Good news everyone! Mike Lombardi has blessed Markelle Fultz!

What a morning! The sun is shining (it isn’t), the birds are chirping (they’re not, they’re all frozen) and Mike Lombardi, the purveyor of the least correct comment/take about Philadelphia sports in the history of sports talk, is oiling up his disgusting old-man foot in preparation to firmly lodge it in his mouth yet again.

We have truly been blessed, Philadelphia.

Last night, while likely taking a moment out of his nightly routine of applying generous dollops of lanolin oil over every inch of his wrinkled, musty body, Lombardi must have tuned into the 76ers victory over the Charlotte Hornets and run afoul of a sight he just couldn’t abide.

Why……there was Markelle Fultz, the still “injured” 76ers point guard, DARING to show his face on the television broadcast, wasting valuable moments he could have been in the trainers room balancing his scapular muscle or studying film! He needed to share his displeasure, to alert the masses of god fearing sports fans of this GHASTLY affront to everything good and pure about basketball.



Philadelphia is too happy and it feels too weird

It’s been a week and a half since the Eagles won the Super Bowl. The sun is shining just a bit brighter, the grass is just a bit greener, and the horse manure caked into Broad Street tastes just a little bit sweeter.

Nobody is complaining, everyone is getting along, the Flyers and Sixers are a combined 8-0 since the Eagles finally brought a Lombardi back to Philadelphia.

This city is jubilant, we’re all in great moods…does it feel wrong to anyone else?

I’m not saying it’s bad to be feeling this way, it just doesn’t feel RIGHT for Philadelphia.


Old post dump day: Ben Simmons deserves a better nickname than “Fresh Prince”

Sometimes, for whatever reason, we have posts that never get published. Call them the posts that time forgot, but today we have a special post that’s nearly TWO MONTHS old at this point. It’s still pretty good, but do bear in mind this was written in November. Enjoy!

If you did not listen to the NBC Sports Philly interview with Ben Simmons after last week’s win over the Hawks, please let me show you an incredibly ham-handed attempt to force a manufactured, unnatural nickname on a once in a lifetime generational athlete:

No. No. NO. Dear god no, that nickname cannot stick. The Fresh Prince? NO. They peppered that stupid nickname throughout the broadcast and it does not fit. It’s too long, it’s very clunky, and it makes no sense.

Why “The Fresh Prince”? Because Simmons’ is young? Because he’s from Philadelphia? It’s based off a show that aired its last episode BEFORE Simmons was even born.

It’s awful and I guarantee you NOBODY outside of an NBC Sports Philly boardroom has ever called him “The Fresh Prince.”


Joel Embiid needs to stay far, FAR away from the Ball family

No. NO. NO NO NO NO NO. You stay away from him, Joel. STAY AWAY FROM HIM ::gets out spray bottle and sprays water on him when he walks over to Lavar Ball::

Embiid, god damnit, you can not become all chummy with anyone in the Ball family. Everyone enjoyed it much, much  more when you were lobbing horrendously funny tweets at that melonhead’s futile efforts to keep his sons relevant and in the public eye.

This Instagram post…


After last night’s beating from the 76ers, the Lakers need your help more than ever

Hello, I’m Sarah McLachlan. Right now, the Lakers need you more than ever after what happened last night against 76ers. Your call says, I’m here to help. Please call, right now.

Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid should be locked up after the severe beatings they doled out over 48 minutes. It was so cruel, so brutal, the duo had to flee the state and the premises of their crime before local law enforcement officials could apprehend them.

Please call to put a stop to the violence you can see after the jump.


I may have found the most incorrect analysis of Ben Simmons’ game ever written

I’m not a huge fan of looking back at old predictions or player analyses and mocking them for how incorrect they turned out to be (unless they come from @OldTakesExposed, then they’re just hilarious).

Everyone is wrong once in a while, and when it’s your job to be in the prediction business you’re going to vomit out a clunker every now and again.

Fuck, the other day I looked back at some old Facebook memories where I was VEHEMENTLY defending Evan Turner to a friend, claiming that his “world class defense” made up for his “struggling, but growing offensive capabilities.”

OH, and also claiming that Evan Turner would have a “much, much more accomplished career” than Demarcus Cousins.

The moral of the story is, and always will be, that I am a complete moron.

But I found one analysis written about Ben Simmons after the 76ers selected him as the #1 pick in the 2016 draft. It’s so horrendously wrong that it boggles the mind. Did the author get the numbers of the jerseys incorrect? Did he think he was watching Simmons the entire season, when he was really watching Tim Quarterman or Keith Hornsby?

Here’s what David Gardner, a Staff Writer for Bleacher Report, said of Ben Simmons:


Joel Embiid’s minutes will be “in the teens” … AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. In a press conference today Brett Brown noted that he believes Joel Ebmiid’s minutes in the first game of the season on Wednesday against the Washington Wizards will likely only be “in the teens” … and the panic button has been pressed.

It was surprising news for Embiid, who told reporters he was “bummed” and could likely play upwards of 30 minutes in the opener, but would have to abide by the minutes restriction.

Did anybody really expect him to have no minutes restrictions in the opener? He’s played less than 25 minutes all preseason, but somehow he’d be cleared to play 35-plus in the opener? Uhh…no. No he would not.

But that didn’t stop pretzels from raining down on poor Brett Brown.


And the fans do not like this one bit! AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS! Head Coach Brett Brown now on the field, pleading with the fans for some kind of sanity.


And a barrage of pretzels now knocking Brown unconscious. Wow. This…this is a black day for basketball.

I am here and now declaring “AND HERE COME THE PRETZELS!” to be the official statement for any time Philadelphia fans overreact on Twitter.