said he couldn’t wait for that “piece of garbage” Kevin Gilbride to “get up here” so he could punch him in his fat head.