Yesterday on Twitter, Curt Schilling decided to get political. I know what you’re thinking, you can’t believe this usually even keeled and open minded ex-Phillies pitcher decided to share his political views on the public site.
But to your surprise, and to ours, he decided to let a few opinions be known about Hillary Clinton.
To be fair, we did goad him into it.
Honestly, it didn’t take that much goading. He’s got 159,000 followers, he must look at his twitter nonstop to jump into political fights. By our second tweet he should have known we were just kidding at this point.
And then he never did answer our last question.
If you had told me when I was 10-years-old that in 23 years I would actually be speaking with Curt Schilling on the computer, my brain would have imploded on itself. Me, being yelled at on the computer by the best pitcher in the 1993 Phillies rotation, it would have just been too much.
Well, the only person who is fit to let my past self know about these turns of events is me…so lets hop into the Delorian, kick it up to 88 miles per hour, and get ready to see some serious shit. Here we go.
::Jumps out of Delorian on June 29, 1993. Sees my future self playing Mega Man 3 on Nintendo in my parents basement::
Present self: You there, Bob. You must come with me right now. I have a car out front, no time to lose, no time to tell your parents. Lets go.
Past self: Ok.
Present self: Woa, wait, seriously? You’re going to leave mom and dad’s basement just like that when a strange man you’ve never seen before asks you to do so? We were so lucky we were never abducted and murdered. No man, it’s me, I’m you from the year 2016. I have some important information you need to know.
Past self: Can’t it wait? I’m almost past this Snake Man level.
Present self: Holy shit, turn off the game, you are insufferable. I’m from the future, didn’t you hear me! I’m you at 33-years-old! What do you think of that?
Past self: You got fat. Wow you have a lot of gray hair also. Are you sure you’re not from 2036?
Present self: Hilarious. Look, I can assure you that I am in good health, I’m not THAT fat, and we’re doing just fine in 2016. We even started a mildly successful Philadelphia sports that makes no money that we putter around on all day at the office of our real writing job. That’s even why I’m here today, I need to tell you about Curt Schilling.
Past self: So….can the future be changed at all? Please tell me it’s not set in stone. Wait, what about Schilling? He’s having a really good year so far, the Phillies are actually playing great!
Present self: I won’t ruin it for you, but yeah, they have a great season. There’s even a walk-off home run in an important game in October you have to look forward too! ::snickers::
Past self: Wait, what?
Present self: Never mind. So yeah, dude, you get to talk to Curt Schilling! On a computer, he actually sends you a few message!
Past self: NO WAY! He’s great, I love Curt! What do you guys talk about, did you ask him about what it’s like to be a major leaguer?
Present self: Not exactly. We talked politics for like five minutes.
Past self: Politics? Well, is he a nice guy? He seems like a nice guy.
Present self: Not really….he’s kind of a nutcase now. You know Hillary Clinton? She’s the First Lady right now?
Past self: Yeah we learned about her at school. She seems like a very nice lady. I like her and President Clinton.
Present self: Yeah, well Curt called her a “skank” during your conversation. She’s actually running for president in 2016, but Curt wants the other candidate, Donald Trump, to win the presidency so he’s blaming all of the world’s problems on Hillary.
Past self: Wait, Donald Trump? The guy who was in Home Alone 2?
Present self: Yeah that’s him. Best thing he’s ever done. He’s running and Curt wants him to win very much. He even got fired from his job from ESPN for posting various memes that support things Mr. Trump believes in. He thinks all people should think like he does, and if they don’t the country is going to go in the shitter. He doesn’t really have much of an open mind.
Past self: Memes?
Present self: Ahh yeah you don’t know what those are yet. they’re like signs, they can be pretty funny, but morons like to post serious ones that take very complicated issues and try to explain them with humorous pictures.
Past self: I don’t like this conversation. Curt Schilling is a jerk now? Please tell me Lenny Dykstra is still around.
Present self: Urr….he is….but he tried to pass himself off as a Wall Street genius and lost a lot of people a lot of money. He was just on Howard Stern yesterday and basically admitted to being a gigolo for old women and taking steroids during his playing career.
Past self: Wow that sucks. Why would people give him money? He’s a baseball player.
Present self: Good point. People are idiots. I should probably get going, I can see I’m pretty much destroying the space time continuum right now. Any other questions.
Past self: Just one. Do I ever become rich and famous, or do I have to become you?
Present self: You little piece of shit….
::Jumps back into Delorian and travels to the present::
Wow what a trip. I think I’ll go send this to Curt Schilling, see what he thinks.