Sixers basketballllllllllll is back! We are ROLLING into the 2019-2020 season with a perfect 3-0 slate as your PHILADELPHIA 76ERS look to be legitimate contenders for the NBA crown. The team is prime, the team is young, and the team is hungry for success…which makes this look back into the shitty time capsule of 76ers past all the more pleasing.
The year was 2012. Mark Zumov and Malik Rose were teaching Philadelphia how to love again. The 76ers were fresh off a trade that would SURELY send them hurtling into the stratosphere of the top NBA teams with their acquisition of Andrew Bynum. Bowling jokes were at an all time low in the Delaware Valley.
It’s that time of year again, when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of an NBA championship and when he desperately represses memories of a mother fucking off-balanced three point shot that bounces on the rim 900 times before elegantly falling through the hoop to mercilessly end all of our hopes and dreams.
Yes, the 76ers are BACK BABY! A slimmed down Joel Embiid! Al Horford using his offensive rebounding prowess for the powers of good and not evil! Awkward photos of Markelle Fultz trying to raise his arms over his head while going down the final drop in Splash Mountain! What a year it’s shaping up to be.
It’s a NEW season and this calls for some BOLD takes, far bolder and newer than last year’s column where I proudly declared Mike Muscala would quickly become a fan favorite in Philadelphia.
So here we go, on the day of the 76ers 2019-2020 season, we have FIFTY BOLD PREDICTIONS for our beloved Sixers:
July 22, 2019…a date which will live in infamy. A date where so many innocently logged onto social media and found themselves in need of a new pair of pants.
A day which will be remembered by all as the date the Ben Simmons jump shot video hit the internet and showcased the $170 million man working on the most obvious weakness of his game and displaying what looks to be a much more confident touch on his shot.
My god. His shot is like the sun…it’s so bright and dazzling you can’t stare at it directly or you’ll be blinded from its beauty.
And yes, I know Markelle Fultz did the EXACT same thing last summer and we all went crazy for it. But this is different. How is it different? Fuck you, that’s how.
Markelle Fultz, embattled former #1 NBA pick and scourge of 76ers fans everywhere took to his instagram two days ago and announced he will be hosting a basketball camp at his alma mater Dematha Catholic High School in Maryland from Aug. 5 to 9.
Now, I’m no big city lawyer, and correct me if I’m wrong here, but for one to successfully host a basketball camp one of the most important aspects is that you can successfully PLAY basketball yourself, right?
Maybe hosting a basketball camp when you can’t lift your arm over your shoulder without passing out from the pain may not be the best idea, ehh Markelle?
We’re one day away from a pivotal 2019 NBA Draft, one day away from the 76ers filling in several areas of needs with young collegiate players, and one day away from seeing which draft pick will fall victim to the strangest curse in all of professional sports….the curse of the 76ers 1st round draft pick.
CollarGate. BurnerGate. Eric Jr. Day. Move on, find a new slant. However you remember May 29, 2018, please take a moment to hold those special memories in your heart and recall this day one year ago when Bryan Colangelo, the biggest stooge in the long and gloried history of the 76ers, revealed his true self and humiliated a city with his extraordinary pettiness.
One year ago Colangelo’s world crumbled. A several thousand word piece of investigatory journalism was published on The Ringer by Ben Detrick, reporting curious “coincidences” of several seemingly random twitter accounts that spent all day, every day, tweeting criticisms about 76ers players, the coaching staff, and praising the moves of then 76ers GM Bryan “Spelled with a Y” Colangelo. An anonymous tip to Detrick and the Ringer got the ball rolling, and before Bryan could wilt away in his large-collared shirts the jig was up.
Before I jump into this, I want to assure you that I know exactly what Angelo Cataldi is doing here. Every dumb take, every contrarian opinion he vomits up on his twitter feed or his Philly Voice column is carefully crafted by an old troll to elicit the biggest response, whether it be positive or negative. I fully doubt he’s had an original or personal thought in his mush filled head for the past decade, as everything he does is designed to bring the most eyes and ears on him as possible.
It’s why he’s the most popular media personality in the city and has been for the last 30 years. He’s a played out old hack with a played out format for a morning show that still CRUSHES the ratings and lays waste to all that comes before it.
Most people will say to ignore him. He’s trolling for attention, they say, and wants a reaction to his nonsense. If he doesn’t get one, he’ll go away.
He’s not a bear, people. Playing dead doesn’t work. He’s not going to just “go away.”