ESPN Presents The 2020 Social Distancing Pastime Draft

::ESPN JINGLE MUSIC:: The 2020 Social Distancing Pastime Draft! Sponsored by Budweiser, the king of beers, and Netflix. The first round is concluding as we join our broadcast team, Trey Wingo, Suzy Kolber, Booger McFarland and many others throughout the exciting draft.

Trey Wingo: “Welcome back to the 2020 Social Distancing Pastime Draft on ESPN, your home for sports, your home for the pandemics that really matter. It’s been an exciting day so far, a day to really shape the millions around the country itching to look for ways to kill precious, precious time during these unprecedented times in our history. The draft has held to form so far, hasn’t it Mel? Not a lot of surprises with watching hours upon hours of Netflix going first, followed up with binge-eating and sleeping to round out the top three.”


The mere fact that Michael Wilbon is rallying against the 76ers gives me hope for the series

Michael Wilbon (who is still a thing at ESPN apparently) took a few minutes out of his busy schedule of telling people he knows Michael Jordan to express his UTMOST DISPLEASURE at T.J. “Billy Hoyle” McConnell’s OUTRAGEOUSLY DISRESPECTFUL game 4 moment when he dared to stare at his hand after torching Terry “I look like I should be fat” Rozier. has the transcript of the moment from yesterday’s PTI:

“I believe the Sixers are going to become hateable for the rest of the nation very soon,” Wilbon told co-host Tony Kornheiser. “Some little dude named T.J. is looking at his hand like he’s Shaq. Here’s what’s going to happen to T.J. in the next game: Terry Rozier is going to run over him like a truck, and he’s not going to do anything.”

Just bad point after bad point streaming out of Wilbon’s gaping maw. One, everyone already hates the 76ers. Two, Shaq is so cross-eyed there’s no way he could have ever stared at his hand that closely. Three, Terry Rozier is going to be far too busy jumping up at Joel Embiid like Little Mac with a star punch to do anything about McConnell’s antics.


First they came for Robert Lee, and I did not speak out … because I did not care


Photo credit: CNN Money.

Kudos to ESPN for spinning controversy out of the grips of a non-story with this Robert Lee announcing controversy. Thank goodness we will no longer be reminded of a Confederate general who died nearly two centuries ago while watching an Asian man with the same name attempt to call a football game.

Instead of just letting the young man announce the UVA game and withstanding an hour’s worth of “LOL ROBERT LEE IS ALIVE AND WELL,” memes on twitter, you’ve created a mini-controversy that is garnering far more negative attention than just ignoring it in the first place.

It’s akin to looking at a gorgeous piece of forest, realizing that it may be at risk for a forest fire in the future, and then lighting a match and throwing it into a pile of dead leaves. ::claps hands as the forest goes up in flames:: GOOD JOB EVERYONE. PROBLEM SOLVED.

Is it that big of a deal that he was taken off the broadcast? Not really. It does, however, set you up for future incidents with names that people may find offensive. Kirk Herbstreit? Sounds too much like Wall Street, and you remember what happened with the real estate crash 10 years ago. GET THAT HOMEWRECKER OFF MY SCREEN, HE IS THE SOLE REASON I DEFAULTED ON MY MORTGAGE.

Think it’s just a national problem? Who is to say Philadelphians won’t start clamoring for announcers to be taken off the air in our city? Who is at greatest risk of being taken off the air for their name? Let’s investigate after the jump…


BREAKING: Laid-off ESPN reporters have laid siege to NFL draft set in Philadelphia


Jayson Stark, in happier times. 

According to reports from employees who were on set and now trapped in the NFL Draft Theater at the Philadelphia Art Museum, nearly 100 laid-off ESPN employees forcibly took over the draft stage scheduled for use tonight and have threatened to cut off a digit of Trey Wingo for every hour their demands are not met.

Apparent ring leader Jayson Stark, who was fired yesterday afternoon by ESPN after nearly 17 years of employment, led 25 laid off employees through the Philadelphia sewers, circumventing the heavy security and taking the draft stage employees completely by surprise.


94 WIP risks its journalistic integrity, discusses highly controversial Eagles “mock draft”

08d40986-1dba-cfd3-ff75-dad5ce49b42dPerhaps in a desperate attempt to bolster its sliding ratings, 94 WIP threw caution to the wind this morning when Midday host Joe DeCamara decided to discuss, on live air, a controversial NFL mock draft that has been floating around the dark web of the internet for the past week.

For perhaps the first time in the station’s vaunted and respected history, a sports talk show decided to acknowledge and discuss unverified rumors about an upcoming sporting event.

Only previously discussed in hushed tones by journalists behind closed doors, DeCamara brought up the several page document, published by an unknown NFL insider and malcontent at ESPN, which attempted to accurately predict every pick for the seven round draft based on each team’s needs on the field.


Tony Romo finally released from dark, cursed bonds, crumbles into dust


The tortured soul of Tony Romo, bound to this world by dark forces ungoverned by man, was finally released from his earthly toil this morning.

The Curse of Ankarnarng, which tormented the eons old being that became known as Tony Romo in this most recent millennium, was lifted after NFL insider and ESPN reporter Adam Schefter recited the Incantation of Omor backwards at the 50-yard-line of Cowboys stadium during a full moon.

After the ancient curse was lifted from the agonized, decrepit husk of a body, Romo thanked his liberator for releasing him from his tortured existence, smiled slightly, winked and crumbled into a fine dust, which was picked up by a soft, warm breeze and disappeared into the ether, Schefter reported on his Twitter account.

Making sure to grab the White Sword of Damathria and his iPhone 7 before leaving, Schefter made a hasty retreat prior to the appearance of the fearful ogre known only as “Dak of Prescott.”

At press time, a rage filled, hateful scream from Jerry Jones’s office shook the Cowboys stadium to its very core.

Sad day as nation realizes this may be last time it will hear Chris Berman say ‘Back back back back’



San Diego, Calif. – Excitement for tonight’s 2016 Home Run Derby has been tempered across the nation, as baseball fans everywhere have begun to realize that this will likely be the last time they are able to hear longtime ESPN personality Chris Berman yell “BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK GONE!” before his retirement.

Millions of fans collectively mourned today as they realized they would never again hear Berman’s hilarious and not-at-all worn-out catch phrases in the home run derby after tonight’s event. Further depression sank in when they realized Berman would no longer be providing his entertaining collection of home spun nicknames and nonsensical noises during the upcoming football season as well.


Greg Hardy won’t stop winking at camera during ESPN interview

greg hardyBristol, Conn – A two-part interview with Greg Hardy on ESPN did not go particularly well for the embattled defensive end, as the young athlete blatantly winked at the camera numerous times during his discussion with ESPN’s Adam Schefter.

Hardy, who was suspended the first four games of last season due to allegedly beating his girlfriend Nicole Holden last year, perhaps agreed to the interview as a way to rehab his public image.


Matt Klentak hires Jon Runyan for apparent “My Bodyguard” type scenario



Philadelphia, PA – Matt Klentak, new GM for the Philadelphia Phillies, made his first official move Monday afternoon as he announced the hiring of Jon Runyan to serve as his personal assistant and escort.

Runyan, a former member of Congress and offensive lineman for the Philadelphia Eagles, will step into the position immediately.

Several baseball analysts questioned the move as “puzzling,” but pointed to the hire as potentially mirroring the plot of the early 1980s high school movie “My Bodyguard,” starring Matt Dillon and Adam Baldwin.