After I retrieved my laptop from the front yard after ceremoniously hurling it through my front window, I started to think about what best represented the Eagles performance yesterday against the Cowboys.

A dumpster fire, of course, came to mind, but I didn’t think that accurately described how horrible they were yesterday. A dumpster fire is just a bunch of garbage on fire. Sure it’s smelly, but nothing of value is lost in a dumpster fire and when it goes out nobody thinks about it again.

They weren’t a dumpster fire.

The Eagles are an orphanage fire.

They are a full-blown orphanage fire. And this isn’t an orphanage filled with normal, street-urchin orphans who would slit your throat while your sleep for a few extra dollars for marijuana cigarettes. No, this is an orphanage filled to the brim with adorable, Dickensian orphans with Cockney accents who just want to sweep chimneys to earn a few shillings for some candied plums to enjoy on St. Swithen’s day.

The Eagles doused that orphanage with gasoline, hurled their torches, and burned it to the ground.

Sam Bradford threw his torch high and wide. It landed in a bucket of water.

Oh my god could that have been any worse? Could Chip Kelly’s personnel moves this past offseason have come home to roost ANY quicker than they already have? Shall we review? Am I going to get through writing this without opening up a few veins and heading towards a warm bath?

Kelly decides Mathis isn’t worth the extra money he asked for and Todd Herremans is too old and not worth the cap hit and they’re both gone. This year the Eagles have one of the worst offensive lines in the league and their guards are atrocious, the VERY GUARDS WE WERE RETURNING. THAT’S PERFECT IRONY! ELAINE, THAT IS INTERESTING WRITING!

With the money they save on last year’s starting guards they use it to NOT sign any potential replacements, but instead spend it on two starting running backs. Demarco Murray has rushed for 11 yards in two games. Total. Kill me.

Kelly decides Foles isn’t worth the effort this year and trades him in order to try and swing a trade for Mariota or have Sam Bradford start. He can’t or won’t trade for Mariota and two games into the year Bradford is already the most hated man in Philadelphia.

The only category Bradford leads the league in is sleeve length. Holy shit, have you seen those things? Fucking Sammy long sleeves over there. I’m so pissed  off I can’t even think of a good joke to write about his long sleeves. God damn you Bradford for making so enraged I can’t make fun of you properly.

Kelly figures Brandon Boykin is worth less to the team than a late round draft pick and trades him to the Steelers. The Eagles have a secondary this year that would be more effective at stopping opposing offenses if they laid down on the field and hoped wide receivers tripped over their corpses.

Oh yeah, and high draft picks Marcus Smith and Eric Rowe can’t find the field to contribute in any meaningful way. Maybe I’m being too critical on them. I’m sure they’ll come back strong and ready to commit several key errors to cost this team down the stretch run.

Yesterday’s game was so atrocious Kiko Alonso tore his own ACL so he wouldn’t have to play the remainder of the season. Mychal Kendricks’ hamstring said FUCK THIS and physically left his own body to avoid the embarrassment.

And do I have any answers for this team? No. Do you? If you do I’d love to hear them. Email them to the Eagles.

Does Kelly? If he does, I doubt they’re on that stupid S-8 sheet he carries around with him. I DOUBT MORE FLAN IS THE ANSWER (sorry for yet another Seinfeld reference, but it’s by far the most joy I’ve gotten out of writing this article).

Sorry folks. It is early, but I think there are going to be many more fires, many more burned down orphanages, and many more charred orphan bodies before this season is over and done with.

May god have mercy on us all.