July 22, 2019…a date which will live in infamy. A date where so many innocently logged onto social media and found themselves in need of a new pair of pants.
A day which will be remembered by all as the date the Ben Simmons jump shot video hit the internet and showcased the $170 million man working on the most obvious weakness of his game and displaying what looks to be a much more confident touch on his shot.
My god. His shot is like the sun…it’s so bright and dazzling you can’t stare at it directly or you’ll be blinded from its beauty.
And yes, I know Markelle Fultz did the EXACT same thing last summer and we all went crazy for it. But this is different. How is it different? Fuck you, that’s how.
I know it’s nothing more than a propaganda video and would be right at home next to Stalin declaring Russia as a great friend of the people during its Five Year Plan as thousands of peasants starved to death.
It’s exactly like that.
Simmons took four jump shots in the entire 30-second video (not including the two dunks at the end) and I’m ready to bet $500 on him to win the 3-point contest right now.
Let’s review and rate his jump shots, shall we?
Shot 1 – A thirsty three point attempt (3 seconds in)
The collective shot that made thousands of 76ers fans moan out loud and have to sheepishly explain what they were watching to their significant other (or maybe that was just me). A confident pull-up 3-point shot over a corny Kawhi Leonard looking mother fucker who was NOT respecting Simmons’ now elite 3-point shooting ability. Shame on you sir.
If he pulls this out in the first game of the season I’ll go into a deep, deep coma and likely never pull myself out of it.
An extra fuck you goes out to the unseen competitor who screams out “SHORT!” the second he releases it. That’s my move when I’m too tired to actually play defense. You can go to hell.
SHOT RATING – 9 out of 10 “FUCK YOU KENDALL LOOK AT ME NOWS”
Shot 2 – An unblockable baseline fadeaway (9 seconds in)
The most unblockable shot I’ve ever seen in my life. Just absolute taking the soul of dollar store Kawhi Leonard again. Yes, I quite understand he’s playing against guys that have 10% of his athletic abilities, but I do not care. THAT DOG WON’T HUNT, MONSIGNOR.
SHOT RATING – 7 out of 10 “Kareem skyhooks”
Shot 3 – Pulls up from the free-throw line (13 seconds)
Do you remember that part in The Ring when water started to pour out of the television set moments before the malevolent spirit of the drowned girl came out the screen. The same thing happened to my computer while watching this because his shot is so damned WET.
Can’t wait to see him win Rookie of the Year with his much improved shot.
SHOT RATING – 7 out of 10 “Whatever, Jayson Tatum can do that, I don’t care and I’m not worried”
Shot 4 – Fadeaway from the foul line (17 seconds)
Again, I don’t care that this is nothing more than a propaganda video and he’s hitting shots over guys who look like they have asthma, but dasvidanya comrade this is a thing of beauty. Fading away behind the foul line, over the outstretched hand of some doof who has yet to realize a video of him being humiliated by an alpha male will be viewed by millions of fans.
SHOT RANKING – 7 out of 10 “MY GOD JUST DON’T LAND ON THE DOOF’S FOOT, BEN”
Well there you have it. The beginning of the end for the rest of the cowardly NBA. He will most certainly shoot a three this year, cowards, and you all need to be very, very worried.
Go buy 76ers gear at the banner below before Simmons hits a three and gets back together with Kendall Jenner.